Monthly Archives: April 2003

And the road becomes my bride

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Taupo was fun. There was a bit of a bittersweet tang near the end, but it was mostly fun. It’s an interesting town. Teh Matt observed that lots of businesses (like cafes) had teenagers working there, when in Auckland they’d normally be staffed by people in their late teens to mid-twenties.

The thing is that Taupo has no university or tech, so I guess for a lot of people once they’ve finished high school, the next step is to get out of Taupo and go to a big city. The high school aged kids are left to take up the slack. Fast Times at Taupo-Nui-A-Tia College?

What the world needs now

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Ah, yes. Dance for us, dancing monkey girl. Do a trick for us. Sing us a song. Tell us a jolly. Dance for us, dancing monkey girl.

Hi.

I was driving along a road today and suddenly a car shot out of a side street, attempting to do a right-hand turn. I had to slam on my breaks to avoid slamming into the side of that car. I breaked so hard that I burned rubber. The other car ended up positioned neatly behind me. I was shocked and just sat in my car for a while. Interestingly, I’d come to a stop right in front of a pedestrian crossing. I drove on and pulled over so the traffic behind me could follow on. The other car pulled over behind me, but I wasn’t interested in talking to them. Ideally I’d tell them to wake the fuck up, but in reality I’d probably end up being like, “it’s ok! No harm done!!!” So they drove on, then a little bit later I drove on. I ended up right next to that car at some traffic lights. I looked over and saw the driver and passenger embroiled in a fierce argument.

So when shit like that happens I know that it’s time to get out of Auckland. Fortunately such an opportunity has presented itself to me in the form of going to Taupo to hang out with, oh yes, a bunch of teenagers. R@d?

Groove and tongue

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Yesterday I went into a cafe and ordered a latte. While I was waiting for it to be made, the barista mentioned that he was now the bass player in my new favourite band. Apparently there was a big bust-up and walkouts, but the magical triangle has been rebuilt and the coolness will continue. Um, so that’s some non-specific showbiz gossip.

Next topic. Remember this dialogue from Pulp Fiction?

Vincent: I’m curious, why would you get a stud in your tongue?
Jody: It’s a sex thing. It helps fellatio.

Ok, so when Pulp Fiction was released tongue piercings were still a fairly fringe thing, but they rapidly became really common. And tied in with it was that line from Pulp Fiction that equated a tongue piercing with a blow job.

A friend of mine was telling me about a 14 year old chick he knows who got her tongue pierced. He said she reckons she got it done to help fellatio, but all the evidence points to her being totally inexperienced in the fellatial arts.

But here’s the thing: having a pierced tongue will not make you good at performing oral sex. If you are bad at blowjobs, having a little metal ball in the middle of your tongue will not make a difference.

Oh, and check this out:

Girl: Hey baby, can I fellate you?
Guy: Do you have a pierced tongue?
Girl: No.
Guy: Sorry, I’m not interested.

That’s never going to happen. Ever.

The time when having a pierced tongue will improve oral sex is when the man and woman have been together for so long that they’re getting bored. He’s tired of the same old fellatio and craves a little variety. A little metal ball may provide that variety. So I guess that makes a pierced tongue the symbol of a last-ditch attempt to spice up a fading sex life. Wow, that’s hot.

If you want to get your tongue pierced because you think it looks cool, then go for it. But don’t pretend that it’s a blowjob enhancer.

Witches

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My mother’s friends came over. I listened in horror from an other room as a group of women in their late 50s-early 60s talked and squawked. I was going out and discovered that one of their cars was blocking mine. I would have to enter the den of mothers.

“Hi,” I said as I entered the room. “Hello!!!!!!” they responded, like I was a hot guy and they were a bunch of teen girls. I asked the car’s owner to move her car. As I was on my way out to the car, one of the other ladies had some exciting news for me.

“YOU WENT TO SCHOOL WITH MY DAUGHTER!!!!”
“Uh…?”
“LOUISE! LOUISE SMITH!!!!!!” [not her real name]
“Um… it sounds familiar.”
“I’VE SEEN YOUR PHOTO! YOU LOOK FAMILIAR!!!! SHE WAS FRIENDS WITH KAREN TRENT [not her real name] AND THOSE GIRLS!!!!!!”

Ah yes, “those girls”. They were the part of the popular group, but not the pretty popular girls at the core. They were the less attractive ones that had to work at being pretty. They were the freaky-skinny ones with the big perms (though this was at a time when big perms were cool for teenaged girls), who openly bitched about their friends when they weren’t around. I remember hearing one excellent bitching session during a geography class when Karen was described as looking like a witch after spending the night sleeping on someone’s couch after a party.

“Oh yeah, I remember her.”

Stripe

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I discovered a section of my hair that is three different colours. The end half is light blonde, the middle quarter is a reddish brown and the head-end quarter is ash blonde. I’m not sure how this happened. I think I should see a hairdresser.

Pantaloons

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I was distracted. A shitty movie on TV and a chatroom discussion on the pronunciation of the “wh” sound in Maori made me a little late for the Hollow Grinders and All Torn Up gig. So late that I paid to get in, went to the bar, bought a beer and the Grinders finished their last song. But it was really cool running across Wainui Road towards Aqua Velvet with the beginning of that song playing. All Torn Up were fun. The audience seemed to be mostly locals. Oh, and the door stamp smudged purple ink onto my t-shirt.

After the show I was standing out on the footpath talking with Dirk Thrust and another fellow Dirk knew said that Raglan was a healing place. A friend of his had come out here and gone in the surf and cried. I think there may have been a spiritual church in the equation too. But Raglan doesn’t specifically heal me. If I drink the water I get sick.

Where are my seduction pants?

A plan for peace

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Regarding the war. Rather than the traditional kind of combat, I’d like to see the coalition forces and the Iraqi troops take part in an “American Idol” style elimination. Each side would have to show their stuff to the judges.

Randy: “You got the big guns, dawg!”
Paula: “I think your defence was really special. You’re missiles have a real star quality.”
Simon: “That was the worst front line I have ever seen. I don’t know how you seriously expect you’ll win this war.”

Then the world would get to call a 1-900 number and vote on who they think should win.