Category Archives: Music

The Joy of Jedward

Posted on by
2

I’m currently obsessed with Jedward, aka John and Edward Grimes, the Irish twin bro pop duo. I don’t think they’re particularly well known in New Zealand, so here’s their basic story:

They auditioned for the UK “X Factor” show in 2009, age 17. They weren’t very good singers, but the judges saw a certain spunk in them and somehow they ended up in the final 12 and made it to week seven before being voted out. The highlight was their highly entertaining version of Britney Spears’ “Oops!… I Did it Again”, complete with the “Titanic”-inspired dialogue.

Post “X Factor”, they toured, released an album of covers and had a couple of hit singles. In May they represented Ireland at Eurovision with their first original song “Lipstick”. They came a very respectable eigth place, but – more importantly – had won the hearts of teen girls all over Europe.

A second album followed – this time with all original songs. In August they appeared on UK Celebrity Big Brother, and seemed to be the only housemates who were always having a good time instead of lying around smoking, moaning, paranoid.

So with this in mind, I present ten things I like about Jedward.

Note: I’ve included lots of links to videos. While they’re not terribly explicit, a couple are probably on the NSFW border. But if you do have the sort of workplace where you can watch saucy YouTube videos, call me.

1. Planet Jedward

One of the best moves – and I think this came from their management – was the concept of Planet Jedward. It’s the world that John and Edward live in, and it’s a joyous world.

Their music is full of up. Their Eurovision performance is packed with energy and exuberance, but yet everything they do is like this. There is no off switch. There is no “being on” for the crowds. Why walk when you can cartwheel?

And on Planet Jedward, the fellows are resiliant. They go with the flow, expertly absorbing all criticism and owning it. An example from their recent, hilarious stint on UK Celebrity Big Brother – after failing to clean up the kitchen after being instructed to do so by Big Brother (they slid around in olive oil instead), they were punished by having to dress up like babies, which they actually relished. Goo-goo ga-ga.

2. Twins

As it happens, I’m fans of another couple of musical twins – the Jarman brothers of the Cribs and the Deal sisters of the Breeders. But where Ryan and Gary and Kim and Kelley are very much their own person, the distinction between the Grimes brothers is initially less clear.

They dress identically, have the same haircut, usually styled in the same way, and at first glance, they can be pretty much indisguishable from one another.

But stick around long enough and the differences become clearer. John has a huskier voice. He’s slightly more aggressive. Edward has a softer voice and is more artistic. And they do look different from each other. The consensus amongst Jedicated fans is that John is the sexy one and Edward is the cute one.

And their twinness means they’re always playing off one another, their mutual company giving them endless excuses to muck around in the way that not many people can do on their own or even with a friend.

But the best thing – there’s two of them!

3. Rapscallions

John and Edward are restless. When they’re interviewed, they talk over the top of each other, interrupting and branching off on the craziest tangents (which actually start to make sense when you’ve lived on Planet Jedward a while). It’s not uncommon for even expert interviewers to find themselves trapped in the vortex of chatter, but the best interviewers just accept that things are different on Planet Jedward. When they’re in full Jedward mode, they are joy. Here’s a brilliant interview with Alan Carr.

The energy continues when John and Edward are alone. They make lots of little videos mucking around in hotel rooms and/or involving water (the magic of wetness!). The piece de resistance is this video which involves four minutes and 22 seconds of such activities as discussion of Emma Watson’s hair, lipsynching to Avril Lavigne’s “What the Hell”, toothbrushing, pillow-fighting, shower-dancing, and bed-jumping.

4. Sex and Sexuality

Officially John and Edward like girls, but they don’t have girlfriends because it’s hard to have a girlfriend when you’re famous. There are gay rumours, but pretty much every young-dude pop singer gets that, and some even play up to it.

The pair are famously virgins, doing an Irish-Catholic version of the Jonas Brothers’ vow of abstinence. But, you know, they’re 19-year-old guys.

Jedward’s audiences are tween and teen girls and adults, so they cleverly tread a fine line between the two audiences, both innocent and sexual; not a boy, not yet a man. In one of their YouTube clips, Edward rides a toy car, and it’s really cute. Then he looks at the camera and says, “Wanna beep my horn? You wanna beep it?” Judging by the dozens of comments, the majority of Jedward fans would very much like to beep Edward’s horn.

John and Edward have a certain kind of androgyny. They’re both beautiful boys, and that’s a look that’s always worked well in pop. The lads seem simultaenously bisexual and asexual, but are maybe more accurately Jedsexual. They can play up to the “Hey, girl/boy, maybe I can be your boyfriend” fantasy, without actually having to go there. Their total lack of self-consciousness and certain naivety means they brilliantly get away with doing heaps of cool stuff that would normally come across as really really gay. There’s no attempt to lad them up to not appear too camp. They can even pose for a devastatingly hot photo shoot for GayTimes magazine, without even having to worry about alienating their girl fans.

But even if there were some solid evidence that the pair were “straight” and/or “gay”, that still wouldn’t suddenly clear everything up. They’re still living on Planet Jedward, were sexuality doesn’t matter. It’s quite nice there.

And then there’s this clip, a fan-made compilation of all the seductive glances and pouts from YouTube, spliced together with a filthy club soundtrack. Either way, the pair have got something that people dream of.

5. Irishness

The brothers are Irish, and largely speak with Irish accents with a slight American tinge. It’s not a full-on American accent, but just a few vowels show up that aren’t Irish. And they’ll talk about their “mom”, even though they still call her Mammy.

But I think back to when I was 11 and used to do reenactments of “Entertainment This Week” with my school friends, complete with bad American accents because it sounded cool. And my inner monologue is usually American accented (or Estuary English).

When most Irish musisicians who break into the mainstream do so with a really big “I’M IRISH” flavour to their music, it’s refreshing when someone comes along who’s willing to acknowledge they’ve grown up immersed in American pop culture in suburban Dublin and not in an enchanted glade where the little people dance.

6. Pale

The lads have pale Irish skin – like me! And right from the get-go, manager Louis Walsh advised them to stay away from the spray tan. Fake tans are high maintenance and never quite look natural – especially on pale skin.

This makes me really happy, because over the years, I’ve had pressure from people to not have pale skin. Like there was somehow something wrong with me for not being tanned. I spent too many years as a teen attempting to tan, before I realised it was something I just couldn’t do. All-over pale is much easier. Girls Aloud popstress Nicola Roberts has taken a similar stance, celebrating the beauty of natural pale.

