After the All Blacks’ defeat at the last Rugby World Cup, I tried to figure it out. I could see that New Zealand was grieving at the loss but it hadn’t given up hope. Now with the RWC being held here and the dream of victory on the cusp of being realised, it feels like rugby is everywhere but I still don’t feel like I fit in with rugby life.
I grew up in a house where sport wasn’t really watched. I could speculate that’s where my lack of interest in the game came from, but yet there was hardly ever any music played in the house and I’ve grown up totally in love with the world of pop. And likewise my brother has overcome this sporting handicap to become a fan of rugby league and union.
The few times I’ve watched rugby on TV, I’ve found it really hard to follow. It seems really complex, all these guys running around in different directions, passing, kicking and then stopping to get into various formations, like aggressive cheerleaders.
I’ve just never had a connection with rugby. Even in 2009 – the year I vowed to go to sportsevents – it didn’t occur to me to go to a rugby game. Soccer is simple enough, but even the achingly complicated cricket won out over ruggers. Perhaps it’s because of the massive role that rugby plays in New Zealand society. Top-level rugby seems so intense, so extravagant, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
Supporting the All Blacks – to the point where you’re ecstatic when they win and inconsolable when they lose – takes emotional committment. You give a bit of yourself to the All Blacks and let them become part of your personal identity. I’m not there. I’m still unconnected, outside the sphere of rugby. If the All Blacks lose the World Cup, I’m not going to go into mourning. But if they win, I won’t have that “WE’RE NUMBER ONE!” feeling of elation.
So the Rugby World Cup happens without me being drawn into it. I’ve only watched one match, a semi-final, and I was paying so little attention that I can’t even remember who was playing. Because I couldn’t follow the game, it was other stuff that grabbed my attention. My mental image of what a rugby game looks like seems to be based on how things were in the 1980s. So I was intrigued that today’s players mostly look really muscular and lean, like they’ve been deliberately visually bulking up their muscles and not carrying extra weight. They’re also a lot less hairy – there seems to be a serious waxing regime going on. It’s all very metrosexual, which I highly approve of.
When the big ol’ New Zealand versus Australia semi-final game was on last weekend, instead I was watching the indie romantic comedy hit “Strictly Sexual“. There are a lot of things that I’m really into right now and those will always win out over watching a rugby game.
So now, in the final hours before the really-big-deal final, I’m still trying to figure this thing out. I’m probably not going to watch the game. I probably won’t know the final score until I see people on Twitter emoting over it. But, you know, I’m not going to complain if the city erupts in jubilation… or implodes with devastation.
My favourite film of 1997 was “Topless Women Talk About Their Lives”. Written by ex-Front Lawn man Harry Sinclair and starring Danielle Cormack, Joel Tobeck, Willa O’neill, Ian Hughes and Shimpal Lelisi, it told the bittersweet story of a group of inner-city dwelling Auckland cool kids and their crazy mixed up lives.
It was released in my first year living in Auckland, and I think I secretly wished I had a similarly cool life, rather than feeling really awkward at suburban IRC parties.
14 years later, “Topless Women” has only just been released on DVD, including both the film and the original TV series consisting of 41 episodes of around 3 to 4 minutes each, as well as a good commentary track from the cast and director who have all gone on to proper fancy showbiz work.
I watched the DVD (several times) and have come up with my fave things about the world of “Topless Women”.
The really expensive pizza
Um, that'll be $42.95
In episode eight, Liz is working as a pizza delivery girl. She delivers a pizza – “Hawaiian with anchovy” – to old friend Gary. The pizza (and there seems to be only one) costs $42.95. This sounds astronomically expensive, but pizzas used to be priced like that. Today you could get a ham and pineapple pizza delivered for under $10, but back in the ’90s, they were strangely expensive. So we should be grateful for the pizza wars of the late ’90s, when people realised that pizza was really just shit on a shingle and therefore the pizza companies had no business charging such outrageous prices.
Party good times
Liz prepares for a productive day at the office (seriously)
I peripherally knew people like the characters in Topless Women. Cool kids who’d live in slightly grotty inner-city flats with no hot water (back before there were proper places to live in Auckland central), and life was all about pills and not eating and sex and being creative and abortions necesitated by broken hearts. There’s always a feeling that it can’t last, no matter how amazing it all seems at the time. Sooner or later someone wakes up feeling awful and things slowly get straightened up. Either that or someone ends up dead.
The most beautiful thing
The most beautiful thing
Four years before “American Beauty” introduced the world to the poetry of a lone plastic bag floating on the breeze, “Topless Women” got there first. But instead of the wondrous instrumental soundtrack of “American Beauty”, “Topless Women” has Shayne Carter’s sexy sneer on the Straitjacket Fits’s brooding tune “If I Were You”. And it’s all tied up with the state of Ant’s mental health, Prue’s cheerfulness, and strange goings-on involving Ant’s mum and her girlfriend.
So much drama
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
There’s overlap between the later TV episodes and about half the film. In one scene, Geoff tells Liz he’d make a great dad for her unborn child. In the TV version, while this is going on, a television in the room plays a cheesy soap that Geoff in acting in. Miranda Harcourt is his co-star, doing a perfectly overwrought performance with lots of tears, flailing, a lolipop and so much drama. This is all missing from the film version and the scene plays a lot straighter. I like the TV version better, really laying on the tension.
The ghosts of buildings past
Auckland, looking like a proper grown-up city
Liz lives in a house on top of the Fergusson Buildings and Civic House on Queen Street. It was demolished a few years later as those two buildings were gutted to be rebuilt as the new Queen Street cinema complex. Whenever I’m in the IMAX theatre, I like to wonder if I’m in the space formerly occupied by that house, especially the outdoor area where Liz and Neil kinda, sorta finally revealed their feelings for each other (or did they, etc). And that’s more exciting than any IMAX film.
