Archive for August, 2001

Goddess

The Goddess empowers me, as she empowers all of us!

I’m not sure what that means, but if you’d asked me back when I was 18 I probably could have told you at least the theory behind it.

Back then I went through a feminist phase where I read all the classic feminist books. Branching out from that I read a few books about the goddess thing.

From memory, it’s all about how for thousands of years people have worshipped both male and female deities. But somewhere along the line, many goddesses were ignored and written out of religious history. That is, the notion of female supreme beings were erased.

So what’s happened now is there’s this goddess movement. It’s the kind of thing that teenaged girls like to get into when they want to rebel against their Christian upbringing (i.e. their parents), but they don’t want to be Satanists or anything yucky like that.

There are even magazines, such as the “Sage Woman” (”Celebrating the Goddess in Every Woman”), which looks like it’s designed in Microsoft Word. It has articles on such topics as “Angels come in many guises”, “Awakening your earth spirit” and “Mothering as a spiritual path”.

Magazines like that are probably the more extreme end of the goddess spectrum (and oh, what a pretty rainbow of colours that spectrum is!). The kind of women who are into that sort of goddess culture are more likely to be the crushed velvet and lace dress wearing types. The ones who probably have a Stevie Nicks record somewhere around the house. And yeah, the fat wiccan ladies.

But lately an interesting thing has been happening. Goddess culture has gone mainstream. No longer the realm of crazy ladies, the goddess now wears lycra.

Nike, a company named after a goddess, has created Nikegoddess, a web site aimed towards women. In the site’s introduction they say they “want to nurture and celebrate your involvement in sport, whatever the level.” Which is, of course, a very goddess-like way of saying “we want you to buy our stuff.”

The site has a bit of information about stuff that these earthly goddesses can do, even that girly favourite horseback riding. But, y’know, pulling on a pair of Nikes and hitting the pavement doesn’t seem very goddess like. Surely a real goddess would be flying on the wings of destiny rather than jogging. I can’t think of any religions that have a goddess of power walking, probably because it’s too mundane to inspire worship. Uh-oh, I think I’ve just pulled the curtain back and seen the wizard!

On to Gillette. They’ve just launched a new women’s razor and it’s named after another goddess, this time Venus.

(Hey, just imagine if companies used God to sell products. Like Gillette could have ads saying “You dirty, hairy-legged hussy! I command thee to shave off the follacles of Satan from thyne legs with the new Gillette Mary razor! If thou dost not, thyne shalt burn in Hell!”)

Anyway, the Venus is a pretty cool razor, but the whole goddess tie-in with it is a little bit strange. It’s like, they know that chicks dig goddesses, but they’re not quite sure what to do with that.

So the site throws in a few goddess-related phrases, like in the introduction to a beauty quiz, it says, “The goddess in you knows beauty. Or does she?”

I took the beauty IQ quiz and scored 5 out of 8, which apparently means “Your beauty IQ is solid. But there’s an aspirational goddess in you, isn’t there?” It is reassuring to know that even though I didn’t get the question about shaving under arms correct, this won’t hinder me in being a goddess.

I took another quiz, which required answering eight trivia questions correctly. I aced it and was informed that I had “reached [my] full goddess potential.”

Then the whole goddess theme got completely out of hand. On the “Discover your goddess” page pictures of women clad in white swimsuits, with their shaved legs up in the air invited me to enter my name into a box. After doing so I discovered that the goddess in me is “a Really Original Babe who Yearns Nicely”. I’m not sure if even Gillette knows what that means.

After going through all these different web sites and magazines to find out about the goddess, I don’t feel empowered, just a little confused. Where’s some of that good old patriachal opressive religion when you need it?

Being Hilarious

It has come to my attention that there are not enough people in the world who know how to be hilarious. Any attempts at humour by such people just end up falling flat.

To remedy this I have come up with a few suggestions as to how you can be really hilarious. Use these often, as they will not grow stale with re-telling.

The Movie Trailer Voice

You know there’s a guy with a dark gravely voice who does the voice overs for a lot of movie trailers? And you know how a lot of movie trailers use the same type of phrases? Well, it’s actually really hilarious if you do a silly voice where you pretend to be the trailer voice-over guy and say something that starts off like a regular movie trailer, but has a twist at the end. For example: “He was a man! With a secret! He had HERPES!” See, isn’t that hilarious?