There’s an idea that tanned skin looks better on camera (I used to work on a TV show that had its presenters get regular spray tans), but yet the magic of natural skintones is whenever John and Edward stand next to someone with a spray tan, the other person looks orange.

But it’s not just about skin tone. It’s about, you know, being proud of who you are and what you’ve got. And, frankly, this means more to me than any no-sex/no-drugs stance.

7. Talent

Some people wail, “Jedward can’t siiiing!” And, well, when they were on “X Factor”, they were definitely the weakest singers. But as “X Factor” progressed, and indeed beyond it, their singing technique improved, but mainly through repetition and rehearsal. With a scarily punk attitude, they refuse to formally improve their craft.

On their albums, their vocals are polished, autotuned, but no one’s pretending that’s how they sing all the time. The lads regularly post roughly recorded videos to YouTube of them energetically, sweetly singing their own songs and their favourite pop tunes. Their strengths and weaknesses are laid bare – and their fans love them for it.

But John and Edward’s talent – their skills that pay the bills – isn’t just singing. They’re very entertaining, with genuine stage presence and that elusive, er, X-factor that can’t be learnt.

They also have a remarkable talent as models. As well as both being absolutely beautiful (and this is a large part of their pop appeal), they can channel the malarky into suave, and actually do Blue Steel without forcing a duckface. And they can pretty much look good in anything, which is a skill that few people have.

In the UK and Ireland, the duo have a number of television projects too. And even if the whole pop star thing doesn’t work out – most pop groups get about three years of massive success, if they’re lucky – they’ve got enough going for them to stay afloat in other fields for years.

8. Fame

“Never heard of them,” the old person cries. “They’re just famous for being famous.”

Except there is no such thing as ‘famous for being famous’. Everyone who is famous is so for a specific feat, talent or skill. It’s just that some of these talents are things that many people don’t necessarily value in others (but would like to have themself), like being attractive, living a fabulous life, or just being a really interesting person.

The Grimes brothers have always wanted to be famous (though on their own terms), even practising signing autographs, perfecting their pop star signature. There’s a remarkable clip of the pair performing the Backstreet Boys’ song “I Want it That Way” at a high school talent show. Their voices are wobbly, they get the lyrics messed up, but by the end of it, the teen girls in the audience are screaming with delight.

Hey, if you can make a hall full of girls scream, why not pursue that as a career? Singing and stage craft can always be improved.

9. Albums

Jedward have released two albums. The first, “Planet Jedward”, was their post-”X-Factor” recording, consisting purely of cover versions. There are moments of pop magic, but generally it’s not so remarkable. The production particularly disguises their individuality, but full points to the person who sneakily decided to start the cover of “Teenage Kicks” with the opening riff from “Pretty Vacant”. Oh, yeah, and they also manage to sing the “Give no head, no backstage passes” line from “Rock DJ” without it sounding like it’s about blowjobs, and yet also exactly about that.

The pair’s second album, “Victory”, is a million times better. They have good songwriters on board, and good production that brings out John and Edward’s different voices. The album is full of pop gems. It reminds me of being 12, and how a good pop song can make you feel like everything is wonderful.

Four songs on “Victory” deal with themes of love and fame, both from the perspective of being a fan of a celebrity, and also falling in love with a civilian. The brothers’ number one crush is Britney Spears, so I figure she’s a inspiration behind all of these tunes.

But the songs I like are the sexxxier tunes with killer choruses like “DISTortion“, upcoming single “Wow Oh Wow“, the horribly named but totally brilliant “Techno Girl” and the sheer genius of “Pop Rocket“, a song that is either about sex or music, depending on what takes your fancy.

“Victory” reminds me of the joy of pop, albums with photos of the artist on the cover, that are structured around singles, and have filler tracks.

10. Social Media

I recently attended a mini music conference called Going Global, where music industry people from overseas gave New Zealand musicians advice on getting bigger. One thing that kept coming up was the need to engage with fans via social media, and examples were given of various buzz bands who do relevant tweets. Apparently some musicians are reluctant to do social media; they want to focus on their art and not have to interact with their audiences, dammit.

Well, this is what Jedward do. They have a Twitter account, @planetjedward. They mention their Twitter account in virtually all interviews they do, even on media like the BBC that doesn’t really approve of plugging. On Twitter, they post updates from their travels, photos, news and make brilliant tweets like this:

@planetjedward
Hi, we are Jedward. We can make your girlfriend scream louder than anyone can just by hitting her follow button on Twitter

That’s true, you know.

John and Edward will spend an hour doing an entertaining live broadcast showing them opening fan mail, lipsyncing or seeing how many pieces of chewing gum they can stuff in their mouth. There’s no manager standing over their shoulder telling them what to do or say or to call it a night. It feels like they have a genuine connection with their fans, and really enjoy doing stuff for them and with them.

This is the really great bit: when the lads reach milestones in Twitter followers, they post videos to celebrate and reward. The 200,000 follower mark got a video of Edward frolicking in the ocean, while 300,000 followers got the bros dancing to their song “Pop Rocket”… in their underwear. OMJ! They’ve recently hit 400,000 and the fandom is buzzing with anticipation as to what that video will be.

See, beardy indie bands. That’s how you do social media.

So, I celebrate the joy of Jedward. Two dudes working hard, making money, having a ton of fun along the way, and making the girls scream.

‘N Sync’s “Celebrity” – 10 years later

Posted on by
2

Hey, you!

What, me?

Yeah, I’m talking to you, sassy girl.”

*blushes*

Need a little achh! in your step? Try this on for size. It’s Pop and it tastes great and it makes you feel kinda funny. Not here [points to head], not down there [points downwards], but all up in this area [gestures to the general chest region]. And coming July 24th 2001, Jumbo Pop!

That’s the intro of ‘N Sync’s “Pop” video, where a Max Headroom-esque Justin Timberlake suddenly appears on the flatscreen TV in a cereal-eating sassy girl’s living room. The Pop in question is an orange fizzy beverage presented in a round-bottom flask. But the pop is also the music on ‘N Sync’s third and final studio album “Celebrity” which was indeed released on Tuesday 24 July 2001.

It went five times platinum in the US. That sounds impressive, but ‘N Sync’s previous album “No Strings Attached” went 11x platinum, and their debut album (which wasn’t even all that good) went 10x platinum.

But it sales aside, it’s a good place to draw a line. It was released only a few months before 9/11, and it also seemed to represent the last gasp of the millennium giddiness, before we all had to settle down and get a bit serious for the next decade. How did this final album of Justin, JC, Joey, Lance and Chris hold up over the passing decade?

And “Celebrity” is one of my fave albums, and it got my through some tough times, man. So as it’s the 10th anniversary of the album, I though it was about time to look back and do a track-by-track.

