Archive for January, 2003

Special times

Published
by
Robyn
on January 31, 2003
in LJ and Observatory
. 0 Comments

First, an email exchange:

To: Robyn
From: Pat
Subject: hello

will you please email me a brochure of your chocolate rouses thanks.

To: Pat
From: Robyn
Subject: Re: hello

Whilst the caffeine and sugar in chocolate can be somewhat rousing, I’m afraid I don’t know what a chocolate rouse is.

Whether it’s a sexual term or a type of confectionary, or some bizarre concept that only exists on the internet, I don’t know, and I don’t have any brochures on the mysterious chocolate rouse to send you.

Good luck with your search for the elusive chocolate rouse.

From: Pat
To: Robyn
Subject: Re: hello

UPSSSSSSSS I AM VERY SORRY !!!! THANK YOU FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO ANSWER
I DIDNT MEAN TO ….. BYE BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If I’d had the necessary software handling skillz, I would have got some pictures of some naked black women and put together a brochure advertising “Chocolate Rouses: These fine Nubian princesses will a-rouse you!”

—

I saw “Adaptation”. I was really excited about seeing it. Like, I woke up this morning and was like, “woohoo, It’s Thursday! “Adaptation” opens today! It reminded me of this thing I wrote about vanilla over a year ago. I’m going to have to dig it out and stick it up on my web site.

The film opens with Kaufman (Cage) doing this monologue about everything that’s wrong with his life and how it would be better, if only certain things would happen. I was like “OMG, that is totally me life.” Yes, my internal monologue sounds exactly like that.

“Adaptation” reminded me of “Mullholland Drive,” in that the last 20 minutes or so is quite different from the rest of the film, and it can be interpreted in different ways. But really, if you were going to go all out and write a formulaic Hollywood screenplay, where John Laroche and Susan Orlean become lovers, wouldn’t you write a sex scene in the swamp? Well, I would. Maybe that’s just me.

—

Hey, you know how people talk about the period of time in the late ’60s and the ’70s when the contraceptive pill had been invented, but before Aids happened, when people could just have condomless sex with anyone, and it was all marvellous, blah, blah, blah, pass the disco boots?

Well, what about the time when cigarettes became readily available, when they weren’t taxed to hell, when you could smoke in public buildings, and before people had figured out that cigarettes were physically addictive and could cause cancer and heart disease? Oh yes, that would have been a very special time.

Vanilla

Published
by
Robyn
on January 31, 2003
in Observatory
. 0 Comments

Anything flavoured vanilla is thought of almost as being unflavoured. Often foods like vanilla ice cream or yoghurt are considered to be plain, not flavoured.

While people go crazy over chocolate flavoured delights, not many people seem to share the same level of enthusiasm for vanilla.

In computer terminology, a vanilla version of something is basic, pared down, default set up. More interesting versions get names like chocolate or mocha, as if vanilla is somehow flavourless compared to those two.

Vanilla’s reputation is further sullied by it being part of “Vanilla Ice,” the stage name taken by early nineties rap icon Robert Van Winkle. As he fell from fame and into notoriety, his stage name became the punch line to many jokes.

Vanilla is considered plain and boring. It’s ordinary and unexciting. It’s bland and white. It’s not funky or soulful, it’s dull old vanilla.

But wait - vanilla isn’t that. In fact, it’s almost the complete opposite.

First, the name. Vanilla comes from the Latin word vagina, meaning sheath or pod. It’s thought that it was named either because some early botanist looked at a vanilla pod and it reminded him of a vagina, or because it was thought to be an aphrodisiac. (Just imagine if plants were still named that way. “Oh look, I’ve planted a Mighty Shaft of Desire next to the roses!”)

That puts an interesting twist on this quote by porn actress Annabel Chong, who once slept with 251 men in ten hours, “I can’t speak for all the women in the world, but I am sure there are certain women out there who have a part of their sexuality that’s not vanilla, that’s not polite.”