The soundtrack
Subtitled Niuean appreciation of the Flying Nun back catalogue
“Topless Women” had a killer soundtrack, using the best bits of the Flying Nun catalogue past and present. The commentary track gives credit to editor Cushla Dillon for suggesting Flying Nun tracks. In the TV series, each episode featured one song, carefully chosen to reflect the tone of the episode. The film used a smaller selection, each perfectly working with the story. It was the first time a New Zealand film had such an unashamedly New Zealand soundtrack, and now it’s pretty much standard that New Zealand films have New Zealand songs on the soundtrack.
The not-so-mighty Civic
If you're going to have a panic attack, you might as well do it in style
The pre-restoration Civic features as the location of Ant’s film debut. Little glimpses of its less glamorous past are revealed. Tiled columns at the entrance, burnt orange carpet in the foyer, faux rustic wooden benches, beige interior paint job, curly wooden decorative frames – all the bits and pieces that were gleefully discarded when the Civic was fancied up in the late ’90s. But the old Civic had a slightly creepy feel to it that made it the perfect place for the fragile Ant to freak out over his film debut.
Gift with purchase
Chris Cornell's distorted face makes a cameo
Neil wears a black T-shirt printed with the cover art of Soundgarden’s 1994 album “Superunknown”. These T-shirts were given away free with the CD when purchased from Sounds record stores, so they were everywhere. In fact, they were particularly common in Hamilton, probably due to its rich bogan subculture. I kind of miss this about buying music. Online, you might get a bonus track, but never a physical object. No t-shirts, posters, lighters, six-packs or MC Hammer limited edition baseball caps.
Tropical vacation location
Prue and Mike tie the knot
When the TV series started, there was pretty much no budget, with cast and crew donating their time and filming on the weekend around proper jobs. Then along the way some NZ On Air and NZ Film Commission funding appeared and suddenly horizons began to broaden. Settings expanded from small flats and K Road to multiple locations, day and night, as well as the piece de resistance – the wedding in Niue. It’s not just an excuse for a trip to a tropical location – it perfectly suits that part of the story, removing the characters from their predictable loose-moralled urban setting and transplanting them to a deeply religious Pacific island.
I’m currently obsessed with Jedward, aka John and Edward Grimes, the Irish twin bro pop duo. I don’t think they’re particularly well known in New Zealand, so here’s their basic story:
They auditioned for the UK “X Factor” show in 2009, age 17. They weren’t very good singers, but the judges saw a certain spunk in them and somehow they ended up in the final 12 and made it to week seven before being voted out. The highlight was their highly entertaining version of Britney Spears’ “Oops!… I Did it Again”, complete with the “Titanic”-inspired dialogue.
Post “X Factor”, they toured, released an album of covers and had a couple of hit singles. In May they represented Ireland at Eurovision with their first original song “Lipstick”. They came a very respectable eigth place, but – more importantly – had won the hearts of teen girls all over Europe.
A second album followed – this time with all original songs. In August they appeared on UK Celebrity Big Brother, and seemed to be the only housemates who were always having a good time instead of lying around smoking, moaning, paranoid.
So with this in mind, I present ten things I like about Jedward.
Note: I’ve included lots of links to videos. While they’re not terribly explicit, a couple are probably on the NSFW border. But if you do have the sort of workplace where you can watch saucy YouTube videos, call me.
1. Planet Jedward
One of the best moves – and I think this came from their management – was the concept of Planet Jedward. It’s the world that John and Edward live in, and it’s a joyous world.
Their music is full of up. Their Eurovision performance is packed with energy and exuberance, but yet everything they do is like this. There is no off switch. There is no “being on” for the crowds. Why walk when you can cartwheel?
And on Planet Jedward, the fellows are resiliant. They go with the flow, expertly absorbing all criticism and owning it. An example from their recent, hilarious stint on UK Celebrity Big Brother – after failing to clean up the kitchen after being instructed to do so by Big Brother (they slid around in olive oil instead), they were punished by having to dress up like babies, which they actually relished. Goo-goo ga-ga.
2. Twins
As it happens, I’m fans of another couple of musical twins – the Jarman brothers of the Cribs and the Deal sisters of the Breeders. But where Ryan and Gary and Kim and Kelley are very much their own person, the distinction between the Grimes brothers is initially less clear.
They dress identically, have the same haircut, usually styled in the same way, and at first glance, they can be pretty much indisguishable from one another.
But stick around long enough and the differences become clearer. John has a huskier voice. He’s slightly more aggressive. Edward has a softer voice and is more artistic. And they do look different from each other. The consensus amongst Jedicated fans is that John is the sexy one and Edward is the cute one.
And their twinness means they’re always playing off one another, their mutual company giving them endless excuses to muck around in the way that not many people can do on their own or even with a friend.
But the best thing – there’s two of them!
3. Rapscallions
John and Edward are restless. When they’re interviewed, they talk over the top of each other, interrupting and branching off on the craziest tangents (which actually start to make sense when you’ve lived on Planet Jedward a while). It’s not uncommon for even expert interviewers to find themselves trapped in the vortex of chatter, but the best interviewers just accept that things are different on Planet Jedward. When they’re in full Jedward mode, they are joy. Here’s a brilliant interview with Alan Carr.
The energy continues when John and Edward are alone. They make lots of little videos mucking around in hotel rooms and/or involving water (the magic of wetness!). The piece de resistance is this video which involves four minutes and 22 seconds of such activities as discussion of Emma Watson’s hair, lipsynching to Avril Lavigne’s “What the Hell”, toothbrushing, pillow-fighting, shower-dancing, and bed-jumping.
4. Sex and Sexuality
Officially John and Edward like girls, but they don’t have girlfriends because it’s hard to have a girlfriend when you’re famous. There are gay rumours, but pretty much every young-dude pop singer gets that, and some even play up to it.
The pair are famously virgins, doing an Irish-Catholic version of the Jonas Brothers’ vow of abstinence. But, you know, they’re 19-year-old guys.
Jedward’s audiences are tween and teen girls and adults, so they cleverly tread a fine line between the two audiences, both innocent and sexual; not a boy, not yet a man. In one of their YouTube clips, Edward rides a toy car, and it’s really cute. Then he looks at the camera and says, “Wanna beep my horn? You wanna beep it?” Judging by the dozens of comments, the majority of Jedward fans would very much like to beep Edward’s horn.