What Real Estate Ads Really Mean

We’re all familiar with the words and phrases used in real estate ads, and how they are usually used to make properties seem more desirable to potential buyers. Keeping this in mind, a really hilarious thing to do is to make a list of what real estate ads say and what they really mean. For example: “handy man’s dream” actually means “falling down old hovel” “bright and sunny” means “there’s a great big hole in the roof” and “spacious” really means “there is no truth in advertising and all real estate agents are wankers”. Damn, it just doesn’t get funnier.

“I Love The Smell Of [noun] In The Morning”

You know in “Apocalypse Now” how Robert Duvall’s character says, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” well that’s pretty hilarious on its own. But it can be made even more hilarious! All that’s required is to replace “napalm” with another noun. It’s even funnier if it’s computer-related: “I love the smell of Linux in the morning.” or “I love the smell of pixels in the morning.” Note: It is not hilarious to say that you love the smell in the morning of such things as coffee or freshly baked bread.

Extra For Experts:
The Bit In “The Matrix” Where Trinity Jumps Up

If you are a film maker and want to ad a little bit of a hilariousness to your story, then do a spoof of the bit in “The Matrix” where Trinity jumps up and the camera spins around her in mid-kick. It’s funny if the person who jumps up doesn’t do it as well as Trinity does it, like if they fall down or pull a funny face. The best bit is the audience will recognise this from “The Matrix” and feel really cool and laugh even louder.

Tram Tales

One of the things I like about Melbourne is the trams. Given that my experience with public transport has been limited to buses (and yay for the Auckland bus driver who said to the guy who pointed out that the light had changed to green, “sit down and shut up”), trams are a wonderful thing.

Melbourne trams are quite fun to ride on. They are quieter than buses, so there are many opportunities to overhear interesting conversations. All the ticket sales are automated, so it’s possible to go for a ride and not buy a ticket, which is why trams seem to be the transport of choice for crazy people.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been stealthfully taking notes of all the interesting stuff that’s happened on trams. So, if you please, here are some tram tales:

The Apartment Building

The tram passed by a building site where a multi-storied apartment building was being constructed. A woman in her forties sitting near me said to her friend, “I’d like to live in one of those for three months - just to see what it would be like. You see, I always say that I’d never live in one of those units, but I don’t know what it would be like, so it would be interesting to live in one, just for three months, to see what it would be like.”

Elvis and Tongue Piercing

Three people sat in the seats next to me. There was a guy who had big sideburns, big hair and a jacket with “Elvis is King” on it. He and his girlfriend sat across from me, and their other friend sat next to me. The girl started talking about how she and Elvis were going to get their tongues pierced. The other guy said, “do you know what it feels like? Here, I’ll show you.” He pulled a pair of pliars out of his bag and gave them to the girl and told her to clamp them on her tongue and pull it out as far as it could go. After a few attempts she managed to do that, and the guy said, “now imagine a needle going through your tongue.” She decided that there was no way she was getting her tongue pierced if it was going to feel like that, but Elvis didn’t seem too bothered by it.

Fellow Kiwi

A crazy Maori lady got on a tram late one night. She saw some other fellow crazy ladies down the other end of the tram and was yelling at them, trying to start a conversation. The other crazy ladies got off at the next stop and the Maori lady yelled at them for leaving. A New Zealand guy sitting near her had picked her as a fellow countryman and said to her, “there are a lot of us here, aren’t there.” She didn’t understand what he meant, so he said, “us Kiwis, there are a lot of us here.” If he was hoping for a conversation about hokey pokey ice cream or the All Blacks he wasn’t going to get it from her. She muttered something about the government, then got off at the next stop.

Da Bomb

Two guys sitting across from me were talking about stuff. One was Australian, the other from Northern Ireland. The tram passed a cheap car hire place called “Rent-a-bomb”. The Irish guy said that until he came to Australia he’d never heard an old car described as a bomb. But then, he said, it probably wouldn’t be too wise to be talking about bombs in Northern Ireland.

Bewigged Booze Hag

A drunk woman in her twenties got on a tram. She was with some crazy old guy who appeared to be her boyfriend. She kept asking for money or cigarettes but no one would give her any. She yelled out, “never wear a wig! It makes your head itch like Hell!” No one paid any attention to her and she got really angry and got off.

