Daily Archives: June 15, 1999

Domination

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Something to file under Pre-Millennial Madness…

I was at work one afternoon, finishing up for the day, when I heard ICQ’s familiar “uh-oh” and found this message waiting for me:

I wonder if you would be interested ina gorwn man who believes in female superiority and girls power and would like to practice his believes by serving a young sophisticated strong personality Lady who will own him as a slave and treat him as such where he is inferioir to her, would that interest u

Oh yes. Yes, it would very much interest me. In the same way that “When Animals Attack” interests a great proportion of the population.

My immediate impulse was to fire off an angry email like, “You stupid dick arse wanker sad sad sad man. Piss off and go and play with your mother because she’s the only female who will ever like you.”

Then I thought about it and realised that that sort of thing would probably turn him on.

His vocabulary (not to mention his spelling) gave too much away. He refers to himself as a man, but his sought-after companion is referred to as a female, girl and lady – but never a woman.

So I fell back on one of my favourite insults. I replied:

Leave me alone, you patriarchal oppressor.

Then I put him on my ignore list.

Flat and Warm

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“You’re just jealous cos you never got one.”

Oh yeah. That’s right. I want a Soda, that’s why I have an “I want a Soda” badge on my page. In fact, that’s why this page is up in the first place. I am hoping that Rus and Dave will look at it and think to themselves, “Goodness! She is “saying” some rather “unfresh” things about “us”. Let’s give her an award!!!!”

Yeah. Yeah, I can see it working out that way.

And anyway, they claim to have run out of ideas so they stopped doing it.

There’s this 5-times-a-week New Zealand page awards site called Soda. It’s dodgy.

I was having a perv through its archive and found one week’s theme was “grrls”. Not grrrls, not girls, but the curious hybrid “grrls”.

Monday’s winner was Princess Diana, because she’d just died the day before. Soda describe Princess Diana as “possibly the most famous “girl” of them all.”

I’m thinking maybe she was actually a “woman” rather than a “girl”.

Tuesday’s winner was Xtra’s “Stuff for Chicks”. An Xtra site gets a Soda. Gee. How rare. As a testament to Soda’s savvy for picking winners, the “Stuff for Chicks” site is no longer up.

The winner on Wednesday is Girls’ Brigade. Not Grrls Brigade. Their site behaves like a good Soda site should and is very non-threatening. Soda claims that it “contains many of the subtle tricks that we have been promoting through SODA.” Right-o, lads.

On Thursday the winner was “Jacqui’s Journey”. About a woman who rode the length of a country on a horse. Enough said, I think.

And finally Friday’s winner was “Webgrrls Aotearoa”. Excuse me while I hammer a sign to my forehead that says “Look at me! I’m a female!” Soda says, “We’d like to see the membership increase and the site become an even greater resource – why not drop in and have a look yourself… ” Damn. It didn’t happen.

Anyway, I happened to mention this all on the Aardvark forums, and I received an e-mail from Rus, one of the two Soda guys, that included this:

Oh – actually – maybe you can name five sites for a “decent” SODA theme about wimmin in NZ?

Just let us know….

Dripping with sarcasm. Challenging me. Like if he, the editor of a daily awards site can’t pick five decent sites, then what hope do I have? And what the hell is he on about with “wimmin”? Is that like “grrls”? And why put the word decent in quotes?

So I gave him eleven sites. They weren’t all classy. I kind of threw in a few sucky ones as a quality control measure.

Then about a month later it was “Attitude” week on Soda. Attitude week? I’ve given up trying to understand what that means.

But anyway, all five sites were from my list. Wow. I really can pick ‘em.

Here are annotated excerpts from the week’s reviews.

Design is “fresh” – that’s “design of the site” not a reflection on the contributors.

Again, what is happening with all these quotation marks? Is “fresh” in quotes so we don’t mistakenly think he means a web site that’s been recently harvested from a garden?