Then there’s the vanilla equalling white thing. Ever seen a vanilla bean pod? It’s dark, dark brown; almost black. There’s nothing plain or white about it.

And the flavour; the rich, dark, smouldering and sensuous flavour almost seems to evoke the steamy tropical heat of the countries it’s grown in.

Vanilla compliments and enhances the flavours of many other foods. It’s been used with chocolate to give smooth, mellow tones, since the 16th century. It blends especially well with dairy products, giving us such delightful treats as vanilla ice cream.

Vanilla may still be thought of by some as plain and boring, but really it’s rich and sensual and exotic, full of hidden surprises.

A Play

Published
by
Robyn
on January 31, 2003
in LJ and Observatory
. 0 Comments

In normal circumstances this would be a review of a play. But these were not normal circumstances so instead it’s going to be about my experience as an audience member rather than about the play itself.

The play in question was “Antimony”. It was put on by the Stronghold Theatre Company. A bunch of people I knew were going to see it one Tuesday night, so I decided to see it too.

I managed to find the old warehouse on McKelvie Street where the play was being performed, but before I even made it to the door I saw a friend of mine walking up the street. Let’s call him Javier.

Javier was going to the nearby wine shop to get some beer, so I joined him. We ended up sitting in my car, drinking beer, and listening to Mai FM. It seemed like a very teenage thing to do.

So three bottles of beer later we decided to make our way over to the warehouse. As we approached the building we could see that the lights were out - uh oh - the play had started. We entered, promising the girl on the door that we’d pay afterwards, and caused much mayhem on our way to the seats.

The seating was those stackable platform seat things that I last saw at a school assembly when I was 12. Being the middle of winter in an old warehouse with high ceilings and no heating, it got pretty cold. I knew I shouldn’t have worn those stupid low-waisted pants.

The play had started with various images projected upon a large screen at the back of the stage. Eventually it stopped and the acting started. I started watching, following it. It seemed a little bit confusing, but not too much. Then it hit me. I needed to go to the toilet. Those three beers had taken their toll. I really needed to go to the toilet.

I sat there in the cold, dark theatre trying to concentrate on the play but being constantly reminded of my full bladder. I started dreaming about magical catheters or being able to stop time and go for a pee. But neither of those were going to happen. It became more and more uncomfortable, more and more unbearable. When I started fantasising about peeing my pants I knew I had to do something.

I didn’t know if there was a toilet in the building. It was dark when I entered so I hadn’t seen one, but I knew there was a petrol station just around the corner. I got up and went there as fast as I could. I amazed myself with my superior muscle control, as I was able to jog there. As soon as got to the petrol station I noticed a sign on the door advising people that there were no publicly available toilets. I asked the guy behind the counter if he could possible make an exception for me because, you know, I was desperate. He said no.

I continued up the hill to a park where I knew there were public toilets. They were those automated vandal-proof ones, so they’d surely be open, right? No. I don’t know why, but they were locked. I continued down the road. There was a petrol station further along and I was pretty sure they had a toilet.

Yes! Right next to the “No Nuclear Fire For Amber” sign there was a bright and shining Mobil with a nice clean toilet. It was the best pee I’ve ever had in my entire life. I vowed that my next fuel purchase would be from that Mobil as a way of thanking them for their much-appreciated toilet.

Feeling lighter and happier I made my way back to the theatre. I snuck back in and tried to catch up with the rest of the play. I couldn’t really figure out what was going on, but I didn’t really care, because I didn’t need to pee any more!

Eventually the play ended. I discovered that not only was there a toilet in the warehouse, but I wasn’t the only one who’d been busting to use it. So, really, I can’t say much about the play, but I reckon an intermission would have been much appreciated.

Be a tourist in your own city

Published
by
Robyn
on January 30, 2003
in LJ and Places
. 0 Comments

There are certain kinds of people who I never see using the buses around Auckland city. Really skinny women with long blonde hair who wear their sunglasses on top of their head are one of those kinds.

