Category Archives: Observatory

The keyboard and how to use it

I first became aware of Roger Ebert via Mad magazine parodies in the 1980s, but he was just another American pop culture icon, like JR Ewing and Ronald McDonald. It wasn’t until the 1990s that I came across his film reviews. I’d be browsing the list of External Reviews of film at the Internet Movie Database and there’d be “Chicago Sun-Times [Roger Ebert]” and I’d think, oh yeah, I’ve heard of that guy, and click through.

And so I discovered Roger Ebert’s film reviews and his particular style of reviewing. It was personal. It was subjective. It didn’t rely on having a great big academic knowledge of cinema (he’d learned his craft on the streets) and he wasn’t afraid to put himself in the review.

That was one of the biggest discoveries for me. I’d been taught that the writer does not put herself in the review, that it is egotistical to do so. But yet there’s actually a real person writing the review. It’s not generated by an algorithm (though I’m sure that’s not too far off). In a way it seems more honest for a reviewer to acknowledge herself and her personal reaction to a piece rather than to pretend she represents everyman.

In my intense film-viewing years (1993-2004), his film reviews led me to discover great titles I’d never seen before. I’d browse his archives, looking at four star reviews, make a list and head off to Videon to raid their shelves. I’d previously dismissed seeing “Dark City” at the cinema because I was confusing it with the vampire action flick “Blade”. But Ebert loved “Dark City” so that led me to discover it on video. It was a slick, mysterious, stylish, noir sci-fi, which is just how I like it.

But I also realised that an Ebert review didn’t blindly make me see or avoid films solely based on his review. Ebert hated “Spice World”, giving it half a star and declaring the Girls are “so detached they can’t even successfully lip-synch their own songs.” Pft! Whereas I bloody love the cheesy fun of “Spice World” and consider it one of my favourite films.

Even before his cancer diagnosis, I used to worry what would happen when he died. His extensive body of work, his archive of reviews stretching all the way to back to the 1960s would, one day, end!

In later years Ebert took to blogging, using the limitless medium as a place to write about many things other than film, including a never-produced script of a film for the Sex Pistols. But my favourite entry was his 2008 meditation on the rice cooker, “The pot and how to use it”, which was turned into a book with the delicious subtitle “The Mystery and Romance of the Rice Cooker”. He wonders, “How does the Pot know how long to cook the rice? It is a mystery of the Orient. Don’t ask questions you don’t need the answers to. The point here is to save you some time and money. If you want gourmet cooking, you aren’t going to learn about it here.”

But somehow, in more recent years, I stopped watching too many films and found I was less interested in Ebert’s work. It was still there, I still read it, but just less and less often. But the one thing that never left was the influence of his style. It inspired me when I first starting writing stuff on my website (the pastime now known as “blogging”) and it still nudges me in good directions. And from all the tributes I’ve seen today, he’s inspired many people and left the world a better place. And that’s a pretty good life to have led.

18 years

So, at the end of 2012, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced they were expecting a child. Good for them.

But then the comments started; the lol tweets. See, Kanye is well known for his song “Gold Digger”, a song which cautions both men and women against getting involved with people who are only after their money. It includes the memorable line:

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years

And people remember that one line and put two and two together – Kim (somehow) tricked Kanye into getting her pregnant so that she could get her hands on his fortune – just like song!

Oh really?

Kanye West’s wealth is estimated at about $80 million; Kim Kardashian’s is about $40 million. Ok, so he’s worth twice as much as her, but $40 million ain’t loose change.

Kim’s first husband, pro basketballer Kris Humphries, has an estimate worth of just $8 million. And it’s unlikely either will get any of the other’s dosh when their divorce comes through – just like the advice dished out in “Gold Digger”, she was smart enough to get a prenup.

And Kim Kardashian doesn’t have $40 million from doing an Anna Nicole and marrying some elderly millionaire at death’s door. No, the self-made millionaire earned her money the same way her boyfriend earned his – through various deals in the entertainment industry. They both have their names branded all the way to the bank.

He don't go for no broke ladies.

Kanye’s Lambo: he don’t go for no broke ladies.

But just to show how much of a non-gold-digger Kim Kardashian is, she bought Kanye a $750,000 Lamborghini for his 35th birthday. Not many people can do that.

When people come out joking about Kim Kardashian being a gold-digger, it feels sexist. It’s saying that a woman can’t have a baby with a man who is worth more a lot more than she is without her having some sort of ulterior motive. They can’t just be a loved-up couple wanting to start a family. No, she’s trapping him with her uterus of doom, forcing him to pay child support for 18 years and maybe even making him be a father to his child (oh, the burden!).

And if this is what it’s like for a celebrity couple, what’s it like for ordinary people? Some friends of mine had a baby before they were married. The implication was that the girl had got pregnant to snare the guy. Except they’re still happily together and with more kids.

Yeah, occasionally there’s trickery out there – from both men and women. But most of the time people just really like each other and want to have babies together.

On ice

My favourite Olympic story is the tale of Steven Bradbury, Australian speed skater.