John and Edward have a certain kind of androgyny. They’re both beautiful boys, and that’s a look that’s always worked well in pop. The lads seem simultaenously bisexual and asexual, but are maybe more accurately Jedsexual. They can play up to the “Hey, girl/boy, maybe I can be your boyfriend” fantasy, without actually having to go there. Their total lack of self-consciousness and certain naivety means they brilliantly get away with doing heaps of cool stuff that would normally come across as really really gay. There’s no attempt to lad them up to not appear too camp. They can even pose for a devastatingly hot photo shoot for GayTimes magazine, without even having to worry about alienating their girl fans.
But even if there were some solid evidence that the pair were “straight” and/or “gay”, that still wouldn’t suddenly clear everything up. They’re still living on Planet Jedward, were sexuality doesn’t matter. It’s quite nice there.
And then there’s this clip, a fan-made compilation of various seductive glances and pouts from YouTube. Either way, the pair have got something that people dream of.
5. Irishness
The brothers are Irish, and largely speak with Irish accents with a slight American tinge. It’s not a full-on American accent, but just a few vowels show up that aren’t Irish. And they’ll talk about their “mom”, even though they still call her Mammy.
But I think back to when I was 11 and used to do reenactments of “Entertainment This Week” with my school friends, complete with bad American accents because it sounded cool. And my inner monologue is usually American accented (or Estuary English).
When most Irish musisicians who break into the mainstream do so with a really big “I’M IRISH” flavour to their music, it’s refreshing when someone comes along who’s willing to acknowledge they’ve grown up immersed in American pop culture in suburban Dublin and not in an enchanted glade where the little people dance.
6. Pale
The lads have pale Irish skin – like me! And right from the get-go, manager Louis Walsh advised them to stay away from the spray tan. Fake tans are high maintenance and never quite look natural – especially on pale skin.
This makes me really happy, because over the years, I’ve had pressure from people to not have pale skin. Like there was somehow something wrong with me for not being tanned. I spent too many years as a teen attempting to tan, before I realised it was something I just couldn’t do. All-over pale is much easier. Girls Aloud popstress Nicola Roberts has taken a similar stance, celebrating the beauty of natural pale.
There’s an idea that tanned skin looks better on camera (I used to work on a TV show that had its presenters get regular spray tans), but yet the magic of natural skintones is whenever John and Edward stand next to someone with a spray tan, the other person looks orange.
But it’s not just about skin tone. It’s about, you know, being proud of who you are and what you’ve got. And, frankly, this means more to me than any no-sex/no-drugs stance.
7. Talent
Some people wail, “Jedward can’t siiiing!” And, well, when they were on “X Factor”, they were definitely the weakest singers. But as “X Factor” progressed, and indeed beyond it, their singing technique improved, but mainly through repetition and rehearsal. With a scarily punk attitude, they refuse to formally improve their craft.
On their albums, their vocals are polished, autotuned, but no one’s pretending that’s how they sing all the time. The lads regularly post roughly recorded videos to YouTube of them energetically, sweetly singing their own songs and their favourite pop tunes. Their strengths and weaknesses are laid bare – and their fans love them for it.
But John and Edward’s talent – their skills that pay the bills – isn’t just singing. They’re very entertaining, with genuine stage presence and that elusive, er, X-factor that can’t be learnt.
They also have a remarkable talent as models. As well as both being absolutely beautiful (and this is a large part of their pop appeal), they can channel the malarky into suave, and actually do Blue Steel without forcing a duckface. And they can pretty much look good in anything, which is a skill that few people have.
In the UK and Ireland, the duo have a number of television projects too. And even if the whole pop star thing doesn’t work out – most pop groups get about three years of massive success, if they’re lucky – they’ve got enough going for them to stay afloat in other fields for years.
8. Fame
“Never heard of them,” the old person cries. “They’re just famous for being famous.”
Except there is no such thing as ‘famous for being famous’. Everyone who is famous is so for a specific feat, talent or skill. It’s just that some of these talents are things that many people don’t necessarily value in others (but would like to have themself), like being attractive, living a fabulous life, or just being a really interesting person.
The Grimes brothers have always wanted to be famous (though on their own terms), even practising signing autographs, perfecting their pop star signature. There’s a remarkable clip of the pair performing the Backstreet Boys’ song “I Want it That Way” at a high school talent show. Their voices are wobbly, they get the lyrics messed up, but by the end of it, the teen girls in the audience are screaming with delight.
Jedward have released two albums. The first, “Planet Jedward”, was their post-”X-Factor” recording, consisting purely of cover versions. There are moments of pop magic, but generally it’s not so remarkable. The production particularly disguises their individuality, but full points to the person who sneakily decided to start the cover of “Teenage Kicks” with the opening riff from “Pretty Vacant”. Oh, yeah, and they also manage to sing the “Give no head, no backstage passes” line from “Rock DJ” without it sounding like it’s about blowjobs, and yet also exactly about that.
The pair’s second album, “Victory”, is a million times better. They have good songwriters on board, and good production that brings out John and Edward’s different voices. The album is full of pop gems. It reminds me of being 12, and how a good pop song can make you feel like everything is wonderful.
Four songs on “Victory” deal with themes of love and fame, both from the perspective of being a fan of a celebrity, and also falling in love with a civilian. The brothers’ number one crush is Britney Spears, so I figure she’s a inspiration behind all of these tunes.
But the songs I like are the sexxxier tunes with killer choruses like “DISTortion“, upcoming single “Wow Oh Wow“, the horribly named but totally brilliant “Techno Girl” and the sheer genius of “Pop Rocket“, a song that is either about sex or music, depending on what takes your fancy.
“Victory” reminds me of the joy of pop, albums with photos of the artist on the cover, that are structured around singles, and have filler tracks.
10. Social Media
I recently attended a mini music conference called Going Global, where music industry people from overseas gave New Zealand musicians advice on getting bigger. One thing that kept coming up was the need to engage with fans via social media, and examples were given of various buzz bands who do relevant tweets. Apparently some musicians are reluctant to do social media; they want to focus on their art and not have to interact with their audiences, dammit.