I went down to the Viaduct Harbour. I object to that name for the simple reason that the viaduct no longer exists. I remember back when the road stretched across the entrance of the harbour, and there was the part of the road that lifted up to let boats pass, but at some stage most of the viaduct was removed. Now it’s just a regular old harbour.

I walked along to the end of Princess Wharf. It’s very stark, but I think that’s deliberate. At the end there’s a balcony on the first floor of the Hilton Hotel. There’s no sign saying so, but it’s actually a public balcony, so instead of getting magnificent harbour views standing at the end of the wharf, you can get magnificent harbour views a couple more metres up, and within ear range of the drunk people lunching at the Hilton’s restaurant.

Despite being in the middle of the city, it was actually quite peaceful. From my deluxxxe viewing platform I could see a young lady tourist put her digital camera up on a car, set the timer and take a photo of herself posing with the harbour behind her. An old man wandered along and she got him to take a photo of her.

Back at the Viaduct Harbour, I saw a few of the Cow Parade cows. The idea is that artists get these lifesize fibreglass cows and paint them, and it creates fun public art and raises money for charity. The cow outside the Loaded Hog had a sign asking patrons not to sit on it. What’s the fun in having cow statues if you can’t sit on them? The cow statue in Hamilton has been sat on many times. So has the sheep.

There was one cow statue that I liked the best. It was one that wasn’t trying to be a pun or a parody; it just looked good. I walked around the other side and saw the artist’s name. It was done by Otis Frizzell, a.k.a MC OJ. Actually, now that I think about it, that cow was painted like the van in the KFC ads. Maybe Otis did that too?

Rounding out my journey downtown, I had lunch in the foodcourt in the Downtown mall thing. It’s just an average foodcourt, but at the far end there’s some seats overlooking QE2 Square which is currently being designed. So I sat there and watched a guy in a digger scooping up piles of dirt and dumping them on the other side of the rectangular hole he was in.

I’m not entirely sure what’s happening, but I do know that that part of Queen Street is going to be opened up to traffic again, but only buses. I think that’s ok. I mean, there are some pedestrian malls - like Cuba Street in Wellington - that work really well, but QE2 Square has always seemed really cold, bleak and gloomy. I think the new plans are going to put more stuff into the place, break up the big area into smaller chunks and have some much-needed shelter.

It’s all part of the Britomart redevelopment. I remember back in 1999 when the old Post Office had all the plans in the design contest. Now the winning entry is being built and it’s going to be opening later this year. Yay! A real, proper central transport terminal. Yes, I am genuinely excited.

This also means that the downtown area, specially east of Queen Street, is going to eventually be redeveloped. Does this mean that all the strip clubs and massage parlours down Fort Street will be turned into cafes and bookstores? Not that getting rid of a redlight district is a good thing. Decades ago lower Greys Ave (where the back of the Town Hall is now) used to be filled with houses of ill repute. The solution was to condemn all the buildings and pull them down. K Road is slowly getting gussied up. The infamous pink bits have recently been sold and are currently being done up (I will miss the “JULIE’TS” sign). That leaves a handful of adult stores and the Vegas club. Paranoid South Islanders will have to find themselves another cliche.

Blue skies

Published
by
Robyn
on January 28, 2003
in Film & TV and LJ
. 0 Comments

I saw two movies today.

1. “8 Mile”

Taryn Manning has the interesting distinction of having been in both the Britney movie (”Crossroads”) and the Eminem movie. “8 Mile” is everything that “Crossroads” was trying to be.

I saw it as Village Westgate because apparently it has the best sound, and indeed the movie did sound excellent. There’s a part where the Free World guys (the rival to Rabbit’s 31/3 posse) show up at the trailer park to give B. Rabbit some very un-funky beats. Their car has a loud stereo and it’s playing something with a loud, low ominous bassline that set the tone of the scene perfectly, without being cheesy.

