Monthly Archives: June 2008

Master Blaster

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Skip When Shuffling: Yes (it’s too depressing otherwise)

A few days ago I was listening to my iPod on shuffle on the way home from work when Stevie Wonder’s “Master Blaster (Jammin’)” came on. It’s a cool song. It was released in 1980 and is a feel-good tribute to Bob Marley, with the classic forget-your-worries-and-have-a-good-time theme.

But then the second verse came along and Stevie sang of one of his reasons to be jammin’:

Peace has come to Zimbabwe
Third World’s right on the one
Now’s the time for celebration
‘Cause we’ve only just begun

Oh no.

It’s hard to hear that lyric now without feeling sad. Back when that song was written, Zimbabwe had just won independence from the British and Mugabe was going to usher in a new era of strength, hope and, uh, peace.

Things weren’t supposed to go in totally the opposite direction.

Plastic Fan-frickin’-tastic

I was in at Salvation Army shop in Naenae, when I found a tape called “We Carry The Cup” – the official EP soundtrack for the 1986 America’s Cup campaign. It features the #1 smash hit song “Sailing Away”, which is probably the worst song ever in the history of anything ever. Ever.

I realised that someone born after, say, 1983, would have no memory of the magical time prior to 1986 when New Zealanders did not generally care about boat racing. They probably have no memory of cassette tapes either.

I showed various people the tape and one of the first things a lot of them said was, “Do you have tape player?” Yeah, I have a double cassette deck in my stereo (high-speed dubbing!). As totally obvious as it is, I didn’t realise that ordinary stereos don’t have tape players any more. They’re about as archaic now as a cathode-ray television. My stereo seems so old I feel like it should have doily on top of it.

Photos? Oh, why not!

Ignore him. He's just doing it to get attention.

Jesus of Naenae was such a staunch Housemartins fan, he shaved a cross into the side of his head.

Mothra Fail

“It’s a giant moth – a moth as big as Godzilla. If only there was some word we could use that would evoke both the scary sci-fi of a Godzilla-like creature and general mothiness. Oh, I know – Mothzilla!!!!”

Yes, we have those too

What, you mean your local copy shop doesn’t do laminating? Get with it!

SS Good Times

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In 1994, a rogue postie, known only as Warren C, was found to have been hoarding thousands of undelivered, unopened letters, some of which were so old they had been partially eaten by vermin.

Fortunately, most of the letters were able to be delivered to their intended recipients, but one particular package containing a manuscript of an apparent romantic novel, was so badly damaged that not only was the entire envelope destroyed, but most of the pages too.

What follows are the last remaining words from the few undamaged pages. It is hoped that the original author can be found.

Page 1:

“Here, I want you to have this,” Auntie Nola said, passing Veronica a small folder. “It’s a ticket for a week-long cruise on the SS Good Times. I won it at the church gala, of all places! I’m too old for a cruise ship, but you, my dear, well, it might be just what you need. Might finally find a fellow!”

Page 15:

“What do you mean it’s a virgin pina colada? What, pineapple juice and coconut cream? That’s not a cocktail – that’s a detox, and I didn’t come here to detox!” Veronica was outraged.

Isaiah the bartender shrugged and passed the yellow drink to her. “Sorry, ma’am – there is no alcohol onboard this ship – captain’s orders.”

Veronica took the drink and mooched over to a deck chair on the Lido deck. What sort of ship didn’t have rum? And would she ever find love aboard the increasingly bizarre SS Good Times?

Page 38:

“I’m sorry, miss. The buffet has been closed due to a norovirus outbreak. But we have some packets of chips if you’re hungry.”

Page 82:

“This is only a bikini! How is this offensive?! I demand to see the captain!” Veronica was furious.

Page 85:

“Ah, I think I see where the confusion has arisen,” said the captain. “This is actually the SS God Times. We are a floating mission ship, bringing the word of the Lord to the South Seas.”

“Oh, you’re kidding me.” Veronica was outraged and furious. “Well, what am I supposed to do for the rest of the week? Pray?”

“Perhaps you would like to visit our Christian bookstore,” the captain suggested. “It’s the largest floating bookstore in the southern hemisphere. We have a large section for Christian singles.”

“Oh, Captain,” Veronica purred. “My bikini seems to have come loose. Could you be a dear and tie me up?”

“Uh, no. I’m… happily… married…”

Page 257:

“I’m your captain now, you bad bad boy,” she screamed.

“Shiver me timbers,” the captain moaned.