Well, this is what Jedward do. They have a Twitter account, @planetjedward. They mention their Twitter account in virtually all interviews they do, even on media like the BBC that doesn’t really approve of plugging. On Twitter, they post updates from their travels, photos, news and make brilliant tweets like this:
@planetjedward
Hi, we are Jedward. We can make your girlfriend scream louder than anyone can just by hitting her follow button on Twitter
That’s true, you know.
John and Edward will spend an hour doing an entertaining live broadcast showing them opening fan mail, lipsyncing or seeing how many pieces of chewing gum they can stuff in their mouth. There’s no manager standing over their shoulder telling them what to do or say or to call it a night. It feels like they have a genuine connection with their fans, and really enjoy doing stuff for them and with them.
This is the really great bit: when the lads reach milestones in Twitter followers, they post videos to celebrate and reward. The 200,000 follower mark got a video of Edward frolicking in the ocean, while 300,000 followers got the bros dancing to their song “Pop Rocket”… in their underwear. OMJ! They’ve recently hit 400,000 and the fandom is buzzing with anticipation as to what that video will be.
See, beardy indie bands. That’s how you do social media.
So, I celebrate the joy of Jedward. Two dudes working hard, making money, having a ton of fun along the way, and making the girls scream.
Bedazzling, the ancient art of sticking studs, rhinestones and other dazzling accoutrements onto clothes, wavers in and out of fashion. While there are those who would argue that adorning one’s jean jacket with sparking faux gems never goes out of fashion, it cannot be denied that there is currently an increase in popularity around the world of bedazzling.
Specifically, this is due to the innovation of vajazzling, the application of stick-on gems to the lady area, and its male counterpart, the pajazzle.
So that got me thinking – why stop at clothing and genitals? Why not extend the bedazzling principle to other things? So I picked up a few sheets of stunning stick-on gems and got to work turning some boring objects into breathtaking works of bedazzled beauty.
First of all I started with something really basic – a ’90s-era Sony microcassette recorder. I figured I could bedazzle it and then take it along to an important media event and make all the real journalists jealous.
Well, this was a bit of a disaster. The bedazzling on the speaker area blocked the sound from playing back, and the bedazzled micro cassette tape wouldn’t fit back inside the slot.
I was pretty upset at this and had a good cry.
I reached for some tissues to dry my tears, when suddenly inspiration struck me. Tissues are really boring, with their plain white fibres. I reached for my bedazzling kit and soon turned the dull tissues into stunning, fashionable bedazzled tissues.
Feeling buoyed and much more chipper by this breakthrough, I decided to go shopping for some vitamins. I was planning to take the bus into town, so before I left the house, I bedazzled my Snapper bus card.
The Snapper card has the cool fish design, but it’s a bit boring and not very fashionable. I soon bedazzled it up, emphasising the fish logo, but adding stylish new bedazzled dimensions.
Down at my local chemist, I picked up some women’s multivitamins. As I looked at the bottle, I couldn’t help feel that it was not very stylish or fashionable and could actually do with some bedazzling.
Out came my kit and I got to work on it, making sure to add a wee diamond to each pill in the bottle. I was pretty impressed with my ability to transform a boring old bottle of vitamins into a stunning, trendy bedazzled masterpiece.
But then I went to take a vitamin and came to a horrible realisation: I could not swallow the pill if it had a bedazzle stuck to it.
I looked at what I’d been doing and I felt like a bit of a dick. Bedazzling vitamins? What had I been thinking? I slumped into my La-Z-Boy recliner and discovered I was all cried out. There was only one thing for it. I needed to drown my sorrows in another kind of bottle.
Need a little achh! in your step? Try this on for size. It’s Pop and it tastes great and it makes you feel kinda funny. Not here [points to head], not down there [points downwards], but all up in this area [gestures to the general chest region]. And coming July 24th 2001, Jumbo Pop!
That’s the intro of ‘N Sync’s “Pop” video, where a Max Headroom-esque Justin Timberlake suddenly appears on the flatscreen TV in a cereal-eating sassy girl’s living room. The Pop in question is an orange fizzy beverage presented in a round-bottom flask. But the pop is also the music on ‘N Sync’s third and final studio album “Celebrity” which was indeed released on Tuesday 24 July 2001.
It went five times platinum in the US. That sounds impressive, but ‘N Sync’s previous album “No Strings Attached” went 11x platinum, and their debut album (which wasn’t even all that good) went 10x platinum.
But it sales aside, it’s a good place to draw a line. It was released only a few months before 9/11, and it also seemed to represent the last gasp of the millennium giddiness, before we all had to settle down and get a bit serious for the next decade. How did this final album of Justin, JC, Joey, Lance and Chris hold up over the passing decade?
And “Celebrity” is one of my fave albums, and it got my through some tough times, man. So as it’s the 10th anniversary of the album, I though it was about time to look back and do a track-by-track.
1. Pop
In which ‘N Sync want some respect.
First, it’s not just pop, it’s dirty pop. ‘N Sync are quick to establish that they aren’t the squeaky clean teen pop idols of 1998. They’re not talking the NKOTB route and dressing up in leather, trying to pretend they’re street hoodlums. No, ‘N Sync still fully own that they are a vocal harmony band with fresh dance moves. But they’d just like a little respect, ok?
The chorus triumphantly unites:
Do you ever wonder why this music gets you high?
It takes you on a ride.
You feel it when your body starts to rock, and, baby, you can’t stop.
When the music’s all you got, this must be pop.
That’s what it is. When you listen to pop because a good pop song feels good. It is better than sex, better than drugs and better than rock ‘n’ roll.
But then the song hits the breaks and Justin says, “Man, I’m tired of singing.” This was originally just the intro for – gasp – Justin’s beatbox solo, but now it takes on another meaning. Because Justin is tired of singing. His last solo album was released in 2006, and he’s now moved on to acting.