The story wasn’t original, but it was subverted so it wasn’t packed full of cliches. Yeah, he meets a pretty girl who sort of becomes his girlfriend, but she sleeps with another guy, but that doesn’t make it the end of the world either.

Kim Basinger as Stephanie, Rabbit’s mom, was great. The movie could have been a great opportunity for Eminem to diss his mother, but while Stephanie was messed up, she also had good intentions and just wanted the best for her family, y’know.

The sex scene - OMG, was that perfect, or what? A friend of mine described it like this: “no fucking montage, no bullshit build-up, just quiet stamping factory sex.” Yeah, cos in the real world when people have really hot sex, instrumental songs don’t mysteriously start playing in the background.

The ending was very satisfying. In a lesser film there would have been a talent scout in the audience waving a contract, or a youth centre being saved from the evil developers. Instead all that mattered was winning the respect of a small club audience.

2. “The Hot Chick”

The movie page of the Herald was lying on the floor. There were two big ads sitting side-by-side. One was for the upcoming “Whale Rider”, the other for “The Hot Chick.” I realised that if I didn’t see “The Hot Chick” soon, there would be a point where I would actually pick seeing it over seeing “Whale Rider”, which seemed morally wrong.

So I saw “The Hot Chick” and it was really dumb and really silly, and had a bit too much of that thing that also happens in Adam Sandler films where something really violent happens and it’s meant to be funny, but I laughed. I laughed heartily. I feel so dirty.

Actually, going back to “Whale Rider”, I think the hype may have killed the film for me already. All these magazines and newspapers are doing massive features on it, just like with the “Lord of the Rings” sequel. It’s like “Whale Rider” is such a beautiful work of art movie, that everyone must go and see it, and if you don’t you’re a bad New Zealander. So therefore, I must rebel and not see it. I still haven’t seen the second “Lord of the Rings” movie yet.

Fun for the whole family

Published
by
Robyn
on January 27, 2003
in Observatory
. 0 Comments

First, a random quote:

“This will be a free family fun day with lots of prizes and fun activities for the whole family.”

Are things like this ever really fun for the whole family? Or do guilty parents drag their kids along for some quality time, ignoring the fact that staying indoors with the Barbies and the Playstation might actually be their kid’s preferred use of the day. Maybe.

Hey, part two of the tentative series about alternatives to Starbucks.

When the Ponsonby Road Starbucks opened, people reckoned on of two things would happened. Either the Starbucks would suck up all the business of the local cafes, forcing the locally owned cafes to close and transforming the Three Lamps End of Ponsonby Road into even more of a mall. Or no one would go to the Starbucks and it would close in a couple of months.

Neither happened. The Starbucks happily co-exists along with the cafes down that end of Ponsonby Road. Even just a quick walk-by will show that the kind of people who go to that Starbucks aren’t the kind of people who’d normally go to any of the other cafes.

But anyway, just down from Starbucks is Espresso Love. I have much love for Espresso Love. It’s very hippyish and there’s all this new age decor. They do a larger than usual amount of vegan menu items, but there’s meat there too. They also do a range of really good smoothies. But I was there for the coffee. I ordered a latte and went out into the garden out the back.

There was a little fountains and heaps of plants. Its was lovely. The coffee came in a bowl, which I don’t like, but I guess latte-in-bowls is just a cultural quirk of New Zealand, up with which I should put. But it was good coffee, very creamy, which I think makes a good latte.

Blah blah blah coffee.

Uh!

Published
by
Robyn
on January 26, 2003
in Biography and LJ
. 0 Comments

After the gig last night Mr Eddie Hodad, Mr Otis Uh! and Gaz, Nik and myself went to Mr Hank Special’s pad. Dirk Thrust did not join us.