I really dislike having to turn my head to read a line of text running across the entire screen width.

And they say the Internet causes people to be less physically active.

Having voyeuristic tendencies will probably increase the enjoyment factor.

And having masochistic tendencies will definitely increase the enjoyment factor of viewing Soda.

Graphics are – um – interesting to look at – and do load in your browser.

Graphics that load in your browser? And this would be opposed to graphics that load in your microwave oven or in your washing machine?

I could go on. I’d really like to, but I feel that Soda’s really gone and dug its own hole way better than I ever could.

A fitting conclusion to attitude week.

Royale

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In 1981, I drew a picture of Charles and Di getting married. My mother sent it to my grandmother, who was so delighted with it that she posted it off to the newlyweds.

Imagine the joy and delight my six-year-old self felt when this arrived for me in the post.

DISCLAIMER: The aforementioned drawing was in no way responsible for the subsequent royal divorce and Diana’s death, however it is possible it has something to do with Camilla.

My Day in Tuscany

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Everyone seems to be getting into these books about living in exotic locations abroad, so, in attempt to broaden my appeal and capture some of the lucrative “Espresso Guitar” market, I present to you a tale of my day in Tuscany.

I woke up this morning and sighed because even though I did yoga every day and only drank soya milk lattes, I was feeling somewhat empty inside. Then a friend of mine rang up and said “I need someone to housesit my villa in Tuscany this afternoon.”

I didn’t want to do it because I am a high-powered career woman and all I care about is myself, but it was my oldest and dearest friend asking, so I felt guilty enough to not be able to refuse.

I jumped in my 1999 Volkswagen Beetle and drove over to Tuscany. When I arrived I didn’t like it because there were no high rise apartment buildings and there was no decent coffee. I met an old man called Luigi who wasn’t very nice to me and said there were too many foreigners coming to Tuscany.

I walked down to the markets and bought some pasta and vegetables and then went back to the Tuscan villa and attempted to cook an authentic Tuscan lunch. All I managed to do was burn everything and I started crying Then a handsome young fellow called Mario came over and said “Oh pretty bella, stop crying, let me show you my grandfather’s olive orchard!”

So Mario showed me his grandfather’s olive orchard and then invited me back to his place where his grandmother Michelina was cooking a big Tuscan meal. I sat around with the Corleone family and we talked about how sweet life was.

The old man from earlier came over and hugged me and said that I was most welcome to stay with them and for me to call him Papa Luigi.

Then my friend showed up and thanked me for housesitting, so I bid farewell to my new friends, jumped in my car and drove back home.

When I got back to my highrise city apartment I realised that I even though I did not live on an olive orchard in Tuscany, I could still live the simple and peaceful Tuscan life because there would always be a little bit of Tuscany in my heart.

The Rules of Engagement

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A Millennium Girl’s Guide to Love in the Nineties

♥ Make mysterious phone calls to him in the middle of the night. If necessary, disguise your voice and ask for Senor Rodriguez.

♥ Men are slack arses. Make things easy for them, and throw in a packet of chips.

♥ Tell yourself, “I am a bitch and men are scared of me.”

♥ Reveal everything. The more gruelling and painful, the better.

♥ Behave as if all the troubles of the world are crushing down upon you every second of the day.

♥ On a date… be sure to mention that this is the first Saturday in ages you haven’t spent at home, alone, listening to The Cure.

♥ On a date… laugh at him.

♥ On a date… aim to have told him that he is the chosen one and that you are destined to be together forever by the time you’re having coffee.

♥ If you feel calm and relaxed, think to yourself, “Are my nipples visible through this top?”

♥ Don’t put lipstick on when you’re jogging unless you want it smeared all over your face. But some guys probably go for that, so you might as well.

♥ Cover your body from head to toe with cheap deodorant body spray.

♥ Act like a man, including putting on a deep voice and adjusting your crotch. Guys dig this.