If you want to look for other signs of impending doom, they’re there. “The thing you got to realise, what we’re doing is not a trend. We got the gift of melody, we’re gonna bring it till the end.” No, Justin, what you were doing was just a trend. Though it is true that ‘N Sync brought it till the end. “Celebrity” had only a couple of dud tracks, and is a fine album to unintentionally go out with.
And then there’s the other sign of doom – it’s a Justin and JC sung track, written by Justin and his Australian choreographer. It’s produced to let Justin and JC’s voices stand out, with the rest of the group sounding more like session singers brought in for a few oohs.
But here’s the thing, despite all that has happened since, it’s still a great pop track. It’s danceable and uplifting and full of slices of club music and other bits of the late ’90s that didn’t usually make it to the top of the charts. And it’s a great opening track for the album.
2. Celebrity
In which ‘N Sync grow weary of this world.
“Write what you know,” they say. So Robyn writes about ‘N Sync and ‘N Sync write about being celebrities.
It’s hard out there when you’re a famous pop star and your girlfriend isn’t. Although, it’s a Justin-penned track and at the time he was very famously in relationship with Britney Spears, who enjoyed equal levels of celebrity to her fellow ex-Mouseketeer.
If I wasn’t a celebrity would you be so nice to me?
If I didn’t have cheese, like, every day, would you still wanna be with me?
The first time I heard this song, I didn’t know that cheese was slang for money, so I imagined ‘N Sync were talking about actual cheese. I imagine Lance frolicking with a giant wheel of gouda, when suddenly hordes of screaming teens run after him, making him frantically roll the cheese wheel down the street to make getaway.
Like in “Pop”, Justin takes the first verse and JC takes the second one. But JC gets the best bit – “See, it would be different if you had something, maybe like a J-O-B”. Only the “J-O-B” bit is sung a cappella with the full group harmonising on it. Because that is their J-O-B.
The song sounds quite bitter, with the protagonist vowing to leave Ms Golddigger and find someone who will “love me for me”. The song is a little bit of a middle finger to all of ‘N Sync’s nutso fans, who blindly vow their love for the band, but it also reveals a weak point of self-esteem among the lads. What if the girl answered, “Yes, I’d still want to be with you because you’re not a horrible person and I enjoy being with you”?
3. The Game Is Over
In which ‘N Sync do not achieve the high score.
“The Game Is Over” is a JC song, so he also gets to sing lead vocal first. But that’s not the best thing. The song is super cool because it samples bits of the Pacman theme. It’s chipcore years before all the cool kids were into it. (But, ok, Yellow Magic Orchestra fully got there first back in 1978 with “Computer Games“.)
And the video game samples are effective. ‘N Sync are the generation who grew up playing spacies. It makes perfect sense to extend the “game over” of a false-hearted lover’s betrayal into the same sense of loss one feels when the ghosts get Pacman.
“The Game Is Over” also works as a counterpoint to JC’s other technology-themed song “Digital Getdown” from ‘N Sync’s previous album “No Strings Attached”. “Digital Get Down” was a celebration of cyber sex, which was a fairly awesome thing for a pop group to be singing about in 2000.
But “The Game Is Over” is angry. “How could you think that you could do me like that,” JC spits, and his posse is right behind him. “You played yourself!”
If one wants to get Freudian here, one can look at the sexual parallels of the coin in the video game slot. In ‘N Sync’s live tour, they dressed up Tron-style versus an army of fembot types. But in reality, it’s more about a lone dude in a T-shirt and Levis, angrily battling away at a video game cos he’s just found out his girlfriend’s been rooting around.
4. Girlfriend
In which ‘N Sync try to peer pressure you in to being their girlfriend.
Why don’t you be my girlfriend?
I’ll treat you good.
I know you hear your friends when they say you should.
Every girl wants to be wanted, and this song is the voice of a guy who wants a girl. Let’s take a moment to luxuriate in the fantasy of “Girlfriend”. Let’s say you’re a girl and you have a crush on Justin or JC (or Joey, Chris or even Lance). You know realistically there’s no way that Mr Timberlake will be your boyfriend, but maybe if you got to meet him backstage at an ‘N Sync concert you could convince him.
“Girlfriend” turns it around. Rather than you having to seduce/beguile/drug your favourite ‘N Sync into loving you, there he is trying to convince you to be his girlfriend with song.
The song is written by the Neptunes, with plenty of their trademark staccato sound. Kids, that was back when the Neptunes wrote and produced songs, rather than Pharrell making Qream, that weird low-calorie cream liqueur for the ladies.
There’s a slightly sexed-up remix of the song, with Nelly showing up for a guest rap. That and the video (gangs, drag races, go Greased Lightning) show that ‘N Sync were continuing with the slightly toughed-up image.
“Girlfriend” was their final single off “Celebrity”, and it was the first single released after 9/11, five months after the event. It makes sense that in the confused post-9/11 world, they’d want to harden up a little.
But sometimes you just want a boy to want you to be his girlfriend.
5. The Two of Us
In which ‘N Sync just can’t get you out of their head.
Romantic obsession, it’s quite fun, yeah? The song starts with some sweet harpsichord-style keyboard, not unlike that of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”, before stuttering to life with some tasty beats.
The song treads a fine line between the romantic and the sexual. The song works as the story of a man waiting for his new girlfriend to come home so they can stay up late watching DVDs and eating chips or he’s waiting for his girl to come home to they can have sex all night long.
“I always wanted to tell you,” Justin sings, “but I was so afraid.” Now he’s made that big step, he’s confessed his feelings and now things are going to get better.
But there’s a little self doubt. “Baby, I wonder if you feel the same as I do.” In the back of his mind, there’s the very real possibility that the girl might not be as into him as he’s into her. She might just be using him for sex. Or chips.
But there is hope in my heart. I think the girl will be into him and will want to do more than just watch DVDs.
6. Gone
In which ‘N Sync struggle with loss.
Was this song, the second single off “Celebrity”, the straw that broke the ‘N Sync camel’s back? (And is there a Backstreet Boys dromedary?) Written by Justin and his Australian choreographer, and with Justin on all the lead vocals, it might as well have been credited to “Justin Timberlake and the ‘N Syncs”.