1. Pop

In which ‘N Sync want some respect.

First, it’s not just pop, it’s dirty pop. ‘N Sync are quick to establish that they aren’t the squeaky clean teen pop idols of 1998. They’re not talking the NKOTB route and dressing up in leather, trying to pretend they’re street hoodlums. No, ‘N Sync still fully own that they are a vocal harmony band with fresh dance moves. But they’d just like a little respect, ok?

The chorus triumphantly unites:

Do you ever wonder why this music gets you high?
It takes you on a ride.
You feel it when your body starts to rock, and, baby, you can’t stop.
When the music’s all you got, this must be pop.

That’s what it is. When you listen to pop because a good pop song feels good. It is better than sex, better than drugs and better than rock ‘n’ roll.

But then the song hits the breaks and Justin says, “Man, I’m tired of singing.” This was originally just the intro for – gasp – Justin’s beatbox solo, but now it takes on another meaning. Because Justin is tired of singing. His last solo album was released in 2006, and he’s now moved on to acting.

If you want to look for other signs of impending doom, they’re there. “The thing you got to realise, what we’re doing is not a trend. We got the gift of melody, we’re gonna bring it till the end.” No, Justin, what you were doing was just a trend. Though it is true that ‘N Sync brought it till the end. “Celebrity” had only a couple of dud tracks, and is a fine album to unintentionally go out with.

And then there’s the other sign of doom – it’s a Justin and JC sung track, written by Justin and his Australian choreographer. It’s produced to let Justin and JC’s voices stand out, with the rest of the group sounding more like session singers brought in for a few oohs.

But here’s the thing, despite all that has happened since, it’s still a great pop track. It’s danceable and uplifting and full of slices of club music and other bits of the late ’90s that didn’t usually make it to the top of the charts. And it’s a great opening track for the album.

2. Celebrity

In which ‘N Sync grow weary of this world.

“Write what you know,” they say. So Robyn writes about ‘N Sync and ‘N Sync write about being celebrities.

It’s hard out there when you’re a famous pop star and your girlfriend isn’t. Although, it’s a Justin-penned track and at the time he was very famously in relationship with Britney Spears, who enjoyed equal levels of celebrity to her fellow ex-Mouseketeer.

If I wasn’t a celebrity would you be so nice to me?
If I didn’t have cheese, like, every day, would you still wanna be with me?

The first time I heard this song, I didn’t know that cheese was slang for money, so I imagined ‘N Sync were talking about actual cheese. I imagine Lance frolicking with a giant wheel of gouda, when suddenly hordes of screaming teens run after him, making him frantically roll the cheese wheel down the street to make getaway.

Like in “Pop”, Justin takes the first verse and JC takes the second one. But JC gets the best bit – “See, it would be different if you had something, maybe like a J-O-B”. Only the “J-O-B” bit is sung a cappella with the full group harmonising on it. Because that is their J-O-B.

The song sounds quite bitter, with the protagonist vowing to leave Ms Golddigger and find someone who will “love me for me”. The song is a little bit of a middle finger to all of ‘N Sync’s nutso fans, who blindly vow their love for the band, but it also reveals a weak point of self-esteem among the lads. What if the girl answered, “Yes, I’d still want to be with you because you’re not a horrible person and I enjoy being with you”?

3. The Game Is Over

In which ‘N Sync do not achieve the high score.

“The Game Is Over” is a JC song, so he also gets to sing lead vocal first. But that’s not the best thing. The song is super cool because it samples bits of the Pacman theme. It’s chipcore years before all the cool kids were into it. (But, ok, Yellow Magic Orchestra fully got there first back in 1978 with “Computer Games“.)

And the video game samples are effective. ‘N Sync are the generation who grew up playing spacies. It makes perfect sense to extend the “game over” of a false-hearted lover’s betrayal into the same sense of loss one feels when the ghosts get Pacman.

“The Game Is Over” also works as a counterpoint to JC’s other technology-themed song “Digital Getdown” from ‘N Sync’s previous album “No Strings Attached”. “Digital Get Down” was a celebration of cyber sex, which was a fairly awesome thing for a pop group to be singing about in 2000.

But “The Game Is Over” is angry. “How could you think that you could do me like that,” JC spits, and his posse is right behind him. “You played yourself!”

If one wants to get Freudian here, one can look at the sexual parallels of the coin in the video game slot. In ‘N Sync’s live tour, they dressed up Tron-style versus an army of fembot types. But in reality, it’s more about a lone dude in a T-shirt and Levis, angrily battling away at a video game cos he’s just found out his girlfriend’s been rooting around.

4. Girlfriend

In which ‘N Sync try to peer pressure you in to being their girlfriend.

Why don’t you be my girlfriend?
I’ll treat you good.
I know you hear your friends when they say you should.

Every girl wants to be wanted, and this song is the voice of a guy who wants a girl. Let’s take a moment to luxuriate in the fantasy of “Girlfriend”. Let’s say you’re a girl and you have a crush on Justin or JC (or Joey, Chris or even Lance). You know realistically there’s no way that Mr Timberlake will be your boyfriend, but maybe if you got to meet him backstage at an ‘N Sync concert you could convince him.

“Girlfriend” turns it around. Rather than you having to seduce/beguile/drug your favourite ‘N Sync into loving you, there he is trying to convince you to be his girlfriend with song.

The song is written by the Neptunes, with plenty of their trademark staccato sound. Kids, that was back when the Neptunes wrote and produced songs, rather than Pharrell making Qream, that weird low-calorie cream liqueur for the ladies.

There’s a slightly sexed-up remix of the song, with Nelly showing up for a guest rap. That and the video (gangs, drag races, go Greased Lightning) show that ‘N Sync were continuing with the slightly toughed-up image.

“Girlfriend” was their final single off “Celebrity”, and it was the first single released after 9/11, five months after the event. It makes sense that in the confused post-9/11 world, they’d want to harden up a little.

But sometimes you just want a boy to want you to be his girlfriend.

5. The Two of Us

In which ‘N Sync just can’t get you out of their head.

Romantic obsession, it’s quite fun, yeah? The song starts with some sweet harpsichord-style keyboard, not unlike that of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”, before stuttering to life with some tasty beats.

The song treads a fine line between the romantic and the sexual. The song works as the story of a man waiting for his new girlfriend to come home so they can stay up late watching DVDs and eating chips or he’s waiting for his girl to come home to they can have sex all night long.

“I always wanted to tell you,” Justin sings, “but I was so afraid.” Now he’s made that big step, he’s confessed his feelings and now things are going to get better.

