Great radio

Waikato University’s student radio station Contact 88.1 FM (nee Contact 89 FM) is celebrating its 30th anniversary. Contact was a station that changed my life, and that got me thinking about my life of radio.

My earliest memory of radio is actually of television, not radio. It’s a Datsun ad on the telly in the late ’70s. But after that my earliest memory of radio is the National Programme (now Radio New Zealand National), which my mum always had on in the house.

There was the little silver radio with the brown leather case that sat on the kitchen windowsill, and the larger silver radio that sat on mum’s bedside table (the radio was on her side, Dad had the phone on his side).

I generally hated the National Programme. It was all talking, usually BBC comedy panel shows where people said things that weren’t funny but caused raucous laughter. What music was played seemed to be either classical pieces or bloody sea shanties.

I don’t know if it was the aged radios or the general quality of AM, but National always seemed to have an omnipresent dark drone to it, almost like a groan of annoyance at having to listen to the National Programme again.

Well, ok, there was the Sunday morning children’s show with the mellifluous tones of Dick Weir. I always remember feeling like those children’s stories on the radio sucked me in a little bit too much, like rather than just listening to the story, I was part of it. Books never took me that far, neither did TV.

Growing up in Hamilton, there was the local commercial AM station, 1ZH (now Classic Hits), which (as Wikipedia jogs my memory) was known as 1300 1ZH and also Hits and Memories 1ZH. Hits and Memories sounds like the biography of a boxer.

1ZH was cool, but it was also AM and therefore not totally cool. It would play all the songs that were in the charts, but it still had that slightly institutional Radio New Zealand feel to it.

What was cool was 89.8 FM (pronounced “eight ninety-eight”), later Kiwi FM (no relation to the current Kiwi FM; also, now ZM). 89.8 had Ronnie and Andrea in the mornings and they were all lively and energetic and cool and people would come to school talking about what they’d heard on the breakfast show that morning.

Except by the late ’80s, Hamilton’s radio stations weren’t playing the music I wanted to listen to. It was MOR pop and rock oriented, and I wanted to listen to that hip hop and house-influenced pop that was emerging at that time.

I discovered that if I put my little pink ghettoblaster on the top level of my bedroom shelves, at night I could tune into Auckland’s 91FM (now also ZM). While 89FM was the popular Auckland station, 91FM just seemed nicer.

Radio on shelf, I’d listen nightly to the Hot Nine at 9 show. The listener-decided countdown was just different to the music that Hamilton listeners requested.

When I was in the seventh form, I started listening to the aforementioned Contact FM. Someone at school told me they’d heard a hilarious rude parody of C+C Music Factory’s hit song “Gonna Make You Sweat”, so I’d tuned into Contact on the off chance that I might hear it.

I didn’t. But what I did hear was “Typical Male” by “radical activist recording and performing group” Consolidated. Sample lyrics: “The typical male thinks with his dick. That’s how he rationalises shallow sexual conquest as a means of self-expression and fulfillment in a world of alienation and emptiness under modern capitalism.” This is good to be exposed to when you’re 17.

Yeah, so Contact changed my life. But not through painfully right-on hip hop. It introduced me to music that I liked, that made sense to me. I’d left school and I was on the dole and I spent much of my weekly $110.69 payment on tapes (CDs cost about $10 more).

I ended up doing newsreading on Contact, which started out being fun but eventually got a bit boring. And, besides, I really hated having to get up early on my days.

Hamilton radio in the ’90s spawned the Edge and the Rock, both of which have gone on to dominate the respective pop and bogan corners of today’s radio market. Bloody hell.

When I moved to Auckland in 1997, I assumed that I would listen to 95bFM, but I found myself strangely taken in by the station The Dot 96.1. It had been set up in direct competition to alterno-lite station Channel Z. The Dot had no live DJs, just recorded announcements for songs, and claimed that the first 10,000 songs played were commercial free.

I think it was this minimalistic approach that appealed to me. In a way, it was a bit like listening to an iPod on shuffle. It didn’t pretend to be my friend, it just played music, and most of it was OK.

