Robyn’s Secret Passage

I don’t have a new cellphone yet, so I missed out on a ticket to see the Friday taping of this Sunday’s NZ Idol show. Dammit.

But instead I did the following:

1. I watched a Jamie Oliver cooking show and saw him making this couscous and steamed fish dish. He was doing it all in one frying pan, but, as I furiously copied down the ingredients, I realised that I could make it without having to layer damp newspaper on top of a frying pan. I had it for dinner tonight, and it was good. Fish is too expensive, though.

2. I also watched “What Not To Wear”. They demonstrated the importance of a good bra. Their victim thought she was a double-E cup, but it turned out she was an H (!). I recently heard that most women get a cup size that’s too small and a rib size that’s too big. That just give you droopy, flat boobies. As the WNTW lady proved, a good bra actually makes a hideously gigantic bosom look normal. H cup? Never would have guessed.

3. Ok, this didn’t particularly clash with the Idol taping, but I was remember to go earlier in the evening. I saw the Salford Lads Club, oh, I mean, the Salford Lads Club playing at Galatos. They are, as the name will suggest to the savvy, a Smiths tribute band, and they’re from Wellington. Normally I don’t think too highly of tribute bands because they usually consist of guys in bad wigs mimicking bands so that old people can attempt to relive their youths. But I was willing to give the SLC a go. Galatos was packed, and while there were a few sad old people there, there was a significant proportion of people who were younger than me. The band was cool. They didn’t try to be Smiths clones, though the Morrissey was blessed with an uncanny resemblance. Instead they just played a bunch of Smiths songs really well, and everyone seemed to have a good time. There were two Johnny Marrs, needed to flesh out the full live sound, and Johnny #1 was very hot (blue nailpolish, tattoos, grown-out punk haircut, bad skin, and eyeliner). It was a very fun evening.

I feel lost and confused. The Face, my favourite magazine in the whole world, has been put “on hold” by its publisher while its fate is decided. There’ll be one more issue and then… oh no. May is going to be bleak, unless the rumour of a rescue bid lead by Jason “Not Gay” Donovan is true. Lemonaid in reverse, y’all.

Speaking of magazines, make sure you glance at this week’s edition of Woman’s Day (the one with Susan Wood on the cover. (Like that distinguishes it.)), particularly page 31. For there, on the far right hand side of the weekly NZ Idol feature, is a short piece on Idol Blog. I was invited along to the interview and photo shoot a couple of weeks ago and had a really fun time posing in the Japanese gardens out the back of the Waitakere City Council.

I am supremely grateful that the cheesy rockstar pose photos were not used, but concerned that as they exist and may be pulled out in future.

I’m approximately 50% Irish. I’m not entirely sure of the specifics of my heritage, but I do know that while both my dad’s parents were born in New Zealand, they both had big long Irish surnames that people have trouble spelling (Gallagher, Stranaghan). It’s possible that there’s been some English inbreeding there, and of course the long suspected but never confirmed Maori blood. I will have to investigate the next time I visit the whanau.

But anyway, it’s St Patrick’s day.

I was going to get all serious and write something about Kilmainham Gaol and Bloody Sunday, but then I decided that it would be much more fun to recap dumb stuff I have previously done to celebrate St Patrick’s Day.

Remember in the late ’80s - early ’90s when cool hip-hop people used to wear those puffa jackets and baseball caps with sequinned Africa shapes? Ok, well one St Patrick’s day I decided make a baseball cap with a sequinned outline of my motherland, Ireland. So I got my Batman baseball cap (so I’m guessing this happened in about 1990, so I was 15), and with a black marker pen I coloured in the yellow parts of the Batman symbol, leaving just a black cap. Then, using some green sequins, I stitched a shape of Ireland onto a piece of cloth. The idea was that I would then sew the sequin Ireland onto the cap and could celebrate my Irish heritage at the cutting edge of fashion.