But there’s a little self doubt. “Baby, I wonder if you feel the same as I do.” In the back of his mind, there’s the very real possibility that the girl might not be as into him as he’s into her. She might just be using him for sex. Or chips.

But there is hope in my heart. I think the girl will be into him and will want to do more than just watch DVDs.

6. Gone

In which ‘N Sync struggle with loss.

Was this song, the second single off “Celebrity”, the straw that broke the ‘N Sync camel’s back? (And is there a Backstreet Boys dromedary?) Written by Justin and his Australian choreographer, and with Justin on all the lead vocals, it might as well have been credited to “Justin Timberlake and the ‘N Syncs”.

It’s a sad song, chronicling the aching loss that comes with a breakup. Following the two previous tracks at the hopeful beginning stages of a relationship, the sting of “Gone” is even stronger.

With the girl out of his life, what does Justin miss? “I’ve drove myself insane wishing I could touch your face, but the truth remains – you’re gone”. It’s simple, tender and the lack of face-touching, it hurts so much.

The song functions as a showcase for Justin. As well as the getting all the lead vocals, the song also affords him a bare a cappella break down, just to prove he’s got the skills that pay the bills. This is what it sounds like when a boyband splinters, when a guy goes solo.

And so the song takes on a double meaning. Now it’s not just about a guy missing his girlfriend. Justin is singing the loss that his group will soon feel when he sidesteps away from them, and the group’s theoretical hiatus becomes a permanent breakup.

7. Tell Me, Tell Me…Baby

In which the big guns are brought out.

The Swedes are back. There’s always a moment of tension when one hears that a pop artist has started writing their own songs. Sometimes it works, other times it’s terrible. In the case of ‘N Sync, the songs co-written by Justin and JC were perfectly good pop songs, but it took the Swedish pop production house of Cheiron to really bring the power pop. On this song, it’s Max and Rami from Cheiron.

The first sign that something great is happening is the ellipses in the song title. You know what other song used that? “…Baby One More Time” is what.

The song starts with perfectly adequate beats and “oh ohs”, before one of the ‘N Syncs stops things and says, “Hold it, can we back it up just a little bit?” The song rewinds and starts over with a sonic explosion of shattering glass and snippets of Cheiron’s previous hits with ‘N Sync. Take that, Justin and his choreographer!

The song also features that hallmark of the Cheiron/Jive Records oeuvre – the pronunciation of ‘me’ as ‘maaayyee”, which nicely rhymes with ‘baby’.

Like “Gone”, it’s a cry for a relationship that’s fallen apart. But unlike “Gone”, there’s hope that things can be mended. It’s more of a group song, with a united boyband sound. It’s the hope that ‘N Sync can stay together, forever. Maybe they just need Cheiron to work some more magic.

At this point I was going to come to the defence of professional songwriters and pop production houses. But if it’s not Cheiron (which closed in 2001), it’s Tamla Motown or the Brill Building. And it’s the same old criticism that come up again and again, only to go away when the songs are a few decades old and are recognised as gems. Really, if a single sounds amazing, why is it a bad thing that the person who wrote it is different to the person who sings it?

8. Up Against the Wall

In which ‘N Sync enjoy a good humping.

I love this song because it’s about humping. It’s a collaboration between Justin and JC (hot), and is self-consciously full of two-step beats. Yeah, take that, Craig David.

She took my hand.
We never said a word at all.
We starting grinding.
Shorty had me up against the wall.

You could choose to think of it as a dance style like jacking or daggering, but there’s also the possibility that it’s just about an attractive young couple, high on who knows what, who’ve spotted each other across a crowded room but just don’t have time to deal with the hassle of removing clothes.

The action takes place in a disco, where the protagonist spots a fine young lady who then proceeds to come over and hump him. This is top quality humping, because it takes the fellow away from all his cares. “Ask me about tomorrow – you know that I don’t care at all. I just got caught up when she had me up against the wall.”

But what happens tomorrow? Does he wake up with the fly honey in bed with him, realising he has to go through an awkward morning-after conversation? Or does he wake up alone, wondering what happened to his leather trousers at the club?

9. See Right Through You

In which ‘N Sync shed an angry tear.

Things are bitter. A moment of clarity hits ‘N Sync. That girl, the one they loved, she ain’t nothing but a cheating ho.

Covering similar territory to Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know”, the song is the voice of cheated-on lover angrily dealing with the aftermath of that discovery. But where as Alanis bluntly asks, “Would she go down on you in a theatre,” ‘N Sync get more euphemistic, asking, “Does he freak you the way that I do?”

‘N Sync move into slightly sweary territory with the line “These games they’ve gotta stop. About to get pissed off.” It’s also remarkable that it’s “pissed off”, which is more British than the American “pissed”. I think this may be a contribution of Justin’s Australian choreographer.

The song is angry, but it doesn’t quite seem to have the real anger of being dicked over. Later, when Justin’s girlfriend rooted his Australian choreographer, he wrote the bitter epic “Cry Me a River“.

Yeah, write what you know.

10. Selfish

In which ‘N Sync cater to the all-important newlyweds demographic.

There are two dud songs on “Celebrity”, which was the same miss rate on “No Strings Attached”. But while the two songs on ‘N Sync’s previous album were written by Richard Marx and Diane Warren (yeah….), this time around the lads managed to write the songs themselves. The first is a JC song.

I used to tolerate this song, but now it annoys me. “Selfish” sounds like an ’80s slow jam, with strings, mellow keyboard and key changes. Lyrically it’s a boring declaration of love. It’s a mature grown-up boring kind of love, not the fun sexy kind of love.

I have this idea that every ‘N Sync album has to have a “wedding song” – a slow-dance declaration of love for the bride and groom to take their first steps as husband and wife. But this song makes me feel ill. It makes me not want to get married, ever, if that means avoiding ever having to hear this song again.

11. Just Don’t Tell Me That

In which ‘N Sync ain’t sayin’ she’s a golddigger.

Another Cheiron production, this time by songwriters Andreas, Kristian and Jack. “Just Don’t Tell Me That” works on the same theme as “Celebrity” – a fame-hungry, gold-digging girl is given her marching orders.

Predicting the popular rise of Playboy in the coming decade, the song opens with, “You’ve got to be seen at every party at the Playboy Mansion”. The girl is revealed to be camera whore, who enjoys the lifestyle to which ‘N Sync have treated her. But, of course, she’s a fake so she needs to hit the road.

