Archive for May, 2000

Folk Dancing

Published
by
Robyn
on May 23, 2000
in Technology
. 0 Comments

I’ve never felt compelled to do a web site review before, but after seeing kellybrown.co.nz I just had to. It’s like a BWE site for guys who want to know “what women want” and think they can find the answer on the Internet.

The site is hosted by a person, who I assume is female, called either Kellybrown or Kelly Brown, depending on where you look. The mysterious Ms Brown doesn’t have a photo on her web site, but then neither do I, so we’ll just give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she (and me) is not really a man. The page that follows the link titled “Who is Kelly Brown” manages to avoid revealing anything specific about her.

Kick-starting the site on her welcome page, Kelly wastes no time using the buzz words du jour when she says she’ll be offering “solutions” and that the site will deal with “issues”. Yes, another online solution provider.

Then it’s onto the page which purports to answer the age old question of the dude who’s failed to score at the pub, “What do women want?”. The answer? “Everthing[sic] of course!!!” Right, let me note that down in my notebook of important stuff.

To elaborate on this Kelly Brown hands the virtual mike over to “single and free” Rachel. In a getting-to-know-Rachel questions and answers session, she is asked, “Do you drink?” and answers, “does a bear shit in the woods…Lindeuar[sic]”. I assume by that she means Lindauer, but she also spells it “Lindeaur”.

Rachel then goes on to throw down her vital stats. She’s 24 and has been dating guys for 10 years, averaging 5 boyfriends a year, but she’s only been in love with one, and on top of this, she’s had 10 one night stands. What gets this single and free millennial girl “in the mood”? Why, “Lindeaur,” of course.

We are then treated to Rach’s opinion on men and women. She comments on how as well as their being the slut/stud double standard, that society also deems it unacceptable when a group of girls go out and get drunk. How inconvenient. Kelly promises us the perspective of a another woman next week.

For any guys who want to express themselves, Kellybrown has conveniently provided a forum. Read as angsty guys ask things like “When do you know a woman is interested in you ???!!!” and make observations such as, “it looks really tempting having a girl, having someone around all the time, but I think its more work than it is worth”. The ever vigilant Ms Brown is there to remind posters that it’s not kewl to make fun of people with mullet haircuts. Heaven forbid the target audience should feel alienated.

Then it’s on to Kell’s list of rules of dating. She asks if dating is maybe “just a lot of American hype?” as if before America was discovered unmarried men and women didn’t socialise together. The rules of dating basically boil down to the guy not being a dick and being nice to the girl. That’s nice.

Next is Kellybrown’s sample date. She provides nine steps, which when followed may end up leading to “horizontal folk dancing”. Oo-er, Vicar!

The site also has a store which allows the potential wooer to order breakfast in bed, “delivered in a classy cane basket that she can keep”. The idea being, I think, that after the successful nine step date and a bit of horizontal folk dancing, the next morning the happy couple can enjoy breakfast together. That is, of course, if the lass isn’t puking up from all that “Lindeaur” she drank the night before.

Flowers can also be purchased, including a lovely potted sunflower which is described as letting you “fill her day with sunshine and she might fill your nights with folk dancing.” Not the aforementioned “horizontal folk dancing.” Just plain folk dancing. Yes fellows, if you play your cards right, she might do the Gay Gordon with you. Perhaps that’s where the site’s self-rated R16 classification comes from?

The gifts section offers a French perfume called “Dr Original”. It comes packaged in a lovely brown box with a big ribbon. Ooh la la! The other gift item is an “overnite” bag which includes a pink razor (apparently for her to shave him with) and three condoms. The description says it’s to “take away any excuses she may have.” I assume this is in reference to folk dancing - horizontal or otherwise.

One thing that caught my eye is what appears to be a banner ad at the top of various pages which reads, “How to deal with a… psycho”. However, there’s no link attached to it, so it just sits there, as if maybe Kellybrown is that psycho.