Here is a story:

Ok, there’s this guy. He’s been in a few bands - one of them was with my old boss, many years ago. He does a lot of experimental noise stuff. Lots of feedback and loops, samples, that sort of shit, uh, thing. I think American college radio nerds like him. His flatmate came home one day and found a guitar resting against an amp with a steady stream of feedback coming out of the amp, while the musician was otherwise occupied in the kitchen, cooking tea. So the flatmate turned off the amp. Then the musician guy comes out and was like “hey, why’d you do that! I was recording a track for my new album!”

Ah, something like that. I was funnier last night after I’d had a few beers.

I’m thinking about going to the Breeders show in Wellington. Paselode are the support act!

When I came home my flatmate’s bed was gone. In its place were three cheap porno mags. Is this a fair trade?

The Grinders in Raggiz

Published
by
Robyn
on January 25, 2003
in LJ and Music
. 0 Comments

I drove to Raglan and saw The Hollow Grinders play at Aqua Velvet.

Pumice was the support act. I’m not sure if Pumice is always just Stefan Neville, but tonight it was. He played drums, a guitar, sometimes keyboards and various other stuff that made interesting noises.

I could see that there were a few people coming in and immediately thinking “what the fuck?”. Someone tried heckling him, but it didn’t work because he was really, really good. He played sitting behind the drum kit, and would intensely play, then look up at the end of each song and look happy that people were applauding. He did a really nice version of “Sunshine on Leith”.

But the exciting thing is Pumice is one of the bands playing support for the Breeders concert. I’m guessing he’ll be on before the Brunettes. It’s hard to guess what the audience reaction will be, but I suspect it might be like when the Shrugs opened for the Datsuns at the St James. I was talking to StfnNvll after the show and said I was planning on going to the Breeders show. He said he was a bit nervous because all he really knew of them was “Cannonball”. Ha!

Hey, the Hollow Grinders were great. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Hollow Grinders show as good as this one. The sound was good, and the atmosphere was as well. There were plenty of people dancing (not just the Hamilton fans). I think it might have worked because it makes sense for a band that plays surf instrumental to be playing near one of the best surf beaches in the world. There’s even a few songs about Raglan-related surf stuff.

I had a couple of beers, I danced along, I had a great time.

Five things.

Published
by
Robyn
on January 24, 2003
in LJ and Observatory
. 0 Comments

Stuff that happened today.

1. Whenever I go to St Lukes people apologise to me. I don’t seem to get this reaction at any other mall. Fo’ example, today I was walking along a corridor. I needed to turn right down another corridor that lead to the toilets. A woman was coming along that corridor and we ended up reaching the corner at the same time. We both paused and she said “oh, sorry.” What was she apologising for? I was in her way as much as she was in my way. I’ve also noticed a few times at St Lukes I’ve been in a crowded store and have kind of bumped into someone and they’ve said sorry. It always seems to be women, and I’m getting sick of it. Stop apologising!

2. Waiting at the lights on Dominion Road I saw the most spectacular sight. A woman, probably in her late 30s, was walking along the road. She was wearing a pair of baggy, MC Hammer-style pants. The fabric was a red and white pattern and was quite a thin fabric. I know this because I could see her underwear. Oh, how I could see her underwear. She had a pair of black bikini briefs on. They were so clear through her trousers that it was almost as if she was only wearing her underwear. Was it deliberate? Was she going for a “I don’t give a damn about fashion” thing, or did she just not look in the mirror before she left the house?

3. I was driving up One Tree Hill and there were cows all over the road. It was quite exciting driving through the cows. It reminded me of living in the country, when there was that day when all the farmers used to herd their cows down to the saleyards. (I hated living in the country. Like, do you know how inherently uncool cow poo is?). As I slowly drove through the cows one of them jumped up and started humping another - right next to my car. Wow, a hot bovine lesbo a go-go show.