This song is a bit of a litmus test for the listener. Either the girl thinks, “Well, I deserve the fancy car and to be seen on your arm at the VIP events, so if you can’t treat me right and give me what I need, then I will find someone who can, like Hef.” Or she thinks, “Yay! JC is ditching his no-good girlfriend. I am pure-hearted so now we can be together!”

But neither of these types have a place in the real world of ‘N Sync.

12. Something Like You

In which ‘N Sync pray just to make it today.

The second dud song is a Justin song, co-written with his old vocal coach Robin Wiley. But what makes it even worse – it features guest harmonica from Stevie Wonder. No! What? Stevie?! Yes, further evidence that everything Stevie Wonder has done since the ’80s has been a bit rubbish.

It’s not quite a wedding song, with the relationship in its early stages. It’s the blossoming of a serious, adult relationship. This is a song to be sung dressed in baggy white linen suits, seated on stools.

It’s the most religious song, with Justin’s prayers to “the Lord above” and asking, “Is this what God has meant for me?” The next step after this is not to get involved in some sweaty humping in a crowded night club. It’s to don a chastity ring and wait until marriage before doing anything else.

I also think songs like this exist to give the lads a bit of a breather during their hectic live shows. But for the listener, it’s much more enjoyable to skip to the next track.

13. That Girl (Will Never Be Mine)

In which ‘N Sync reach for the top.

The trio of Swedish power pop is rounded out with “That Girl (Will Never Be Mine)”, which was also the theme song of Lance and Joey’s romantic comedy movie “On The Line”, back when Lance was heterosexual.

Like other Cheiron productions, there’s a unified group vibe, Justin and JC’s lead vocals supported by the rest.

The song starts with a very brief burst of 1950s-style vocal harmony, before bursting into some fresh ’00s pop. The lyrics examine a case of unrequited love. Sometimes in the world of ‘N Sync a crush suggests it will lead to a lifetime of happiness, but in this case, it’s nothing put trouble.

The girl in question is some sort of celebrity, “tearing up the big screen”, but “she’s in a different league.” A reminder that while ‘N Sync are famous enough to write about the perils of fame, there are others who are more famous, who might sneer at these pop wannabes.

There is determination in the lyrics, “She will be mine!” I like to think this song is about Madonna, the culmination of which was the epic, next-level “4 Minutes“.

14. Falling

In which ‘N Sync let the short one have a go.

This song comes close to making it a trilogy of songs that I don’t like (it has a ‘truck driver’s gear change’ key change!), but there’s something strangely appealing about this cheesy ballad.

It’s the only song on the album written by ‘N Sync member Chris, who sings the high parts. It starts with some moody electric guitar, not unlike that of Bryan Adam’s “Run to You”, and expertly builds to a dramatic chorus. It feels like a really well constructed song. It’s nothing amazing, but has a nice comfortable feeling to it.

Like the Cheiron songs, “Falling” also feels like a good group song. ‘N Sync’s strength as a vocal harmony group is put to good use, with lush layers of harmony. And Chris has even thrown in a few high bits for himself.

If this was all ‘N Sync were capable of, they’d have been a perfectly adequate footnote in the history of late ’90s, early ’00s pop, but the fact that there are so many better song on the album make it just all that much more thrilling.

15. Do Your Thing

In which ‘N Sync are doing their thing and doing it well.

The album ends with a question: Are you doing your thing and doing it well? It’s a simple song about pursuing one’s goals, about staying focused on being the best.

If ‘N Sync were to ask themselves that question, the answer would be yes, and the song amply demonstrates their talent. But then where do you go? If all your dreams have come true, what is there left to achieve?

So it seems inevitable that ‘N Sync broke up. They could have easily made another album, but instead they took the hard road. Joey became a father, Lance came out, Chris went on a reality TV show, JC put out a bunch of killer singles that didn’t get enough attention, and Justin had a very successfully solo career that he put on hold to move into the harder world of acting.

Are you doing your thing and doing it well? Yes? So then what? You move on to the next thing.

Key learnings from watching every Madonna video

Posted on by
2

Last year I set myself the challenge of watching every Madonna video – all 68 of them. I generally enjoy Madge’s oeuvre, and she is indeed noteworthy not just as a pop singer but also as a video artist. She helped shape the emerging art of the music video.

But yet I was pretty sure I hadn’t seen every one of her music videos, particularly that period in the late ’90s when I’d sort of gone off her for a bit. Details of my Madonna-watching journey can be found over on Tumblr, but here I present my key findings.

Madonna has a reputation as a constant reinventor of her look, but when it comes to fashion, she’s actually a bit more conservative than you’d think. Madonna knows that certain shapes flatter her more than others, and she largely sticks with those.

1990s screen saver styles in "Love Profusion"

1940s-style dresses and suits pop up a lot. One first appeared in “Live to Tell”, and I can’t help get the feeling that this was the start of Madonna’s campaign to be cast as Eva Peron in “Evita”. In fact, the video to “Take a Bow” was especially styled like that as an unsolicited audition. But even after “Evita”, Madonna stuck with the look, donning a 1940s floral frock in “Love Profusion”, which seemed to attract a swarm of popstar-eating CGI fairies.

Toned arms and boofy hair in "Papa Don't Preach"

The corset top is another fave. When it first appeared in “Papa Don’t Preach”, Madonna had been working out and had ditched the baggier boytoy-era clothes. The corset top was perfect for showing off her toned arms and leaner figure. Sometimes it’s part of a dress, like in “Like a Prayer”, and it fit right in with her pervy Madonna phase. And the biggest advantage – after having a couple of kids and getting older, a corset top is just right for holding everything in, like when she’s prancing about with Justin Timberlake in “4 Seconds”.

A monocle, a mansuit and a crotch-grab in "Express Yourself"

Then there’s the mansuit. You know Madonna – she’s so confident with her sexuality as a woman that she can dress like a man. Madonna dressed liked a boy in “Open Your Heart” and “Who’s That Girl”, but it wasn’t until the power video of “Express Yourself” where she got in full mansuit mode. But it’s a mansuit that always has a bra underneath it, as if to prove she’s still got the lady skills under that big old suit.

Madonna appears in cartoon form in three music videos. In “Who’s That Girl”, Human Madonna (dressed as a boy) sees a fortune teller who shows her Cartoon Madonna, a likeness of Madonna’s “Who’s That Girl” film character, Nikki Finn. Wait, what? It seems a elaborate way for Madonna-the-popstar to distance herself from Madonna-the-actress.

Gap-toothed cartoon Madge in "Music"

“Dear Jessie” was only released as a single in Europe and Australasia, so Madonna didn’t participate in the music video. Instead she’s animated as a twee fairy, flying about, being all delightful and shit.