Strangely, though, when I think back to the sort of music The Dot played, it was stuff like Sugar Ray and Smash Mouth. Did I used to enjoy that? Or did it just not matter?

Near its end, The Dot had live DJs, including Jaquie Brown on the breakfast show. That didn’t quite have the same appeal to me, but I kept listening, anyway.

On 1 January 2000, after a night that ended on a tiresome, sad note, I was driving home, listening to The Dot. Slowly I realised that all I’d been listening to was R&B songs. Oh no – The Dot had changed formats. It was now an R&B station, no doubt trying to crush Mai FM, just as it had attempted to crush Channel Z.

Actually, let’s just skip back to late 1997. My friend Dylan had somehow found himself in the position of running an IRC channel during the Sunday night youth talkback show on Newstalk ZB. Dylz used to cart his PC into the office and have that set up, chatting with the handful of early adaptors who were also listening.

The highlight of the ZB experience was when the host, Timothy Giles, raced out, grabbed me by the hand, pulled me into the studio and said he had Bic Runga live in the studio. Because I have the improv skillz, I immediately did my best Bic Runga voice (nice, clear, a little nervous) and wished viewers a happy new year. I still don’t know what that was all about.

Then in 2000, Giles was over at Radio Pacific (now Radio Live) doing a Sunday afternoon show called Computer Chat, and Dylan was in the studio as a computer expert.

Somehow I ended up going from hanging out in the studio, writing show summaries, to actually being in the studio, making up advice for people with computer problems. Worst moment – when Dylz had a coughing fit, leaving me to help some codger with his printer. “You could try turning it on and off… and maybe contact the manufacturer?”

By the way, the worst thing about Radio Pacific was the constant interruptions for the live horse racing commentaries. We’re now going live to Addington to hear about some ponies running around in a circle.

In 2002 I bought a Japanese import car that could only pick up Newstalk ZB or Mai FM. I chose Mai, and with it entered the world of hip hop, R&B and the teen culture that goes along with it, which I’ve previously documented.

I was listening to so much Mai that I could recognise a partially disguised version of the 50 Cent Remix of Mr JT’s “Cry Me a River”. I became obsessed with Ja Rule. I would sing along with “I’m so sick of being lonely every night while my man goes out with his homies. I wanna know how it feels to be loved, be lo-uh-uh-oved.”

So when I crashed my car and sold it, I missed not having the Mai soundtrack in my life any more, but I soon got over it.

But since then, radio of the live tuned-in variety hasn’t been a big part of my life.

Sometimes I would listen to bFM on my tinny clock radio while I was straightening my hair, but I don’t even do that any more. I couldn’t even say what the Wellington radio scene is like (though Radio Active seems good).

But instead I consume radio content in podcast form. This year I’ve been listening to the 95bFM “Historical Society” series of interviews with past station staff, and I’m subscribed to various podcasts from stations like BBC, ABC and NPR, and – oh, have I just come full circle? – I listen to Radio New Zealand National online too.

There’s something intimate about good radio. I like it when it’s one voice – not a “morning madhouse” cacophony – someone who’ll talk to me and who I can listen to; to lie down or sit or walk to a voice who’ll guide me through thoughts, ideas or just a good song.

Nice suits

A few weeks ago I was at Hamilton Airport, waiting for my flight to Anywhere But Hamilton (a popular destination). I’d checked in and was waiting in the departure lounge, when I became aware of a vaguely familiar sounding song quietly playing on the airport’s PA.

I moved to a table directly under a speaker and listened. Soon the identity of the song became clear. It was “Break My Heart”, the 2001 single by En Masse.

Actually, saying “2001 single” is a bit deceptive because it implies that En Masse had singles in other years. And it implies they actually had other singles.

En Masse were an attempt at a New Zealand boyband. Eight years on they are almost ungoogable, so I’m going to have to rely on my memory.

The story goes something like this. A Christchurch businessman saw that overseas boybands such as Nsync, Backstreet Boys and Blue were rather popular, so he decided to make a local version. A group of five singers was recruited, the group formed, and they recorded “Break My Heart”. En Masse received a NZ On Air grant to make a music video, in the same funding round as “Sophie” by Goodshirt and “Bruce” by Rubicon, and the video was made.