Page 258:

“Look, uh, this is kind of awkward. I don’t even want to see you again, let alone marry you. I was just bored. I mean, stuck on a ship for a week with no booze, not even shuffleboard… I was just looking for some good times.”

Veronica couldn’t find her bra, but it didn’t matter. The gangplank had been lowered. The real world awaited.

“But I think I’m going to check out that Christian singles website you recommended. Bye, captain. Thanks for the rum.”

THE END

Happy Panda Lucky Karaoke Fun Pie

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Happy Panda Lucky Karaoke Fun Pie (Or, Hints and Tips for Successful Modern Karaoke-ing)

  • When the night’s getting on and your voice is starting to get a little hoarse (pony!!!), go for the punk. Singing “Anarchy In The UK” or “Lust For Life” is much easier to sing than anything with one of those melody things.
  • But don’t try to match your hoarse voice with “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. Yeah, Bonnie Tyler sounds like she gargles gravel, but she can sang, yo. You’ll get about 25%, if you’re lucky. The rest will sound like you have throat cancer.
  • Don’t pick a song because it’s the theme tune to your favourite James Bond movie (“Live and Let Die”) and because there’s a cool jazzy version of it in the movie. Cos the karaoke machine will, of course, have the Paul McCartney and Wings version, which is an overwrought crapstravaganza. And what sort of lyric is “If this ever changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cry…”?
  • If you got attitude, it don’t matter if you can’t sing, man. Pick a song that you like and belt it out. If the karaoke machine is half-decent, it’ll add some subtle effects that’ll help even out the crap.
  • If the Deftones “Shove It (My Own Summer)” is on the list, and if you have a pal that you can sing it with, don’t. Cos even though it’s really fun to scream your arse off, your audience will hate you very quickly.
  • If someone picks “Under Pressure”, everyone will think it’s SingStar time and start rapping “Ice Ice Baby”. Bonus points to anyone who can rap the whole thing.
  • Don’t do “Wannabe”. The rapping bit is really fast and the singing is high. The Spice Girls make it look far too easy. (Wot, you mean you actually have to be able to sing properly to be a Spice Girl, etc.)
  • Avoid songs with long instrumental breaks (re “Live and Let Die”). Cos while the soundalike karaoke track is going off on the instrumental, you’ll just end up standing there with the microphone. All attempts to dance will make you look like a dad.
  • Make sure you actually know the song before you attempt to sing it. Nothing is quite as lolz-inducing to your fellow karaokers as you rewriting the first verse as “Rising up, back on the street… Um, I don’t actually know how this bit goes. Uh…”
  • It’s quite fun to do Nsync’s “It’s Gonna Be Me”, cos you get to do all the me’s as “maaaay”. You can flush out all the closeted Nsync fans who’ll be secretly singing along.

Photo courtesy of beguilejapan‘s Flickr stream.

F:Rad = teh win

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Well, it’s about time. Fractured Radius, my (old?) team in the 48Hours film competition have just tonight won the Auckland finals with their serious short “The End”.

I was sad that I couldn’t be part of F:Rad 2008, but apparently I am credited as an excellence consultant, which would probably be the “Hey, you can do serious! Go for it!” phone call with the director on the Friday night of competition weekend.

I’m really happy for Dylan, Andy and James – who’ve been the core of Fracture Radius right from the first year in 2003, when they made the appallingly bad “F.I.T” – and for the rest of the team, both amateurs and professionals, who no doubt worked hard and had much fun on 48Hours weekend.

But now my loyalties are torn! “The End” will be in the national finals, but then so will the Wellington winner, Smashing Pants’ “Darlene”, which I also have tons of cinematic love for. Ugh – does this mean I’ll have to support the Gisborne winner instead?

A difference between Auckland and Wellington

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A difference between Auckland and WellingtonI recently signed up for my Wellington library card and couldn’t help compare it with my Auckland library one.

Auckland’s got a scenic photo of the city at night, with the sort of orange sky you’d normally only get if there’d been a volcanic eruption in the Philippines or something. The Sky Tower looks so bright and white, it’s as if they took a 1995 photo of the city and photoshopped a contemporary, daytime image of the Sky Tower into it. It’s all “Look at me! I am slick and urban! I am a world-class city – just like Sydney and Melbourne!!!!”

Whereas the Wellington card has a detail from some Para Matchett’s sculptures on the City To Sea bridge. He’s one of my favourite New Zealand sculptors (did you guess that aready from my Flickr icon?) so I’m happy to have that in my wallet.