And animated Madonna appears for the third time in “Music”. Human Madge is out on the town with her girls, when Cartoon Madge appears on a TV. A superhero, she flies around a city, kicking arse, knocking about neon signs of her old song titles, hits the dancefloor, before falling to earth. Why is that part done as a cartoon? Did the video’s CGI budget not stretch that far?

Madonna has done a lot of songs for film soundtracks. She had a small role as a nightclub singer in “Vision Quest”, a romantic drama which also explores the serious issue of manorexia. She contributed two songs to the soundtrack – “Crazy For You” and “Gambler”. Unfortunately “Gambler” is not a cover of the Kenny Rodgers classic.

Madonna makes a poor lifestyle choice in "Into The Groove"

Madonna’s feature debut is the ace feminist caper flick “Desperately Seeking Susan”, for which she also contributed the perfect pop of “Into The Groove”. The video of this solely consists of footage from the film, but cleverly edited to thematically match the lyrics.

There’s also “Vogue”, which was on the “Dick Tracy” soundtrack but didn’t actually feature in the film. The music video only vaguely alludes to 1930s style. Nonetheless, it’s one of her strongest, most evocative songs and is great to dance to.

Madonna gives Madonna the bash in "Die Another Day"

What, you think achievement hound Madonna would pass up the opportunity to sing the theme tune for a James Bond film? With the legendary John Barry long retired from Bond composing duties, Madonna teamed up with a French progressive-electronica producer and made something that sounds like a battle between a robot and ’80s Madonna. The video is bombastic, with Good Madonna battling Evil Madonna. “Sigmund Freud,” she murmurs, “analyse this.” Better than the actual Bond film? Take that, Lee Tamahori.

And you know what else has to be mentioned? Evita. The only original music video is for “You Must Love Me”, probably because the film performance was sung live with Eva on her deathbed. That video features Madonna singing the song behind a grand piano, trying to not look heavy with child. The other two videos – “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” and “Another Suitcase in Another Hall” were montages from the film, most likely due to Madonna having just given birth to babby Lourdes.

Well ahead of the furry trend in "Like a Virgin"

Rewatching all the old Madonna videos reminded me of the period when Madonna was controversial. Moral groups and the Vatican seemed to perpetually condemn her for all the sensual writhing she did in videos, and the power combo of religious icons with lady bits. Not the mention the alarming “Like a Virgin” video, in which Madonna is far ahead of the curve with furry love.

I was at exactly the right (wrong) age when parents were concerned that Madonna smoking in “Desperately Seeking Susan” (and indeed the “Into the Groove” video) would influence young girls. But it didn’t make me want to smoke. It made me want to live in a grungy Manhattan loft with a boyfriend who looked like Aidan Quinn. Neither of these futures happened.

I was surprised to discover the very clear distinction made between Madonna and the characters she plays in the videos. In “Material Girl”, the Marilyn Monroe-esque Madonna is set up as a character played by the down-to-earth Actor Madonna. In “Like a Prayer”, the video ends with the cast taking a bow as the curtain falls on their dramatic performance. Yeah, that time when Madonna kissed the black Jesus? That was just a character she was playing.

If you were to plot the moral tone of Madonna’s videos on a graph, it would look like a sine wave, a gentle flow between moral and immoral and back again.

Madonna is also ahead of the loldogs trend in "Human Nature"

This is how to seems to work – Madonna pushes the envelope as far as she can go, but as soon as things start to get too outrageous, she’ll bring out something sweet and lovely. When I say outrageous, it’s not just stuff like the Vatican condemning a particular song, but when album sales suffer from songs being a bit too pervy.

So you’ve got the race-and-religion shocker of “Like a Prayer” and the in-your-faceness of “Express Yourself” followed by the sweet, mermaidy “Cherish” and the maternal “Dear Jessie”. And the sexual fantasies of “Justify My Love” and whips-n-chains seriousness of “Erotica” are followed by the repentant “Bad Girl” (“I’m not happy when I act this way”). But pervy Madonna keeps surfacing. Even the real-life phase of being a nice English mum was soon enough followed by 51-year-old divorced Madonna grinding up against Jesus, her hot 23-year-old model boyfriend in the “Celebration” video, and look – Madonna’s doing some freaky yoga moves in the “Sorry” vid. You can’t keep the old girl down.

Madonna still has it in "Sorry"

My top 10 fave Madonna videos

  • Burning Up (1983) – Crazy postmodern imagery and Madonna’s clearly in charge.
  • Material Girl (1985) – The boytoy look takes a break for Hollywood glam and, why, hello Mr Carradine.
  • Papa Don’t Preach (1986) – The first 16 seconds are perfect, the rest is a swell melodrama.
  • Express Yourself (1989) – Inspired by the groundbreaking “Metropolis”, directed by David Fincher, it’s a stylish masterwork.
  • Justify My Love (1990) – Madonna at her perviest, but keeping it cool by bursting out with laughter at the nutsness of it all.
  • Deeper and Deeper (1992) – A bangin’ house track given an arty video with Madonna playing a rather young woman with a thing for older men.
  • Rain (1993) – Directed by Mark Romanek and starring Marc Newson’s Lockheed Lounge chair, every frame is beautiful.
  • Don’t Tell Me (2000) – Cowgirl Madonna kicks up her heels with some cowboys, subverting the cheapie greenscreen video.
  • Hung Up (2005) – Madonna dances, the kids on the street dance, then she goes to a club and shows the DDR game how to dance.
  • 4 Minutes (2008) – Giant black screen terrorises Madge and Mr JT!

I need a new tape

Posted on by
2

Happy Record Store Day! Perhaps there should be a question mark after that. Real Groovy Wellington has recently announced that it will be closing – despite trying really hard to keep going.

In Wellington central, this leaves Slow Boat Records, a Marbecks and Parsons for the oldies, along with JB Hifi and The Warehouse (if you’re the sort of person who’d seriously buy music from The Warehouse, other than rooting around in the bargain bins for hidden gems).

It’s strange how record shops have suddenly dried up and gone away, because for years and years they were such a big part of my life.

Electric City Music – Hamilton

Electric City Music was a generic record store in Hamilton’s Centreplace mall and I have a very specific memory of it.

It was 1987 and I was 12, looking through the new releases bin. I came across the Beastie Boys’ debut LP “Licensed To Ill” and I got really excited. I think my appreciation for the Beastie Boys was based around 1) “Fight For Your Right” being quite a fun song with a cool video and 2) Ad-Rock being quite cute. I opened the gatefold sleeve and payed close attention to the smashed-up jet. What did it mean?