At the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Bradbury was not a favourite. Australia had never won a gold medal in the Winter Olympics – nor had any southern hemisphere country, for that matter.

So, he’s in the heat for the 1000m men’s speed skating and he wins it. Ok, cool. But no one has money on him to go any further.

In the quarter-final he’s up against local favourite Apolo Ohno and world champ Marc Gagnon. Only the top two place-getters will advance to the semi-final. Bradbury comes third, but Gagnon is later disqualified, so skater Steve makes it to the semi-final.

Bradbury recognises that he wasn’t likely to win it, so he and his coach home up with a strategy. He’s just going to hold back and hope that if a couple of skaters crash, he’ll be able to skate into a qualifying spot. But what happened? Three of the four other competitors crash, sending Steve into second place and ensuring him a spot in the finals.

And so the finals. No one is expecting Bradbury to win. He’s lucky and should just enjoy the experience, right? And again Bradbury holds back, trailing behind his elite competitors. The five men are racking up the laps. They’re coming onto the final circuit, the finish line in sight. Then – suddenly; miraculously – all four of the other competitors crash out, skidding across the icy track. Bradbury effortlessly avoids the pile-up and glides through the finish line. He raises his arms, a gesture that’s a cross between a triumphant “I’m number one!” and a “Uh… what just happened?”

After a delay, the officials made a decision. There would be no rematch. There would be a gold medal and it would be Steve Bradbury’s. And so Australia won its first gold medal at the winter Olympics. It’s perhaps not the most expected way to win, but Steven Bradbury’s skill and technique got him all the way onto the podium.

Daisy

Daisy dollDaisy was an English fashion doll, a shorter, less busty version of Barbie, designed by Mary Quant. I had one because my mother thought she was ‘nicer’ than Barbie, which made Barbie seem like a filthy ho who could corrupt me.

I had this outfit, the Gymkhana. It’s horsey. Someone bought this for me thinking I’d like it because it was horse related. The soft plastic of the boots cracked and the jacket never quite sat right. She didn’t even have a shirt under the jacket.

Daisy was stuck in the ’70s, with big chunky platform shoes that were not cool. And her limbs were attached using rubber bands that would break. Poor Daisy.

A few years later I moved to the world of Barbie. People say Barbies have unrealistic body shapes for girls, but she was taller, like me. And she had better clothes.

Bejewelled

I never seem to have any luck buying jewellery from craft stalls. I always seem to buy stuff that looks cool on the stall, but when I get it and have a good look at it, I am horrified at what I’ve actually bought.

Example 1
I bought a hand-knotted bracelet. It was made from a natural fibre and had a few decorative beads knotted into it. It looked quirky and cool. When I got it home, I realised the beads were red, green and yellow. And the natural fibre – it was hemp. I’d accidentally bought stoner jewellery.

Example 2
It was a cute ring, with subtle bumps around it. I didn’t normally wear rings, but this one fit really well. I was really pleased with my find. But then I got home and looked at the ring from the side. The bumps were dolphins. A smiling line of dolphins were gaily swimming around the ring.

Both the ring and the bracelet were disposed of in a thoughtful manner.

So now if I’m at a craft fair, no matter how cool the jewellery seems, I will not buy it. Because the robot brooch will turn out to actually be a badge that says “I <3 bikes!” or the autumn leaf will actually be a comedy dog poo.

I am not willing to engage with the close inspection required of the world of jewellery, the need to analyse before purchase. It’s less stressful to be unadorned.

Justice for Princess

In New Zealand law, it’s illegal for a person to have a name that is a royal or significant title. I believe this restriction came about after an unsavoury fellow changed his first name to “Sir”, but it now means that there are to be no kids with names like Sir, Bishop, Majesty or Constable.

The two most rejected names are Princess and Justice. The blocking of Princess is particularly annoying because are evidently no such restrictions in the United Kingdom, a land of actual princesses. Katie Price happily named her daughter Princess. Realistically, no one is ever going to mistake Princess Andre-Price for a legitimate royal, ruling over the duchy of Andre-Price.

And would a little boy named Justice Watkins be mistaken for a District Court judge? No, he wouldn’t, because people are smart and they can figure things out from context. The law assumes that everyone who wants to give their kid a title name is doing so to trick people. But if a woman can be named Queenie, why can’t her granddaughter be named Princess?

Happy! New! Yeah!

Every year around December 31, there used to be an avalanche of tweets from people declaring that year to have been so shit, good riddance to it, and bring on the new year.

This year, however, there has been a distinct lack of those tweets.

I suspect this is because 2011 has been a dramatic, eventful and sometimes tragic year. No one wants to be the drama queen/king who declares 2011 to be the worst year ever, only to have someone say, “Yeah, well you’re lucky. My wife was killed in the earthquake.”

Christchurch people seem to be counting their blessings and not solely dwelling on the destruction of the quake.

In shit times, we don’t have the luxury of wallowing in misery. 2011 is the year that gave everyone perspective on how good we’ve really got it.

Happy new year, y’all!