I had a lot of fun viewing the Kelly Brown site. It’s a classy piece of work. Will it help single guys get girls? Possibly - but not all girls respond to flowers and g-strings.

I’m off to polish up those folk dancing steps I learned when I was at primary school.

Nice Arse

Published
by
Robyn
on May 7, 2000
in Events
. 0 Comments

It all started when a fellow who goes by the name of Selwyn O’Pants mentioned that as he worked for a sponsor of the show, he had an invite to the season premiere of the live broadcast of Ice TV in its new incarnation as Ice As.

As a general rule, stuff is good, but free stuff is even better. I sensed an opportunity for free stuff, so I convinced Mr O’Pants that he would benefit from being seen with a glamourous personality such as myself. He agreed to this and the evening was set.

I’ve visited the TV3 studios once before. That was when I was in the sixth form, as part of a journalism field trip. That was also back in the day when Russell Rooster was TV3’s most popular star. Oh, how times have changed.

So Selwyn and I turned up to the studios having been earlier entertained by the comic stylings of Jan Maree and Justine Smith in their show “Alas! Smith and Franicevic - Return of the Showgals” (If it sounds like I’m being sarcastic and somehow suggesting that they were crap, I’m not, and they were actually really funny. The drunk middle-aged slappers in the front row weren’t funny, though.).

We were escorted down to a little waiting area and sat around watching the rehearsals in the monitor room. Bloody boring.

Then a bunch of comedians taking part in the laugh fest arrived. Some of them were just cool, relaxed normal people, other were doing the “Look at me! I am a comedian! I must be funny all the time!” thing and they were dicks. Cal Wilson, Ben Norris and Ronnie Edwards were not being dicks.

Then we hung out in what I suppose was the green room, but it was really a wide hallway with a lift and one end. There were nibbles and booze. I partook and free stuff is cool. One by one semi-famous people arrived. Fiona McDonald! The guys from Boss TV! Joel Tobeck! The boys from Betchadupa! Murray Cammick! Slave!

I was a bit freaked out by the appearance of Slave, also known as Mark James. I really wanted to go up to him and say “Hey dude! When I was 16 I thought MC OJ and the Rhythm Slave were the coolest rap group in the entire universe and that the song that went “Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, marijuana” was really cool.”

But I didn’t. Instead I just stood kind of near him and heard him tell Murray (Muzza!) that “Joined at the Hip Hop” had been receiving a lot of air play recently because it has 96 beats per minute. Righto.

Then the time came. We were ushered into the studio and were seated amongst the set. I took my place atop a barstool and had a good view of all the goings-on. I think the idea was that it was like a bar where a bunch of people were hanging out. A place were a neon sign reading “NICE ARSE” with a dim, flickering N, R and E hangs above the bar.

Eleven o’clock came and the magic of live television took place. Or rather I stood on my stool and watched the show on the monitors and giggled with delight when I occasionally saw my shoulder or my knee on TV.

It went on like that for an hour (and seven minutes), then everyone went back to the green-ish room and drank some more and ate some more nibbles.

I noticed the boys from Betchadupa (the fine young lads responsible for that irresistibly catchy song “Empty Head”, and my word isn’t that Liam Finn a bit of all right, eh? Not bad for a sixteen year old youngster. (Oh God help me, I’m turning into a pervert.)) drinking L&P, which is good as they are all under age. I’m glad I didn’t see any of those lads drinking any alcoholic substances such as, oh, let’s say, Steinlager.

I attempted to hobnob. I also attempted to schmooze. I was unable to do both as I don’t suck. O’Pants managed “Hey, Jon Bridges, star of Ice As, don’t eat the fish, cos it doesn’t taste nice.” Arse kisser.

It was getting late, I was getting tired, being in the presence of so many people who always look when someone enters the room because it-might-be-someone-really-famous was getting a little bit too much. I needed to keep it real, so with that, I exited and sped off into the Eden Terrace night.

So, in conclusion, I have concluded that being an audience member of Ice As is choice.