Except there was a problem. While the mighty continent of Africa has a distinct shape that translates well in the medium of red, black and green sequins, Ireland is more a blobby shape. My attempt at capturing it in sequins had just resulted in a long thin blob of shiny green. Obviously I should have stuck with something like a shamrock: cheesy, yet simple and effective.

Another year - I think I was 14 - I asked my mum to buy me some Guinness. She did, but made me mix it with Sprite. I can safely say that Guinness and Sprite is revolting. However, last year when I visited the Guinness factory in Dublin, the “free” pint at the end was very lovely, thank you.

This year I didn’t realise that today was St Patrick’s Day until early this evening. I considered going to the supermarket and getting a can of Guinness, but it was raining so I copped out and - shamefully - had an Irish cream flavoured chocolate.

The shorts I wear to the gym are getting to be too big for me. It’s ok when I’m doing weights, but when I’m on the treadmill they start to slip down. First it was just down at the front a little, but now they’re starting to slip down over my arse. I know that one day soon I’ll be on the treadmill and my pants will fall down. I’ve been looking for some new shorts, scouring the athletic selections from the Warehouse to Dressmart to Farmers to Rebel Sports, to Game Dame and even to Nike, but I can not find any shorts that meet my needs. I think I will have to make use of a few strategically placed safety pins when I do Round The Bays.

On Sandringham Road, by the rail overbridge, someone has graffitied “Nitschkes” and “Unix Windows”. As a member of the N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S centralside crew, I do not take kindly to this geeky invasion of my territory.

I was in Whitcoulls today and noticed that a tie-in book for “Queer Eye” has been released. I briefly looked through it, and it looks like it’s full of really useful information, and not just for straight guys. But above all I was excited and delighted to finally get the spelling for that word. You know when Carson is talking about adding or doing something to an outfit to give it a little something extra? Well, that’s tszujing. He tszjues. It’s all very tszujy and most definitely all about the tszuj. I was spelling it zhoozh, but tszuj is so much better because it has three consonants in a row.

My cellphone is dying. Even when the battery is fully charged, it doesn’t even have enough power to stay on for a whole day. But even if I have it plugged into the charger, it randomly decides that it can’t pick up the network. It’s probably more inconvenient than not having a phone. I think I need to start, like pimping or dealing or something so I can buy a new phone. And some tszujy running shorts. Urgh. Modern life.

I went to Girls Day Out today. It’s this expo type thing where companies selling girly-type products get to pimp their wares. It’s divided into four categories;

“lifestyle” (food, the army),
“beauty” (i.e. a million different moisturisers and 13 year old girls and 33 year old women walking around looking like prostitutes after getting a “complimentary makeover”),
“fashion” (discounted end of season crap), and
“health and fitness” (101 ways to attempt to lose weight)

Having paid $15 to get in, I wanted to make sure that I got my money’s worth. Upon entry, each girl or woman is given a “cheque book”, which is actually a discount coupon, entry form and free sample book. Lots of stands give away free samples only with a coupon, so that greedy bitches don’t try to make off with three wax strips instead of just one.

Taking some time to plan my booty haul, I managed to fill up my show bag until I was bulging with free samples and other assorted crap. Just because I am so proud of my stash, I have detailed every item in my GDO booty.

1. 1 400 mL Pump water - I sort of paid $2 for this, but it was part of a funny little six part adventure. Part one involved standing in line for about 15 minutes. Part two involved buying a bottle of Pump, and therefore gaining admission to the mind/body/soul experience. Part three involved sitting on a bean bag, listening to the sound of a waterfall (just like an untuned radio), while watching a looping DVD of waterfalls and birds, then getting an inadequate hand massage from a pretty boy model. Part four involved doing some “yoga” which was suspiciously like the stretching I do at the gym. Part five involved getting a back massage that was really pinchy and hurt sometimes, even when I told the guy to be kinder and gentler. Part six involved leaving and wondering just what bottled water had to do with anything.