4. I was going to get a latte from Starbucks at St Lukes. I waited in line one person made coffee, another made frappuccinos and another served at the tills. The serving girl was really, really slow. The following took place:

Serving Girl (at microwave): Um, excuse me, do you want this heated?
Customer: What?
Serving Girl (moves closer): Do you want this heated?
Customer: What is it?
Serving Girl (goes to cash register to see the name of the pastry): Um, the cinnamon roll. Do you want me to heat it?
Customer: Um…?
Serving Girl: I think they taste really nice when they are heated.
Customer: Uh, how hot?
Serving Girl: It makes it nice and warm.
Customer: Um, well, as long as it’s not too hot. I don’t want the icing dripping.
Serving Girl: Ok, right. I’ll heat it up for you.

She then went through a similar painful conversation about some minor detail of some other item ordered. I couldn’t stand being witness to such mundanity so I went downstairs and got a latte from the Take 5 coffee stand. I was served quickly and there was no arsing about with the customer ahead of me. By the time I’d put my change in my wallet, my coffee was ready. This may possibly be part one of an occasional series of visiting the nearest alternative to Starbucks (i.e., if, like my neighbour’s homemade bumper sticker says, friends don’t let friends drink Starbucks, where do you go for coffee?)

5. I don’t get why “Lose Yourself” by Eminem is so popular. I’ve always thought it was really mundane, but then, I’ve never really been big on those “go for it, don’t give up, hold on to your dreams” kind of songs. “Lose Yourself” seems like a combination of that kind of song and a promo from “8 Mile”. But so many people I know like it - I mean, really like it. It seems that even though the lyrics are pretty specific, people manage to put themself in the song and come out of it feeling elevated, uplifted and inspired. Well, that’s not a bad thing.

Batman, world peace

Published
by
Robyn
on January 23, 2003
in Film & TV and LJ
. 0 Comments

I’ve been watching the 1966 “Batman” movie on DVD. I’d seen it a few times before, but I’d forgotten how funny it was. I think there was a period where I would have been like “urgh, “Batman” is so cheesy” (this probably coincided with Tim Burton’s gothic “Batman” movie in 1989), but that’s the whole point: it was meant to be cheesy.

The “Batman” movie is so funny. The dialogue especially is full of zappy lines. I would try to attempt to convey the humour when sexually frustrated Bruce Wayne goes on the date with the seductive Kitka (Catwoman in disguise), but words alone don’t convey the humour. Instead, here is Batman and Robin solving some riddles:

Batman: Robin, listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as I do. One, what has yellow skin and writes?
Robin: A ballpoint banana!
Batman: Right! Two, what people are always in a hurry?
Robin: Rushing people? Russians!
Batman: Right again. Now what would you say they mean?
Robin: Banana… Russian… I’ve got it! Someone Russian is going on slip on a banana peel and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin! The only possible meaning!

The basic plot involves The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler and Catwoman teaming up to form the United Underworld. Their plan is to dehydrate the members of the United World Security Council. The UWSC members are so busy arguing that they don’t notice the four super villains show up and dehydrate them into small piles of coloured dust.

Eventually good wins over and Batman gets the dust back, but sadly it gets all mixed up, so it’s off to the Batcave for it to be resorted. Finally the dust is ready to be rehydrated. Small metal stands on each chair hold a test tube with the dust for each member. Water is added and, zoing, the security council members are back.

I’m not sure what happened to the metal stands, but as none of the members say “hey, how’d this metal rod get up my arse!”, I assume the stands somehow disappear. Though it is possible that again the members are too busy arguing to notice a test tube up the bum.

But it is soon discovered that there’s a bit of a mix up. The security council members minds are in different bodies. Holy Freaky Friday! Batman observes this and comments, “Who knows, Robin. This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity.”

So, as the world is a little bit crazy at the moment, perhaps it’s time for someone to get Commodore Schmidlapp’s dehydration device, gather up the world leaders and mix things up for greater understanding and goodwill.