I didn’t buy “Licensed To Ill”. It probably cost about $11 and I just didn’t have that sort of money in those days.

Licensed to Ill

Tracs – Hamilton

Tracs ate so much of my money. It was in a basement building on the corner of Ward St and Victoria St in Hamilton. I’d descend the wide stairs and be in musical joyland.

My default bit of wall was the “Alternative” cassette section. I’d usually come there with specific titles in mind, but sometimes I’d pick something on a whim (and usually regret it). And no matter when I went there, there always seemed to be Mercury Rev’s tape “Boces” and the Barenaked Ladies “Gordon” sitting on the shelves, unsold.

Cassettes were my format of choice because they were – for no good reason – about $10 cheaper than CDs. I even had a Tracs card, giving me 15% of all purchases. In fact, I went there so often the guy behind the counter gave me the discount without even checking my card.

But the best thing about tapes – as soon as I left the store, I could put my new purchase in my Walkman and instantly listen to it. Some things can’t wait.

Tower Records – Sunset Strip

Los Angeles 1993. It was, as I described to my friends on returning to New Zealand, like if Real Groovy Records in Auckland was totally filled with new music and not all the other stuff they stocked.

Not only did it have huge quantities of music, but it stocked stuff that I’d only read about in New Zealand, that would have only been available on order. I gathered up a stash of CDs – The Breeders’ “Last Splash“, Luscious Jackson’s “In Search of Manny“, and a bunch of Henry Rollins spoken word CDs.

This was the moment when I switched to CDs. Tower stocked tapes, but unlike in New Zealand, it definitely felt like the CD was the dominant format and tapes were on the way out.

That Weird Little Second-Hand Record Shop on Alexander St in Hamilton

In the mid-’90s I went through a vinyl phase. I bought Camper Van Beethoven’s album “Key Lime Pie“, possibly because I was into David Lowery’s new band, Cracker. The guy at the counter picked up the record and slowly turned it over a few times. “Camper Van Beethoven, eh,” he slowly said. “Key Lime Pie”. He looked at me as if he was waiting for some sort of explanation. I had none to offer. I paid for it, took the record home and never played it.

Sounds – Hamilton

Sounds was my auxiliary record shop when I was bored with Tracs. It had pretty decent bargain bins, and one fruitful haul produced David Hasselhoff’s “Close To Heaven” CD; “102% Sex”, a remarkably unsexy soundalike compilation of dance music themed around safe sex; and a $1 MC Hammer baseball cap from the time he called himself Hammer.

Buying cheap hilarious records doesn’t work digitally. There’s no unsold stock to discount, and no reason to buy crazy cheap stuff, other than out of curiosity.

Free things

Record shops used to give away free stuff to entice people to buy popular albums from their shop.

In 1991 I bought the tape of MC Hammer’s “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em“, which came with a free six-pack of Pepsi cos Hammer was doing Pepsi ads. Somehow I was really embarrassed when the store guy handed me the six-pack, and was annoyed to have to schlep it around for the rest of the day.

Sounds stores around New Zealand gave away a free t-shirt with Soundgarden’s “Superunknown“. I gave my t-shirt to a friend, and for years after I’d see bogans around New Zealand wearing their “Superunknown” t-shirt. I didn’t even like the album.

When The Prodigy’s “Fat of the Land” album was about to be released, it seemed that every record shop had a different freebie or discount to entice shoppers. I checked out the offering of the Newmarket record shops and settled on one that offered a free poster and a free Prodigy lighter. Both eventually ended up in the bin.

Best freebie ever – a poster of the album art of The 3Ds’ album “The Venus Trail“. Drawn by David Mitchell (with his left hand, because drawing with his right was too easy), it portrayed a chaotic Dunedin, perfectly fitting with the wiry rock of the album.

The Venus Trail

Virgin Megastore – Paris

I visited the Virgin Megastore on the Champs Elysees in 2003. It was a proper megastore with many floors of music. Nothing in New Zealand ever came close to Virgin Megastores, in fact most large record shops of major chains were still pretty modest in size.

I wanted to buy something French as a souvenir. It was rock ‘n’ roll legend Johnny Hallyday’s 60th birthday, so there was a huge display of his entire back catalogue. But that wasn’t quite what I wanted.

I picked holiday pop over Hallyday, and settled on two CD singles – DJ Bobo’s club novelty hit “Chihuahua” – one of those infectious songs that was being played all over Paris; and “Laissons Entrer Le Soleil” (a French version of “Flesh Failures/Let the Sunshine In”) by the final 10 contestants of A La Recherche De La Nouvelle Star (the French version of Pop Idol).

Real Groovy – Auckland

I’d go through periods of liking and disliking Real Groovy. All it would take is a bit of surliness from one of the counter staff and I’d avoid Real Groovy for a year.

It was a good shop for its massive selection of second-hand music. It was easy to get acquainted with the back catalogue of a previously overlooked artist via someone else’s unloved CDs. Oh, you don’t want those Smiths CDs? Here, I’ll have them.

And Real Groovy would pay cash (or store credit) for my unloved CDs, which was a bit of a lifesaver at times. Best payout – I got $8 for Ganksta N-I-P’s “Psychotic Genius” CD that I’d only paid $3 for in a bargain bin at The Warehouse (which I’d bought because the album cover was hilariously awful).

It’s strange to think that until recently CDs were once so valuable that people would break into cars and steal CDs to sell for cash.

Sticky vinyl

The digital

I’m not exactly sure when I stopped buying CDs. I guess it started when the iTunes store opened in New Zealand. But I do know that I’d still find myself wandering through record shops, looking for stuff, but noticing that something didn’t quite feel right any more.

Even if I buy a CD, I won’t play it on a CD player. The first step is ripping it into iTunes so I can listen to it on my iPod. I think the last time I played a CD was in the ’00s.

A few years ago, I transfered all my CDs into disc storage folders. It freed up a lot of space, but it’s occurred to me that as I haven’t played any of the discs since then, is it even worth keeping the CDs?

I feel a little conflicted about the fate of record shops. I want them to survive purely because record shops used to be fun places to go, and they probably still are for some people. But for me, they’re not much fun any more – like browsing in a fishing supplies store.

I wander around thinking, “Oh, I could get that cheaper online.” And every physical recording – no matter the format – is a physical object that has to go somewhere. Online is cheaper and takes up no physical space.

One argument for patronising record stores is that the staff can guide you. But when I was younger, I was generally too scared to talk to record store staff to get recommendations. I’d figure out stuff for myself, and online that’s even easier to do. Online, the recommendations are usually separate from the retailers, but those music websites are run by the same sort of nerdy music lovers that worked in record shops.