2. 1 Health Basics Aloe Vera Body Wash sample - Health Basics always seemed like one of those budget brands that Rendalls always have on special, but their products are actually pretty good and always smell nice.

3. 2 Clearasil Total Control magnet diaries - Each diary consists of two credit card sized magnets held together by a zigzagged length of paper. One side has a calendar, the other has space for addresses and telephone numbers. I’m not sure what the magnets are for. They don’t stick to each other (so it flops open all the time) and weirdly enough, only one magnet is strong enough to stick to my fridge, meaning that it doesn’t have enough magno-power for the whole thing to stick. It’s quite bizarre.

4. 1 Red Bull - I don’t usually drink Red Bull. The high caffeine level makes me jittery. This will probably hang out in my fridge for a bit before I throw it out.

5. 1 Sculpt chocolate protein shake - I used to use Sculpt all the time as my pre-workout protein intake, but then I decided to eliminate artificial sweeteners from my diet, so I’m not sure if this fits in any more. Er…

6. 1 Sanex shower puff - Score! This is really cool because I actually need a new shower puff. This one is blue, which matches my de facto shower decor.

7. 1 “Bagels - the thinking man’s crumpet” bumper sticker - Hilarious, huh?

8. 1 Lipobase moisturiser “medical sample” - This seems a bit strange. Is it a beauty product or is it a medical product? It smells a bit like lemon fresh furniture polish.

9. 1 Nivea Self Tan Cream sample - This is only 7 millilitres. You can’t tan much with that. Maybe one buttock. Are they hoping that you’ll get halfway up your calf, run out, freak out, and do an emergency mission to a 24 hour supermarket to buy some more?

10. 1 packet of 25 Clearasil Total Control Gentle Cleansing Wipes - Score! I actually use these and I had used up my last packet only two days before. I cut them in half to make them last twice as long, so this will keep me well stocked.

11. 1 packet of 2 Girl Guide biscuits - Over 20 years ago, when I was a Brownie, it was biscuit selling time. I went out with my mum, driving around all these rural roads, knocking on the doors of crazy people who’d run away to the country to be crazy in solitude. One crazy old man showed us the Girl Guide biscuits he’d bought the year before and was keeping in his freezer. Trying to deal with all this crap, I ate an entire packet of biscuits that day, and since then I’ve never been able to enjoy them.

12. 1 Blistex Berry Explosion - The “berry explosion” flavour is that horrible, generic “wild berry” flavour. It’s sweetened with saccharin, which makes it even less appealing.

13. 2 Clearasil Total Control Deep Pore Cleansing Wash samples - I’ve used this before and it left my skin feeling bumpy.

14. 2 Clearasil Total Control All-Day Moisturising Lotion samples - I’ve also used this before. It smells really nice and is really light. My skin still ends up like an oil slick, but I suspect that might be genetic.

15. 3 Veet 2-pack mini wax strips samples - Score! The Veet stand was temporarily unattended so I managed to grab three sample backs. Mini wax strips have a myriad of uses, and I’m sure I will eventually find some rogue hairs I can deal to with these.

16. 1 Clean & Clear Daily Pore Cleansing Cloth - This seems like an utter pain in the arse to use. It’s a dry, impregnated cloth. You wet it, wash your face with it, then rinse. I’d rather use one of my newly acquired facial cleaners in the shower or one of the cleansing wipes than muck around with this.

17. 1 Pantene Pro V comb - This was a free reward for having a hair type analysis. There was some sort of device that the tired looking and sounding girl ran along people’s hair, which then determined how damaged their hair was. Preferring not to wait in a queue of over-excited 14 year olds (”And I was like ‘yeah’ and he said ‘what’.”), I waited until the Pantene girl wasn’t looking and added a comb to my booty bag.