It’s a sad song, chronicling the aching loss that comes with a breakup. Following the two previous tracks at the hopeful beginning stages of a relationship, the sting of “Gone” is even stronger.
With the girl out of his life, what does Justin miss? “I’ve drove myself insane wishing I could touch your face, but the truth remains – you’re gone”. It’s simple, tender and the lack of face-touching, it hurts so much.
The song functions as a showcase for Justin. As well as the getting all the lead vocals, the song also affords him a bare a cappella break down, just to prove he’s got the skills that pay the bills. This is what it sounds like when a boyband splinters, when a guy goes solo.
And so the song takes on a double meaning. Now it’s not just about a guy missing his girlfriend. Justin is singing the loss that his group will soon feel when he sidesteps away from them, and the group’s theoretical hiatus becomes a permanent breakup.
7. Tell Me, Tell Me…Baby
In which the big guns are brought out.
The Swedes are back. There’s always a moment of tension when one hears that a pop artist has started writing their own songs. Sometimes it works, other times it’s terrible. In the case of ‘N Sync, the songs co-written by Justin and JC were perfectly good pop songs, but it took the Swedish pop production house of Cheiron to really bring the power pop. On this song, it’s Max and Rami from Cheiron.
The first sign that something great is happening is the ellipses in the song title. You know what other song used that? “…Baby One More Time” is what.
The song starts with perfectly adequate beats and “oh ohs”, before one of the ‘N Syncs stops things and says, “Hold it, can we back it up just a little bit?” The song rewinds and starts over with a sonic explosion of shattering glass and snippets of Cheiron’s previous hits with ‘N Sync. Take that, Justin and his choreographer!
The song also features that hallmark of the Cheiron/Jive Records oeuvre – the pronunciation of ‘me’ as ‘maaayyee”, which nicely rhymes with ‘baby’.
Like “Gone”, it’s a cry for a relationship that’s fallen apart. But unlike “Gone”, there’s hope that things can be mended. It’s more of a group song, with a united boyband sound. It’s the hope that ‘N Sync can stay together, forever. Maybe they just need Cheiron to work some more magic.
At this point I was going to come to the defence of professional songwriters and pop production houses. But if it’s not Cheiron (which closed in 2001), it’s Tamla Motown or the Brill Building. And it’s the same old criticism that come up again and again, only to go away when the songs are a few decades old and are recognised as gems. Really, if a single sounds amazing, why is it a bad thing that the person who wrote it is different to the person who sings it?
8. Up Against the Wall
In which ‘N Sync enjoy a good humping.
I love this song because it’s about humping. It’s a collaboration between Justin and JC (hot), and is self-consciously full of two-step beats. Yeah, take that, Craig David.
She took my hand.
We never said a word at all.
We starting grinding.
Shorty had me up against the wall.
You could choose to think of it as a dance style like jacking or daggering, but there’s also the possibility that it’s just about an attractive young couple, high on who knows what, who’ve spotted each other across a crowded room but just don’t have time to deal with the hassle of removing clothes.
The action takes place in a disco, where the protagonist spots a fine young lady who then proceeds to come over and hump him. This is top quality humping, because it takes the fellow away from all his cares. “Ask me about tomorrow – you know that I don’t care at all. I just got caught up when she had me up against the wall.”
But what happens tomorrow? Does he wake up with the fly honey in bed with him, realising he has to go through an awkward morning-after conversation? Or does he wake up alone, wondering what happened to his leather trousers at the club?
9. See Right Through You
In which ‘N Sync shed an angry tear.
Things are bitter. A moment of clarity hits ‘N Sync. That girl, the one they loved, she ain’t nothing but a cheating ho.
Covering similar territory to Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know”, the song is the voice of cheated-on lover angrily dealing with the aftermath of that discovery. But where as Alanis bluntly asks, “Would she go down on you in a theatre,” ‘N Sync get more euphemistic, asking, “Does he freak you the way that I do?”
‘N Sync move into slightly sweary territory with the line “These games they’ve gotta stop. About to get pissed off.” It’s also remarkable that it’s “pissed off”, which is more British than the American “pissed”. I think this may be a contribution of Justin’s Australian choreographer.
The song is angry, but it doesn’t quite seem to have the real anger of being dicked over. Later, when Justin’s girlfriend rooted his Australian choreographer, he wrote the bitter epic “Cry Me a River“.
Yeah, write what you know.
10. Selfish
In which ‘N Sync cater to the all-important newlyweds demographic.
There are two dud songs on “Celebrity”, which was the same miss rate on “No Strings Attached”. But while the two songs on ‘N Sync’s previous album were written by Richard Marx and Diane Warren (yeah….), this time around the lads managed to write the songs themselves. The first is a JC song.
I used to tolerate this song, but now it annoys me. “Selfish” sounds like an ’80s slow jam, with strings, mellow keyboard and key changes. Lyrically it’s a boring declaration of love. It’s a mature grown-up boring kind of love, not the fun sexy kind of love.
I have this idea that every ‘N Sync album has to have a “wedding song” – a slow-dance declaration of love for the bride and groom to take their first steps as husband and wife. But this song makes me feel ill. It makes me not want to get married, ever, if that means avoiding ever having to hear this song again.
11. Just Don’t Tell Me That
In which ‘N Sync ain’t sayin’ she’s a golddigger.
Another Cheiron production, this time by songwriters Andreas, Kristian and Jack. “Just Don’t Tell Me That” works on the same theme as “Celebrity” – a fame-hungry, gold-digging girl is given her marching orders.
Predicting the popular rise of Playboy in the coming decade, the song opens with, “You’ve got to be seen at every party at the Playboy Mansion”. The girl is revealed to be camera whore, who enjoys the lifestyle to which ‘N Sync have treated her. But, of course, she’s a fake so she needs to hit the road.
This song is a bit of a litmus test for the listener. Either the girl thinks, “Well, I deserve the fancy car and to be seen on your arm at the VIP events, so if you can’t treat me right and give me what I need, then I will find someone who can, like Hef.” Or she thinks, “Yay! JC is ditching his no-good girlfriend. I am pure-hearted so now we can be together!”