I bought a couple of CDs from Real Groovy Wellington’s closing down sale. Despite being tempted by a 50c copy of The Go-Go’s’ “Talk Show” on tape, I picked “Straight Answer Machine” by Samuel F Scott and the BOP, and “Crude Futures” by So So Modern. “Straight Answer Machine” was $20, discounted from $29.95, but I could have bought it on iTunes for $18.99. While “Crude Futures” was an undiscounted $21.95 that I could have bought on Bandcamp for only $12. But on the other hand, both of those albums have really good artwork and it’s nice to be able to get a good look at that.

It seems that record shops have split into either “High Fidelity”-style shops for serious lovers of physical music format; or popular shops for people wanting the Susan Boyle CD, who haven’t figured out MP3s yet.

Meanwhile, I’m in this other place – buying music on iTunes or Bandcamp. I’ll miss the fun of the old record shop experience, but I’ve still got what it was always all about – the music.

Postscript

After I wrote this I went along to both Slow Boat and Real Groovy. They were both full of people enjoying themselves, though still plenty of lone male types.

I ended up buying the Beastie Boys’ “Licensed to Ill”. It was $12.95 – almost $2 more than the iTunes price. It’s crazy to consider that it’s almost what the LP would have cost 25 years ago.

I think I’ll miss that home-away-from-home feeling that good record stores had.

From C to shining C

Home away from home

Posted on by
3

Homegrown is an annual New Zealand music festival that takes places on the Wellington waterfront. A couple of years ago, I’d walked past and seen pissed-as teens herded into fenced-off areas, and I decided it wasn’t particularly appealing.

Caged

But this year a friend had a spare ticket and I found myself on the other side of the temporary fencing.

Coco Solid

The first act I saw was Coco Solid, performing in the vaguely indie-themed Studio Live stage. A line of teen girls took their place along the front of the stage, but they didn’t quite seem to be massive Coco Solid fans. The penny dropped when I noticed one of them was wearing a handmade Kids of 88 T-shirt. They were preemptively positioning themselves to be up the front to swoon when it was time for the electro-popsters to play their electro-pop.

By the way, I have a theory that on one level, Kids of 88 exist to make Generation X-ers feel old and irrelevant. Yes, seniors – people who were born in 1988 are old enough to be in bands.

Ms Coco Solid, though, was ace. There was something a little weird with the vocal mic on that stage – it seemed a little quiet or distant for all acts – but her sassy hip hop came over just fine.

Nesians, are you with me

Eschewing the aforementioned Kids, we headed over to the Pop & RnB stage to catch Nesian Mystik. It appears that the lads are calling it a day soon, but the audience was full of love for them.

New Zealand never managed to have its own version of a ’00s boy band. There was the ill-fated En Masse, but no direct counterpart to Nsync or Blue. I’ve always thought New Zealand audiences are quite picky. We like people who can play musical instruments and who write their own songs, and who are top blokes.

Well, Nesian Mystik fill that gap – six really nice guys who write their own songs, play guitar, and with plenty of rap among the melody. They are New Zealand’s stealth ’00s boy band.

They played their hits and the audience loved it, with an amazing moment in “Nesian Style” where the audience sang out the line “Polynesians all around”. I realised that 10 years ago, for a young Polynesian-New Zealand audience, Nesian Mystik would have been one of the few chances they’d have to hear Polynesian pop on the mainstream airwaves. (By the way, I still reckon “It’s On” is one of the best New Zealand pop songs ever written.)

Misty Phoenix

Next I caught the Phoenix Foundation, and I’m not quite sure how I felt about them. It just all seemed a bit low-key, but maybe that’s just their thing now.

But I had a bit of a moment during “Nest Egg”, their ode to broken dreams. I wrote this in my notebook: “Nest Egg’ is Gen-X raising its middle finger to the Baby Boomers. You told us we needed to strive for things, but the truth is, you only value the things you could easily achieve due to your golden demographic fluke. Our nest egg may be rotten, but we’re not going bankrupt chasing your old dreams. The rules have been rewritten.

I think I was channelling my 18-year-old self.

God save the Clean

Next on the indie stage was The Clean. Have I seen them perform live before? I’m not sure – possibly in the ’90s.

They weren’t what I expected. I was expecting the band to sound like they did on their old singles, but that didn’t happen. Instead the tight three did a lot of semi-structured jamming, and I swear their first song was about 15 minutes long. It was thoroughly enjoyable.

The audience was full of both old-timer fanboys and whippersnappers who were there because they’d heard the Clean were legends. Side of stage, the night’s previous bands stood watching in awe.

The Clean didn’t feel like some old band rehashing their greatest hits to shift some CDs (or worse – the track-by-track playing of a “classic” album). It felt like they were giving the audience a fresh, original performance that could never be duplicated.

Blindspott

Finally I headed over to the arena for the reformed Blindspott.

I’d seen New Zealand’s lords of nu metal perform once before – when I won tickets to X-Air in 2002. They were barely known back then, performing during the day to a crowd of teenage boys who were more interested in the extreme sports action happening all around the Claudelands Showgrounds.

This time, Blindspott were in full control. I wouldn’t consider myself a Blindspott fan, but I think they do what they do well. Damian Alexander is a confident frontman and knows how to perform to an arena crowd.

The band have always been ruthless self-promoters and pushed not only their new single, but cleverly had the crowd baying for blood around their current legal wrangle.

There’s one thing that was on everyone’s mind: Christchurch. With temporary fencing and portaloos around the Homegrown site, it was hard not to be reminded of those who are forced to live amongst such things every day.

Mr Alexander asked any Cantabrians in the audience to raise their hands (and there were quite a few). He then asked that other audience members give them a pat on the back, but it turned into a hand-shaking, fist-bumping, full-contact-hugging, love fest. Aw, guys.

This led into their lighters/cellphones-in-the-air song “Phlex”, the intro of which had been overlaid with the Prime Minister’s post-quake speech. The trouble is, while the speech John Key read was good, he’s not such a great public speaker and so it ended up sounding like a corporate team-building event. Hey guys – fantastic sales results for this quarter. Now the Blind Spots band are going to perform. Great stuff!

Blindspott finished with “Nil By Mouth”, which is a song that seems destined to be performed in an arena full of dudes yelling along “Stop and stare! What the fuck! You don’t know me!”, followed by the screamy bit that no one seems to actually know the words to.

And with that, I made my way out into the damp Wellington streets, surrounded by pissed-as bros who wanted the world to know what a great day they’d had.