Wuv

There was a scruffy-looking girl with a smelly creepy guy who had his arms wrapper around her. He appeared to think that he was her boyfriend, but she wasn’t so sure. He asked her if she wanted to come with him to a pub, but she said she couldn’t go to that suburb because her ex-boyfriend lived there and had said if he ever saw here there he’d kill her. The creepy guy got off, then the girl kept asking people if they could smell something strange.

Ladies Man

A young man got on the tram and saw a group of girls he knew. They said hello to him. Instead of taking one of the many nearby empty seats, he instead stood next to them. They pretty much ignored him while he was standing there and got off a few stops later. He then sat down in the empty seat they’d been in.

Happy Bon Bon

Two trams were stopped near each other. An old lady was on one and her friend was on the other. She spend the next five minutes maniacally waving at her friend. She’d wave, then look around to see if other people on the tram were looking at her, then she’d go back to waving at her friend. She only stopped when her friend’s tram left.

Worse

The restaurant tram passes the tram I’m on in the opposite direction. The woman sitting across from me says to her husband, “I can’t think of anything worse than eating on a tram.” It took all the willpower I had to not ask her if, say, getting smacked in the face would be worse than eating on a tram, because I think for a lot of people it would.

Directions

This old guy tells the tram driver that he wants to go to a suburb that is basically in completely the opposite direction that the tram is going in, and not even on that route. The driver goes to pains to explain this to the old guy, telling him where he needs to get off and what trams he needs to take to get there. The old guy looks thoroughly confused and says, “I’m getting the train there. Do you go to a train station?”

Attempted Racism

There’s a crazy old drunk guy and a few seats away is a group of Asian teenagers who are joking and laughing. The drunk guy starts saying “chinks… chinks… go back to where you came from…” but he’s not actually talking loud enough for the Asians to hear him. He keeps uttering “chinks” until a guy in a suit says to him, “look mate, if you haven’t got anything intelligent to say, then I suggest you keep quiet.” The crazy guy shuts up, then gets off at the next stop.

Melbourne: Part Two - The Fold-Out Couch

A couple of months ago I decided to move to Melbourne. Whenever I told people I was going there, a conversation like this usually took place:

Robyn: I’m moving to Melbourne.
Person: Really? Have you got a job there.
Robyn: No.
Person: Oh, is it just a holiday?
Robyn: No.
Person: So what are you going to be doing there?
Robyn: I don’t know.
Person: Errrr… [implodes with confusion]

What it really came down to was I was really bored with doing very little in Auckland, so I thought it would be more interesting to be doing very little in Melbourne. So far that’s been proven true.

(Actually, just as a side note, when I say “doing very little”, I am using the literary technique of hyperbole. I don’t literally mean that I am doing very little, indeed there are not enough hours in the day for me to do all that I want to do. But you knew that, right?)

Melbourne is cool but everywhere you go there are reminders that society has a Serious Heroin Problem. Blue lights in toilets to make finding a vein hard, yellow needle disposal boxes when the vein is easy to find. The sign in the restaurant that says they don’t give out the toilet key to junkies. It’s all very urban and gritty, y’know.

Movies are more expensive here. A full price adult ticket in New Zealand is NZ$12.00, but here I have to pay around NZ$17.00, which totally sucks arse. But the good thing is there a quite a few cool independent theatres that play good films and don’t charge a lot. Sweet as.

Actually, I saw two incredibly cool movies that I possibly wouldn’t have had the opportunity to see in New Zealand.

The first was “The Crimson Rivers (Les Rivieres Pourpres),” which I saw the trailer for in New Caledonia. It was so cool. It was a fairly standard psycho killer thriller, but Vincent Cassel was in it, so that obviously elevated it to a new level of cool.

The other film I saw was “Nsync: Bigger Than Live,” which is an IMAX film of Nsync performing live in concert from the “No Strings Attached” tour. I saw this in Sydney, and it excited me. Not many films do that. I never thought I would be, or could be, but I’m really into Nsync now. I’m not sure words can express how much I love Nsync.

Anyway, back to Melbourne. Trams are fun because there are lots of crazy people who take trams. I have all these crazy-people-on-trams observations I’ve been scribbling down. And I want to go to Footscray, which is where “Romper Stomper” was set, but I’m a bit scared (Why? Russell Crowe might give me the bash?).

Right. That’s quite enough from me. Just to summarise: I’m in Melbourne, Nsync rule.