It shows the boys dressed in nice suits (a quality product; not street), mooching around a palatial house, singing the song, while a pretty blonde woman goes about her business, oblivious to them, eventually driving off with an older white guy. The group looks tense and nervous in the video. And one of them is cross-eyed. And they can’t dance.

enmasse

At the time “Break My Heart” was released, I’d returned to New Zealand after spending some time in Melbourne. I was staying at my parents’ place and spent most of my days sitting on the couch watching music videos on Juice TV. Juice always had slightly strange playlists that didn’t necessarily reflect what was popular. Somehow “Break My Heart” had ended up as a high-rotate video, so I watched it far too many times.

When you compare “Break My Heart” with the stuff that was actually popular back then – songs like Kylie’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”, Alicia Keys’ “Fallin’”, Blue’s “All Rise” and Afroman’s #1 hit “Because I Got High” – it’s obvious that “Break My Heart” never stood a chance.

By then the boyband phenomena had just past its peak. Nsync was soon to fracture into parts, Backstreet Boys took a hiatus but were never able to return to their former glory, and Blue also split.

And then there’s the New Zealand issue. For some reason – and I’ve been pondering this for years – New Zealanders don’t like New Zealand singers who don’t sing their own songs. We’re perfectly happy to love the Spice Girls or Westlife, but when it comes to local bands, our standards turn to those of a naive teenager. Somehow it’s not proper music unless it’s written by the person who sings it, no matter how good their voice and performance is.

If you want to see something that’s a little bit heartbreaking, watch this promo video about En Masse. The five band members and their management all talk about the future with such hope – they’re really going to be the first New Zealand boyband to be successful in Asia, Europe and America.

Back in Hamilton Airport, I’ve just had my boarding call (thank God) and “Break My Heart” is nearing its, end with the chorus repeated far too many times.

I wonder how the song came to be on the airport’s playlist of innocuous music. Perhaps it was just a result of some bulk music licensing deal. Perhaps it’s part of the general Faustian pact that Hamilton seem to have been built on. Or perhaps someone at Hamilton Airport is the one remaining En Masse fan in the world.

Swine cold

Or: Blame it on the bogies

Work had been hectic so I’d decided to take a week’s leave, with plans to spend a few days relaxing in Napier. Accommodation and travel were booked and I was all ready to go away for a lovely seaside holiday on Monday.

Then I got a sore throat.

But sore throats, they’re nothing really. All you need is some Strepsils and they’ll clear up, right? Except it didn’t clear up, and I just ended up feeling worse and worse. It was the penultimate day before my holiday started and I realised I wouldn’t be able to go to work the next day.

So I spent that Friday in bed, in a weird mix of blowing my nose, sending a million emails to work with “what to do when I’m away on holiday next week” instructions, and dealing with the news that – WTF – Michael Jackson was dead. Jesus, Michael Jackson, you think you could have picked a better day for it?

I was still optimistic that I’d have my seaside holiday. All I needed was a couple of day’s rest, right?

But Sunday evening came along and I wasn’t any better. I was lying in bed surrounded by a mountain of tissues, feeling awful, and coming to the realisation that I was in no fit state to travel. And even if I could teleport to Napier, the seaside holiday could only involve lying in bed, blowing my nose.

Twitter transcripts show I was falling into a pit of despair:

@robyngallagher Sick and now miserable for bonus emo action! Will I be well enough to go away on holiday tomorrow? Respiratory system says no.
9:06 PM Jun 28th from web

But while looking at a list of symptoms of swine flu, I noticed that depression was a possibility. I figured the same probably applied to whatever was ailing me. Which made me feel better, as it made me feel worse.

My bedridden days were occupied by going through my League of Gentlemen DVDs, including the commentary tracks and special features. Then the gods of television gifted me the first couple of episodes of of “Psychoville”, the new series by Reece and Steve of the League (clowns, dwarfs, eBay). I rounded this out with the latest series of UK Big Brother (Russian ladyman, lovesick Indian, furry-hatted toff). It made up for the human interaction I’d been missing.

