Daily Archives: January 23, 2003

Batman, world peace

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I’ve been watching the 1966 “Batman” movie on DVD. I’d seen it a few times before, but I’d forgotten how funny it was. I think there was a period where I would have been like “urgh, “Batman” is so cheesy” (this probably coincided with Tim Burton’s gothic “Batman” movie in 1989), but that’s the whole point: it was meant to be cheesy.

The “Batman” movie is so funny. The dialogue especially is full of zappy lines. I would try to attempt to convey the humour when sexually frustrated Bruce Wayne goes on the date with the seductive Kitka (Catwoman in disguise), but words alone don’t convey the humour. Instead, here is Batman and Robin solving some riddles:

Batman: Robin, listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as I do. One, what has yellow skin and writes?
Robin: A ballpoint banana!
Batman: Right! Two, what people are always in a hurry?
Robin: Rushing people? Russians!
Batman: Right again. Now what would you say they mean?
Robin: Banana… Russian… I’ve got it! Someone Russian is going on slip on a banana peel and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin! The only possible meaning!

The basic plot involves The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler and Catwoman teaming up to form the United Underworld. Their plan is to dehydrate the members of the United World Security Council. The UWSC members are so busy arguing that they don’t notice the four super villains show up and dehydrate them into small piles of coloured dust.

Eventually good wins over and Batman gets the dust back, but sadly it gets all mixed up, so it’s off to the Batcave for it to be resorted. Finally the dust is ready to be rehydrated. Small metal stands on each chair hold a test tube with the dust for each member. Water is added and, zoing, the security council members are back.

I’m not sure what happened to the metal stands, but as none of the members say “hey, how’d this metal rod get up my arse!”, I assume the stands somehow disappear. Though it is possible that again the members are too busy arguing to notice a test tube up the bum.

But it is soon discovered that there’s a bit of a mix up. The security council members minds are in different bodies. Holy Freaky Friday! Batman observes this and comments, “Who knows, Robin. This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity.”

So, as the world is a little bit crazy at the moment, perhaps it’s time for someone to get Commodore Schmidlapp’s dehydration device, gather up the world leaders and mix things up for greater understanding and goodwill.

Bling bling

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I used to work for an internet company. One year in December, everyone got this letter. All spelling, grammar and punctuation is as it was in the original:

25 DEC 1998 [The date had been added later with a rubber stamp]

Well it’s Christmas again.

This time we decided to splurge and get you all something you would like, a pen, a bottle of wine and some shares in [the company].

Yes that’s right we have decided to give all the staff some shares in this company, you have all worked hard and deserve to participate in the future wealth of this business. How it will work is yet to be full determined.

But it will be something like this:

- We will put up to 5% of the shares in a trust for the Staff when we go public next April.
- Those shares will stay in trust for 2 years until we list the company on the Stock Exchange.
- At the time you will be given your shares and can do as you wish with them.
- The amount you get will be based on your salary i.e. your salary/total salaries of the company.
- You will only be eligible if you are still employed at the time of the Stockexchange listing.
- There will be a lot more details provided in the future on the finer points.

Basically what it all means is, that if you work your butt off over the next few years you will end up quite wealthy. Now you may say how wealthy. Well for example someone who is on $30,000 p.a. at the time of the float could expect to own shares worth up to $200,000, if we all work hard.

You now have a real chance to participate in the potential of this company.

We look forward to the next few years, they will no doubt be exciting ones.

Merry Christmas and thank you for all your hard work.

[The names of the company directors. It was unsigned.]

The company never went public, it was never listed on the stock exchange. Most of the staff working there at the time the letter was written had left within a couple of years (I left three months later).

The bottle of wine exploded all over my bed. Coming back after the summer break, I discovered that the pen had leaked, resulting in all the other pens sticking to the bottom of my pen cup.

As exciting as it was to get a letter promising $200,000, I don’t think many people seriously expected to ever see that money.