18. 1 Radox penguin shower hook - I think the idea is that you hand your shower puff on this. I picked a blue one (it’s that attempt at a co-ordinated bathroom decor again), but I noticed that most of the blue ones had gone, leaving the other two coloured (yellow and green, I think) animals (a squid, perhaps?). Damn, I hate making the obvious choice.

19. 1 Clean & Clear Blackhead Clearing wipe sample - Yeah, so I’m nearly 30 but my skin still isn’t showing any sign of settling down and acting its age. I’m torn between using anti-aging products and ones that will stop my skin from resembling an oil slick. Maybe this will be of use.

20. 3 Lee jeans “Create-a-Campaign” sticker sheets - A sheet of stickers of people wearing jeans. This appeals to me because when I was 10 years old I used to collect stickers, and I still have the magical “stickers = good” instinct.

21. 1 Optrex Fresh Eyes eye mask sample - I just checked the packet and indeed its recommended that you stick it in the fridge first. Is also suitable for “Smoke/Morning after”, whatever that is.

22. 1 Carefree tampons trial pack - It’s bright pink. When I was 10 my friends and I used to amuse ourselves by sending away for free tampon samples and they always came in bright pink “purse packs”. Why don’t they just give away bright pink t-shirts with “HELLO! I’VE GOT MY PERIOD”?

23. 2 Nivea Nourishing Lotion samples - The sample comes in a little folder with “I ♥ MY BODY” on its spine. Inside a woman holds up her hair to reveal an Oriental character tattooed on the back of her neck. It’s probably the Cantonese symbol for “STRONG WOMAN GODDESS GIRL POWER 4 EVA”.

24. 1 Nivea Soft moisturising cream - I bought some of this once. About halfway through the tube I became disgusted because having a tube of hand cream around seemed like a really old lady thing to do, so I got out my marker pen and wrote subversive messages on it. Yeah, that showed it.

25. 1 Maybelline Wonder Finish foundation sample - I am so pale that if I used this I would look like a black and white minstrel and would just offended every one in the entire world.

26. 1 Garnier Bodycooon Intense moisture lotion sample - Oh, so if I use this I will eventually break free of my Garnier Bodycocoon and become a beautiful Garnier Body butterfly? I hope so!

27. 1 Garnier Pure Intensive Wash sample - The girl asks me what kind of skin I have. I say, “uh, oily-ish.” She hands me this sample and says it has something in it that helps prevent oiliness. Or at least, I think that’s what this does.

28. 1 Calcitrim fridge magnet - Cool, I can put this next to the fridge magnet that says not to keep tomatoes in the fridge. I don’t drink Calcitrim, though it is pretty good milk.

29. 4 iPod postcards - I’m not counting brochures as booty, so this possible doesn’t count either, but I like postcards, iPods and the iPod ads. I also entered a couple of competitions to win an iPod.

30. 1 Nivea Shimmering Body Lotion sample - I once read a magazine recommend this as ideal for pale people who want to look nice without being tanned. I’m yet to try it, so I hope it won’t look like some sort of glitter gel for 12 year olds.

31. 2 Nivea Men facial wash, face scrub and cooling balm samples - I will add this to the men’s Schick razor that I acquired at some other expo type thing last year.

32. 1 Red Seal Relaxing Tea, Green Tea, Red Bush Tea teabags - I had a cup of the relaxing tea tonight. It’s like camomile with a bit of mint. It also has catnip in it, which might explain why I couldn’t stop meowing and rubbing my face against the couch for an hour.

33. 1 Red Bull postcard - Again, possible not true booty, but it has no big logos, no product shot, no advertising spiel (the reverse side is completely blank). All it shows is a guy doing a trick on a motorbike.

34. 1 “Smart Girls Don’t Diet” booklet - With an alleged value of $7.95, this booklet, written by “New Zealand’s favourite naturopath Lani Lopez” (who?) advises that caffeine is a “key nutrient for weight loss”. Right, well that’s just redefined “nutrient”.