Slowly, as the week passed, I began to feel more human. I set myself small daily tasks – walking down to the shops, seeing a movie. I found myself seeing “The Hangover” in a cinema full of other coughing, spluttering people; my people.

Finally I went to the doctor and he said I had a viral respiratory infection, but probably not swine flu. OK, so we call this a swine cold. I was prescribed some bad-ass cough syrup with morphine in in. Aw yeah.

I’m now at the stage where I can keep the runny nose and the cough under control with the help of the coff-b-gone and some nasal spray. But venturing out into the outside world is still a bit weird.

Walking along Cuba Mall today, it felt like I was one of the few the survivors of an apocalyptic virus, returning to the society where nothing would ever be the same. The streets, oh, they were cold and empty. I returned to the comfort of my bed, and blamed it on the opiates.

My holiday has been postponed.

Every day is like Easter Sunday

I was thinking about Easter Sunday, and how most of the shops are shut and there’s nothing much to do. And I wondered what I’d done on previous Easter Sundays.

So invoking the Official Information Act, I pulled out my box of old diaries from under my bed and googled them with my eyes, to bring you this exclusive report, starting in 1992 when I was 18:

Things I have done on previous Easter Sundays

1992: Crank-called that lady with the eyebrows; went to Auckland Zoo.

1993: Totally sick of my parents treating me like a child! Watched “Clue” on video.

1994: Felt a bit sick.

1995: Drove back from Lang’s Beach. Watched “Say Anything” on video.

1996: Vowed to save logs from IRC to create a “cyber My Secret Garden”.

1997: Saw “Jerry Maguire” at the movies. Thought it was ok but not as great as the hype suggested.

1998: Hung out with a fellow sporting George Michael facial hair (gay!), listened to Gene Pitney (gay!) and the Verlaines (not gay).

1999: Ate burgers at Milford Beach with a nice boy.

2000: Slept for most of the day. Wondered what hot yoghurt would taste like.

2001: Had a really bad bagel.

2002: Wondered if it was ethical to only hang out with someone when he was drunk because he was more fun drunk than when he was sober; embroidered.

2003: Read Andrew Dean’s review of the previous night’s Sly and Robbie concert – like a 2 1/2 hour blowjob, he reckoned.

2004: Was plagued by sneezing, but couldn’t get any antihistamines or aloe vera tissues as the shops were shut.

2005: Saw “I Heart Huckerbees”. Liked that bit in the mud with Schwartzman.

2006: Came up with a concept for a television programme: Bargain Cunt, where wankers buy second homes, building their cunting property investment portfolios. Discovered someone else had already thought of it, sans swearing.

2007: Thought I’d discovered a fixed outcome of a popular reality TV show, only to discover it was just a dummy script.

2008: Did some packing. Took my postcards down from the lounge room wall.

2009: Watched the Doctor Who special. Noted that Wellington on Easter Sunday felt like Hamilton on any Sunday in the ’80s. Wanted to watch “Say Anything” but the iTunes Store didn’t have it, so I watched “Tropic Thunder” instead.

The only conclusion I can make from the above is that Easter Sunday brings out an urge in me to watch Cameron Crowe films.

25 things

It’s that “25 things about me” list. Back in the olden days, the days of LiveJournal, these used to go around all the time and I’d never do them. But now it’s on Facebook, which is social media and cool, etc, so I’ll do it too.

Incidentally, this has taken me over six hours to write.

1. I can write backwards almost as well as I can forwards. I taught myself how to do it when I was 20, after seeing “The Last Seduction” and being impressed that the main character could do it (among other things).

2. Auckland suburbs I lived in, in chronological order: Parnell, Grey Lynn, Mt Eden, Newton, Mt Eden, St Mary’s Bay, before finally settling (ha!) in Mt Eden. All are within 5km of the city centre. I like to be within walking distance of the city and not reliant on a car.

3. My mother’s mother’s side of the family was dead posh Devonport stock, but my morphine addict great-grandpappy ended up drinking away the family fortune.

