Robyn’s Secret Passage

At a moment, a search on Google for “how to please your man” brings up one of my old webpages as the fifth result. It’s also showing up all over my web site stats and is the most visited page.

The page itself is sort of a parody of a typical relationship article in a women’s magazine, complete with pseudonymous case studies and experts who just happen have written a book on the subject.

So it seems that women are ending up at this page looking for advice, but even after reading the article, things are still troubled. And lately I’ve received two emails seeking more advice.

Mary Kate* writes:

I have been married four years. We have stopped having sex. It has been a year and a half. I have tried “you can stick it anywhere” and I’ve even ask him what he would like. All I get is “I’m tired.” So tell me something new to try, please. I’ve even tried the open marriage thing.

And Ashley writes:

My guy is 12 years younger than I with a very large pennis and he does not cum during sex. What can I do to please him or his he just not sexually attracted to me and yes I have tried oral sex, we are really great together and want to be together. He thinks that his job is to only please me not to be pleased. Tell me what can I do?

My advice-giving capabilities are just limited to the Dan Savage-ism, DTMFA, so I thought I’d throw this open to the interwebs.

So, guys, what advice should I offer Mary-Kate and Ashley?

* Some names have been changed.

Getting the bus today was rather exciting. In fact, it was even more exciting than the time last week when I inadvertently got high from the paint fumes some dude was huffing a few seats away. (Crazy people: if you’re going to abuse solvents, please don’t do it on public transport, especially air-conditioned buses where the windows don’t open.)

The big news is that the bus fare has gone up another 10 cents to $1.60. This, my friends, is an absolute outrage, for it was only a few months ago when it went from $1.30 to $1.50.

I was quite happy for it to be $1.50, and I was looking forward for it being that much for at least a year. It was very convenient to fish out three fun-sized 50c pieces and give them to the driver. But now $1.60 is going to be annoying. I’m going to have to start finding 10c coins or mucking around with twenties. God, how inconvenient.

This morning when I got the bus, I forgot about the price increase. I plonked down three fifties and the bus driver looked at me like I had come through a wormhole from the 1940s was expecting change from a halfpenny.

“It’s a dollar sixty,” he grunted. “Oh! Ha ha! Yes!” I gracefully exclaimed, and managed to piss off both everyone on the bus and waiting in line behind me as I took far too long rooting around in my wallet for the 10c coin I knew was there.

Later, as I boarded the bus home, I gave the driver a $2 coin as I couldn’t be bothered making $1.60 in exact change. He stared at it and a slightly nervous look shot across his face. “Have you got a 10c coin, ma’am?” he asked. “Oh, sorry, no,” I replied, trying not to look like a lying liar. “Hmm,” he hmmed, as he reluctantly departed with one of his precious, precious 20c coins and two tens. See, that’s what happens when the price goes up.