Recent demands

Every now and then I like to pretend I am an ’80s television programme and delve into the mailbag (aka the search-term referer logs) to answer some viewer correspondence.

Robyn Gallagher real name

Princess Roshonda Boutros Meow-Meow Taaniqua O’Gallagher. Which is also my security answer for online banking.

What can I say that can be expressed like the sunshine?

Like warm banana peels playfully slapping my shoulders.
Like fluorescent tubes from a happy office.
Like meteorological baguettes, feeding me with brightness.
Like a thousand yellow highlighter pens.
This is how you make me feel.

Wedding pens

Let me tell you one thing – you stick with a pencil. Because in a couple of years’ time, you’ll be back on my doorstep with a suitcase under one arm and a child under the other saying, “Mother, I made a terrible mistake. Oscar was not right for me!” Ink is not good enough for that rogue. Sign your name with a light pencil and keep an eraser in your pocket at all times.

Transvestite and Auckland and smoking and New Zealand

“Well, hello. You must be new around here. We don’t get many new faces these days.”

“I’m actually just visiting. I’m from Tasmania.”

“Well, you’re in the big smoke now, darling. And speaking of smoke – if you’re going to light up, you’d better do it out on the balcony.”

“But I thought you could smoke inside here. It said on the website…”

“Oh, that blasted website. Do you know, that has caused us nothing but trouble. Ralph put it up back in the ’90s but he forgot the password for it years ago. It has old prices, old photos and the claim that we are “Australasia’s only transvestite cigar bar.” Nothing but trouble.”

“But I came all the way here.”

“Sorry, darl. Rules are rules. Oh, look. You’ve got a nice face and you’re wearing those control-top tights well. We have a smoking room out the back for staff breaks. Just don’t tell the Ministry of Health!”

“Thank you. You’ve made me a very happy man.”

“I’ll show you the way.”

Team scarf

Team Edward!!!!

Sleep deprivation effects

Team Jacob!!!!!

Rap song on the dole

Every day I go to the office on WINZ
and this is where my fun begins.
I get the dole and buy some booze
and get into a drunken mood.

Don’t want no job. I’m on the dole.
I ain’t got no self-control.
I’m a figment of your imagination,
oh listener of a talkback station.

Rap, rap, rappy, rap-rapp.
Rap-rap, rappy, rappy.
Rappy, rappy, rap-rapp.
Word.

How did Hamilton Lake get its name?

There was a lake and it was in Hamilton and they looked at it and they said “there is a lake Hamilton so we shall call it Hamilton Lake”. And they did and it was good.

Turning 33 poem

Now you are 33: a poem

Many a notorious man or woman
has reached the age of 33:
Chubby funnymen John Belushi and Chris Farley;
wife of JKF Jr, Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy;
Richard II (blame his cousin Henry);
Evas Braun, Peron and Cassidy;
writer William S Burroughs Jr and rapper Pimp C;
soulman Sam Cooke; conceptual artist Leigh Bowery;
Jesus and Bon Scott (of AC/DC);
and writress Robin Hyde.
All these people were 33.
33 when they died.

Are you interesting?

No, not really.

The old fellas

In April 2006, the Cribs were my new favourite band. I’d stumbled across the Jarman brothers’ Yorkshirian blend of pop, rock and punk and decided I rather liked it. I became completely obsessed with the band and went on a mission to obtain as many of their recordings as I could.

I kept it a secret because I was a little embarassed with just how obsessed I had become, but also because they were my secret band and I didn’t want anyone to share in the love.

It even violated my Last.FM music play statistics. Most played artist – 435 plays. Most played song “You’re Gonna Lose Us” – 29 plays (that’s the Bernard-Butler-produced single version, not the Edwyn-Collins-produced “The New Fellas” album version).

But eventually, whatever, I came down from the Cribs-induced state of euphoria. They stayed on high-rotate on my iPod, but the fanatacism faded, leaving a nice sense of liked-up-ness.

Then, oh hello, Johnny Marr joined the Cribs. This is another one of those incidents that makes me think the universe is conspiring to make all my dreams come true. The guitarist of one of my favourite bands joining another of my favourite bands.

So with their first album as a foursome to promote, the Cribs rolled into town to play a gig at Bodega. Of course I went along.

After the band entered to the theme from Twin Peaks, they kicked into their first song and suddenly all the oldies in the audience started taking photos. (When I say “oldies”, I mean people my age.)

In front of Mr Marr, a small group of dads appeared, smart phones in hand, trying to taking photo of their guitar hero. It was as if the other lads on stage didn’t matter (just his backing band, right?).

Who cares that Ryan sings hunched over his microphone, attacking his guitar like a northern Richard III, or that Gary stretches out long and tall and lean with his bass, or that Ross powers away on drums at the back? Who even cares that music was being played, that dancing and jumping was happening? All these blokes seemed to care about was getting a digital likeness of a black blur on a red smudge that they can upload to their Facebooks and label “Johnny Marr”.

I managed to jump over to the other side. The audience was treated to many sonic delights, including the lovely vocal harmonies on “Save Your Secrets”, the chorus of “Direction” revved up like a chainsaw of love, and the disembodied head of Lee Renaldo flickering on the wall to join in on the epic, soaring “Be Safe”.

And then with a quickness it was over. They ended and did not come back for an encore. The no-encore move pleased me. For too many years bands have been going through the charade of the “Oh, we’ve finished! Good night!” move, only to be wooed back on stage (“Oh, if you insist…”) to play those other songs that just happen to be written at the bottom of their set list.

The Cribs just ended and walked off. And that was all that was needed. Would the night have been any better if they’d thrown in “Martell” or “What About Me”? (Actually, yeah…)

But perhaps this upset the natural order of the universe. Because on my way home I stopped by the San Fran, sneaking in to see the remainder of The 3Ds’ reunion show. I was just in time for the final song of their encore – the perfect after-dinner munt of “Hellzapoppin”.