♥ Wear lots of old black clothes. Worn out Metallica t-shirts are tres sexy.

♥ Be like everyone else. If it works for them, it’ll work for you.

♥ Impress him with your smooth, graceful and sexy line dancing moves.

♥ To add a little spice, dress like a man. A sock down the jocks works a charm.

♥ Always be the first to talk. If necessary, gag him to prevent him from talking first.

♥ Men like long hair – especially under the arms and on your legs. It gives them something to play with.

♥ Look to transvestite hookers for ways of emphasising your femininity. Fish net stockings and pink latex miniskirts are hot.

♥ Try and see him as much as possible. Surprise him by breaking in to his house and appearing naked on his bed when he gets home.

♥ If he wants you to stop… he’ll have to get a restraining order!

♥ Tell him about every single bad thing that happens in your day. If necessary, make a list to help you remember.

♥ If a man asks you if you’re having a good time, simply smile and say, “Who the hell wants to know?”

♥ Call his answering machine and leave messages consisting of sighing and hanging up.

♥ If you want to get him to dance, get the DJ to play “I wanna sex you up”, grab him by the hand and drag him to the floor.

♥ If you have trouble meeting men, go to a men’s sauna or those toilets in the park after midnight. They are plenty there.

♥ To catch a man’s attention, stare at him, and do not look away until he comes over and asks what’s up your arse.

♥ If you don’t know what to say, just talk about whatever crap comes into your head.

♥ Alternatively, don’t say anything. Just make little sighing noises.

♥ KFC is a great place for a first date.

♥ Pay for every thing. If he insists on paying, hit him over the head, grab his wallet and run.

♥ Be the one to end a phone call. Hang up in mid-sentence, if necessary.

♥ In the middle of a phone call, stop and yell “Raoul! Stop that! Put it back!”

♥ If you’re at home on Friday, call him and tell him this. Then hang up.

♥ If your mother can’t wait for you to get married, take her along on the date, and get her to bring her glock.

♥ Show him how your bedroom walls are covered with your names in different combinations.

♥ Good topics to talk about are your favourite porno films and politics. See if you can combine the two topics.

♥ Keep mentioning that you are sought after by men named Carlo, Nathanial, Maximilian and Dave.

♥ Lend him your diary of the past year, with all previous suicide attempts bookmarked.

♥ Hire a private investigator to track down all the bitches he’s rooted. Have them killed.

♥ Break into his house in the middle of the night and say that it’s time that you had a serious talk.

♥ Make sure you earn more money than he does. If necessary, sell drugs to boost your income. Brag about it on a daily basis.

♥ End a date first. Say, “I know we’ve only got here and we haven’t even eaten, but I really must be going. I have lots of, uh, things to do.”

♥ Stop dating him if he sends you flowers. If necessary, pour lighter fluid on them, set fire to them and throw them through his window.

♥ At the end of the first date demand he kiss you goodnight. With tongue.

♥ If he doesn’t have sex with you after the first date he’s probably gay.

♥ If he asks if you are using contraception, be mysterious and don’t let him know.

♥ He must be the first one to say “I love you” but you may say such phrases as “I can’t live without you. If you ever left me I think I’d probably kill myself.” or “Whenever I look at you, I can see the sweet love of Jesus within your eyes.”

♥ Tell everyone you know about him. Put up a web page about him.

♥ If he’s not giving you the attention to want, say “Why the hell are you ignoring me, bitch?”

♥ Don’t do anything in case he surprises you and wants to ask you out. If he doesn’t, go over to his house and say “I’m all alone and it’s all your fault.”

♥ If you’re going after a married man, tell his wife.

♥ If he comes to pick you up for a date, don’t answer the door. Instead yell out “I can’t be bothered getting up. The door’s unlocked and stuff.”

♥ If he asks you out, say “yes” immediately. Even mid-sentence. If it turns out he wasn’t asking you out, pretend you were singing a song that goes “Yes yes yes”.