But neither of these types have a place in the real world of ‘N Sync.
12. Something Like You
In which ‘N Sync pray just to make it today.
The second dud song is a Justin song, co-written with his old vocal coach Robin Wiley. But what makes it even worse – it features guest harmonica from Stevie Wonder. No! What? Stevie?! Yes, further evidence that everything Stevie Wonder has done since the ’80s has been a bit rubbish.
It’s not quite a wedding song, with the relationship in its early stages. It’s the blossoming of a serious, adult relationship. This is a song to be sung dressed in baggy white linen suits, seated on stools.
It’s the most religious song, with Justin’s prayers to “the Lord above” and asking, “Is this what God has meant for me?” The next step after this is not to get involved in some sweaty humping in a crowded night club. It’s to don a chastity ring and wait until marriage before doing anything else.
I also think songs like this exist to give the lads a bit of a breather during their hectic live shows. But for the listener, it’s much more enjoyable to skip to the next track.
13. That Girl (Will Never Be Mine)
In which ‘N Sync reach for the top.
The trio of Swedish power pop is rounded out with “That Girl (Will Never Be Mine)”, which was also the theme song of Lance and Joey’s romantic comedy movie “On The Line”, back when Lance was heterosexual.
Like other Cheiron productions, there’s a unified group vibe, Justin and JC’s lead vocals supported by the rest.
The song starts with a very brief burst of 1950s-style vocal harmony, before bursting into some fresh ’00s pop. The lyrics examine a case of unrequited love. Sometimes in the world of ‘N Sync a crush suggests it will lead to a lifetime of happiness, but in this case, it’s nothing put trouble.
The girl in question is some sort of celebrity, “tearing up the big screen”, but “she’s in a different league.” A reminder that while ‘N Sync are famous enough to write about the perils of fame, there are others who are more famous, who might sneer at these pop wannabes.
There is determination in the lyrics, “She will be mine!” I like to think this song is about Madonna, the culmination of which was the epic, next-level “4 Minutes“.
14. Falling
In which ‘N Sync let the short one have a go.
This song comes close to making it a trilogy of songs that I don’t like (it has a ‘truck driver’s gear change’ key change!), but there’s something strangely appealing about this cheesy ballad.
It’s the only song on the album written by ‘N Sync member Chris, who sings the high parts. It starts with some moody electric guitar, not unlike that of Bryan Adam’s “Run to You”, and expertly builds to a dramatic chorus. It feels like a really well constructed song. It’s nothing amazing, but has a nice comfortable feeling to it.
Like the Cheiron songs, “Falling” also feels like a good group song. ‘N Sync’s strength as a vocal harmony group is put to good use, with lush layers of harmony. And Chris has even thrown in a few high bits for himself.
If this was all ‘N Sync were capable of, they’d have been a perfectly adequate footnote in the history of late ’90s, early ’00s pop, but the fact that there are so many better song on the album make it just all that much more thrilling.
15. Do Your Thing
In which ‘N Sync are doing their thing and doing it well.
The album ends with a question: Are you doing your thing and doing it well? It’s a simple song about pursuing one’s goals, about staying focused on being the best.
If ‘N Sync were to ask themselves that question, the answer would be yes, and the song amply demonstrates their talent. But then where do you go? If all your dreams have come true, what is there left to achieve?
So it seems inevitable that ‘N Sync broke up. They could have easily made another album, but instead they took the hard road. Joey became a father, Lance came out, Chris went on a reality TV show, JC put out a bunchofkillersingles that didn’t get enough attention, and Justin had a very successfully solo career that he put on hold to move into the harder world of acting.
Are you doing your thing and doing it well? Yes? So then what? You move on to the next thing.
It’s June 2011. That means it’s the 15th anniversary of my website, or my ‘writing stuff and putting it online’ thing. I don’t have any record of the exact date because it didn’t occur to me that I should record it. I didn’t know that 15 years later, I was going to be here.
Five years ago, I celebrated 10 years with this post. Since then, I moved my website to WordPress and merged my LiveJournal posts with my old hand-coded HTML entries.
I also renamed my blog from Robyn’s Secret Passage to, well, I guess it’s just my name now. No one started an outraged Facebook group demanding I change it back. I am willing to offer my rebranding consultancy services to companies such as Infratil who recently renamed their Shell petrol stations to Z Energy.
I don’t want to reminisce about the olden days, so instead here’s a couple of short videos of me reminiscing about the olden days, made as part of the rather good Down To The Wire New Zealand internet history project. Here I talk about making my first website, and then I talk about my website, online journals and blogs before blogging.
Thinking about the “journal girls” who were doing cool stuff online back in the ’90s, it’s not surprising that they’re still doing cool stuff online. People like Jo, Annette, Jo Hubris, and Moira. Knowing a bit of HTML, knowing how to make a basic website – that’s skill that will take you far.
The web is a tool, and it is very much what you make it, whether you want to make some cash out of it, or whether you just want to put some stuff out there because you enjoy it.
So I thought I’d share some tips on how to make a blog for your personal writing that won’t drive you crazy or leave you consumed by a sense of failure and self-loathing.
Five ways to avoid being swallowed whole by your blog
1. Start now
You don’t need to have a theme or blogging software or a domain name or anything like that set up first. Just open a text editor (Notepad will do, but it’s nice to use something with a spellcheck) and start writing.
In fact, unless you’re writing about something that’s very time specific, keep on writing for a while before you first publish. Give yourself a chance to find your style, your voice. Once something has emerged, then you can get a blog set up to publish. But don’t take too long.
Taking time between writing and publishing is a good habit to keep. It’s not as much fun as the immediate buzz of write-publish-bam!, but I’m going to say it’s more rewarding in the long term to take your time.
2. The naming of blogs
I originally called my blog Robyn’s Page of Various Assorted Stuff because I couldn’t think of anything better. Better eventually came in the form of Robyn’s Secret Passage, but I eventually dropped it in favour of just using my name.
Some people have awesome names for their blogs, like Dan Slevin’s Funerals & Snakes. But don’t get hung up on finding the perfect blog name, and don’t let that stop you publishing. If all else fails, use your name.