4. The first boy I had a crush on was Adam Ant, circa “Goody Two Shoes“. Sadly it didn’t work out – I was 8, he was 20 years older than me, lived in England and didn’t know I existed. I grew up disappointed at most men’s refusal to wear eyeliner.

5. I don’t like beaches. This probably makes me a bad New Zealander. It’s mainly the sand, but also the wind. Sand is, as a wise man once said, just dirt with better PR.

6. I grew up in a rural area on a “lifestyle” section. I don’t know what kind of lifestyle it was supposed to be – all I remember was feeling oppressed by its emptiness, and having an eternal longing to live in a city. I didn’t want a pony; I wanted concrete and public transport and people.

7. I’ve always like the culture of writing and photography around surfer and skater culture, even though I’m a complete outsider to surfing and skating. Dude.

8. I’ve never really had a nickname, possibly because Robyn is itself a diminutive of Robert (ugh!). But someone once called me Bob Marley, which was funny in a not-actually-funny kind of way.

9. If I travel overseas, I want to explore. I could never be satisfied relaxing by a hotel pool.

10. I received news of the 9/11 attacks on 11 September as I was in Melbourne. I was in bed, reading David Sedaris’s book “Me Talk Pretty One Day”, and was actually more interested in reading that than hearing about, woteva, some guy who’d flown a plane into a building.

11. I am a published poet, though under a pseudonym. I have also performed poetry in Newcastle, Australia, and spoken word in Melbourne. I am evidently depriving New Zealand audiences of my talent.

12. I really like living in Wellington. It feels like I am actively living here, rather than it just being where I happen to reside. I should also note that my 11 years in Auckland were splendid, but in a different way.

13. I’m a bit superstitious, which annoys me.

14. Best present – the Walkman I got for my 11th birthday. Suddenly music became more complex, lyrics clearer and so much more enjoyable. I eventually moved on to a CD Walkman, then an iPod. It’s portable pleasure.

15. The first building that thrilled me was the Beehive. On a family holiday in Paraparaumu in 1983, we got the train to Wellington. Straight out of the train station, I looked up and saw the Beehive and I got chills – moderne classical brutalist chills.

16. I left Hamilton in 1997 after I realised I just didn’t want to live there any longer. The last straw was when I was walking home along Clyde Street and someone in a car threw the slushy remains of a McDonald’s Coke at me. That did it.

17. I have Trinity College London’s level eight certificate in choral speaking. This consisted of performing an abridged version of Janet Frame’s short story “The Reservoir” (without the bit about condoms) and Keith Thorsen’s poem “Chit Chat“… for what good it did me.

18. I once lived on Karangahape Road. One night when I was walking home, a crusty old drunk asked me if I’d have sex with him for money. I got a bit depressed, thinking “Is that really the kind of clientele I’d attract if I were a ho?” Cos, you know, I’d always envisioned myself as one of those high-class prostitute types.

19. I’ve been thanked in the acknowledgements for a book that won a Montana Book Award, after lending the author my MC OJ and the Rhythm Slave CD. Though the book I was thanked in wasn’t the book I helped with, because the author forgot.

20. When I was in Paris, I chose to visit Disneyland over Notre Dame. I threw a euro coin into Skull Rock Cove and wished for a messy, complicated love.

21. Growing up in Hamilton in the ’80s, my two favourite weekend outings were visiting the Building Centre – especially for the fountain of taps, the insulation demonstration and the Fanta machine – and going to the liquor store with Dad. Again, I stress “Hamilton” and “’80s”.

22. Someone once described me as screwball. Initially I resisted the label, but then I realised I wouldn’t be resisting it if it wasn’t true.

23. I’ve only wanted to be married at one point in my life: in 1998 I decided it would be good to be married so if a fellow hit on me, I could get all outraged and say, “Excuse me, but I am a happily married woman!” Otherwise, (conventional) marriage doesn’t appeal because it would involve me being a wife.

24. I’ve been to one polytech and two universities, but I never got around to completing any degrees. I have, however, had some of my writing used as course reading for a first-year English paper at the University of Auckland. I’m going to hold out for an honorary degree.

25. I’m a great believer in self-mythology and the ability to alter the past, present or future simply by writing down how you remember your story.