But don’t even think about calling your blog something like “Ramblings of a [noun]“. Bloody hell. Have some self respect.
3. Own your old shit
There will come a time when you look back at the older stuff you’ve written (especially when it’s a few years old) and you will realise how awful it is. You might even want to delete it or mothball that blog and move onto a new one. Resist that urge; own your old shit.
No matter how embarrassing it might seem, it’s part of who you are. And give it a few years – it will improve with age and you’ll realise how much your blog has improved and what a cute dork you used to be.
4. The golden age of blogging is over (or is it?)
You’re definitely not going to be in it for the money, but you’re also not going to be in it for the page views.
My website doesn’t normally get tons of hits. The most popular thing I wrote this year was my report from Japan a few hours after the earthquake, but only because it was linked from the Guardian. And the second most popular page was my rundown of the royal wedding, which proved to me what women’s magazines have known for a very long time.
But while my blog doesn’t normally get an avalanche of regular readers, the ones who do visit like what I do and stick around. And I like them too. I think this is the long tail. It’s better here; less noisy.
5. Don’t stop
I have this blog project called It’s Been a While Since My Last Post. It’s a version of blogs that are hardly ever updated, and every post starts with an apology for not having updated much.
If you’re tempted to do that apology thing, just stop it. Some people update their blogs several times a day, but maybe your style is one update per month. Perhaps you’re a quarterly blogger. That’s ok.
If I’m really busy with other stuff or just feeling uninspired, I might not write anything for weeks. Other times I might feel well inspired (being unemployed is quite good for this) and have heaps of stuff ready to publish.
If you want to give your blog a rest and come back to it, that’s also cool. Maybe you have something really big and important to do, like moving to another city or having a baby, and you’ll need time to settle into your new life before you can get back into things. Your blog will be there waiting for you. It loves you.
Napier Prison most definitely wasn’t a tourist attraction back in 1973. Back then it was, well, the local prison, full of local criminals. But with the Hawke’s Bay Regional Prison opening in 1989, Napier Prison eventually closed soon after, before reopening in 2002 as a backpackers hostel.
The hostel facilities have now closed (well, it wouldn’t have been particularly pleasant staying there in winter), but both guided and audio tours are available in the old prison.
As it happens, I’ve been to a few old prisons around the world – the majestic ruins of Port Arthur in Tasmania, Old Melbourne Gaol’s anti-self-pleasure gloves and Ned Kelly death mask, and the tragic history of Kilmainham Gaol in Dublin. What penal delights would Napier Prison have for me?
From the outside, Napier Prison looks like a mighty prison indeed. A giant stone wall surrounds it, and from a distance it looked like it might be bluestone, but as I got closer I realised it was just dirty old stones. Nonetheless, it is an impressive stonework, and deserving of its heritage listing.
But inside the prison, the stonework ends. The prison buildings themselves are wood and concrete, looking more like a rundown school camp than a prison for ruthless criminal gangsta villains. I was almost expecting to be offered a watery mug of Milo.
As I wandered around the prison, going from location to location on the audio tour, I was followed around by Basil, the prison’s resident cat. Actually, he didn’t so much follow me as show me the way. I assume he’s so used to the path of the tour that he knows exactly where the humans will go. Aptly enough, there was a bowl of cat food waiting for Basil in the mess hall.
Basil led me into one of the old cell blocks. One cell had a collection of bed bases that had been doodled upon by various inmates, reinforcing the brand identity of their affiliated gangs. Since the prison closed, some of the former inmates have tried to retrieve their handiwork. I suppose some would like to show their grandchildren the really awesome likeness of the Zig-Zag man they did that time.
I noticed Basil duck off into another cell and so I followed him in there. There he was sitting next to a dead body – oh, wait – a mannequin made up to look like a dead body. It actually gave me a fright, but Basil was so nonchalant about the faux corpse, merrily licking his cat bits, that I couldn’t stay frightened for long.
There were plenty of spooky corridors, especially when the buildings are eerily quiet, not brightly lit and empty of other tourists in the early morning. But around a corner I found a most intriguing place.
In 2006, TVNZ screened a series called “Redemption Hill”, a cross between “Scared Straight” and “Maggie’s Garden Show”. A typical ’00s reality series, it took 10 troubled teens and sent them to old Napier prison where they were yelled at and given a group task of revamping a little corner garden.
So the “Redemption Hill” garden is still there. It’s cleverly designed to have lots of different visual features but with little needing mowing or weeding. A central pathway area is laid with paving stones, each hand decorated, no doubt by the troubled teens.
Five years on, the garden feels very much a product of the ’00s and slowly on its way to looking a bit naff (the way that things a few years out of fashion do). The little shrubs edging the pathway are starting to grow out a bit, but I guess the troubled teens aren’t around any more to maintain it. Wikipedia notes that two of the teens have since died in separate car crashes.
And from the Redemption Hill garden it was on to the small burial area and the hanging yard. And I was standing there listening to the tour commentary trying to strike a balance between ye-olde-comedy clanky-chains drama-voice prison tour and the reality that people were killed here and people are buried here.
It was an awkward tone to end on and I didn’t feel like standing around in the hanging yard, listening to the audio tour any longer. So I bid farewell to Basil the cat and made my way out.
Napier Prison feels quite low-key compared to the other old prison tours I’ve visited. Perhaps it’s because the prison was never very large or elaborate, and that it’s been out of use for less than 20 years. I’m sure there have been some fearsome inmates, but it’s hard to find it all that scary when there’s a peeling, crudely drawn mural depicting a topless wahine (Pania, perhaps) lazing about in the ocean.
I left the prison and realised I’d gone back to doing something Maurice had done – I admired “fine views of Hawke’s Bay from Bluff Hill”.
That’s what I like about using the Shell Guide to New Zealand – whether I follow it precisely or just let it generally guide me in particular direction, it always ends up an interesting experience. It’s an insight to the way things used to be and the way things are now. And a reminder that sometimes it’s just nice to have a little sit-down in a rose garden.
