Category Archives: Technology

Referer Madness: 2007 special

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Ok, let’s have some more referer madness. These are my favourite terms from 2007 that people have searched for that have somehow lead them to my website.

i stopped using contraception and didn’t tell him
Oh, you are in so much trouble now! But don’t worry. I won’t tell him either. It’s just our little secret.

dirty little whare porno
Jazmyn is at home in her little whare – house. There’s a knock at the door. It’s a plumber – a hot one. “Oh, you’ll have to excuse the mess,” she sighs. “I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t had time to clean.” “Yes, your whare is paru – your house is dirty,” moaned the hot plumber. “Quite the dirty little whare. This is not ka pai – good at all, you naughty wahine. I’m going to have to take care of you… right after I unblock your whare paku – toilet.”

manpenis hair
Apparently a google for “penis hair” was bringing up too many results to do with hairy ladypenises.

saw arse after drinking
This is #3 on the checklist of signs that you may have a drinking problem, next to “Work suffered due to drinking” and “Friend or family member expressed concern at your drinking”.

what goes down the sink?
Wastewater, and your plans to have retired by age 40 thanks to your portfolio of West Auckland rental properties.

find phone number of women who likes secret sex
So what do you do once you’ve got the phone number? Well, this is an actual transcript of such an occasion:

[RING RING]
Woman: Hello?
Man: Uh, yeah. I hear you likes secret sex!!!
Woman: WTF? How’d you find out?! It was supposed to be a secret :( :(
Man: sowwy :( :(
Woman: Oh, come over anyway. I’m quite naked at the moment.
Man: :D :D :D

lady suck cork out of bottle
Generally speaking, it’s more efficient to use a corkscrew than a lady.

2 girls involved in fight on courtney place december 2007
I’m intrigued – was this search done by a witness to the fight who perhaps was wanting to see if anything happened to the girls, or did one of the girls do a vanity google to see if people were writing about her fierce street styles?

who is robyn’s parents
I can exclusively reveal that Robyn’s parents go by the names of “Mum” and “Dad”.

sexual equality rhymes
It’s easy. All you need to do is take an established rhyme and change a few of the words!

1. There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared! -
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”

2. There was an old lady with a ladybeard,
Who said, “It is also just as I feared! -
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have also all built their nests in my ladybeard!”

What You’re Lookin’ For II: Referer Madness

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Another quiet weekend, so it’s time to take another look in my referer logs to see what people have been searching for that’s lead them here.

free tame iti t-shirt
This search showed up the day after the police raids and his arrest. If you’re looking for a T-shirt that urgently, you’re better off fashioning one yourself – retro old-school punk style! Just get your Supre “It’s All About House” T-shirt, turn it inside out, get a black Vivid and write “FREE TAME ITI” on it. You can also customise it by sewing on rick-rack, feathers and funky buttons!

a lady that got took to hell and showed her the passage and how it is going to be
I like to think that the person searching for this was actually expecting to find someone’s blog giving a first-hand account of this. ‘And I was like, “Oh my gosh! Where am I?!” And Satan was all “Say hello to Hell, bitch!” And I was all, “Man, this sucks!”‘

anton oliver and robyn
OMG! Our secret love is secret no longer!

inhaling exit mould
See, life is a gift that God has given us, and you should consider that life as precious and you should not abuse yourself in that life by inhaling Exit Mould. And besides, it’s just bleach. You can’t get high off it. I know – I tried!

rhymes on trouble
Here’s a question – yo, what rhymes with trouble?
Like when you’re lying in a bath filled with bubbles
and you consider space, like Edwin Hubble.
Here’s two more so our tally will double.
I dig the Flintstones and Barney Rubble.
Come here, boy, and let me feel your stubble.
Peace.

booze hag quiz
As the internet apparently cannot provide this, I have scientifically formulated a quiz to determine booze-hagosity:

Q1. do u like 2 drink lot’s???
Q2. when u get drunk do u get all dishevelled and does ur hair get in ur face and u spill drink on ur dress and stuff like that???
A. if u answered “YES” to Q1 and Q2, then ur a booze hag!!!!! me too!!!kewl – u shld come over!!!

cops asian mullet angry
I can understand why someone would search for two or three of these words together, but all four takes us on a journey right into the heartland of WTFness.

secrets of charming man
Ok, this is what you need to do. Get on a bicycle and go for a ride in the countryside. At the top of a hill, ride over something sharp so you get a puncture. Then after a while a charming man will come and give you a ride, and while you’re there in the passenger seat, you can quiz him on his secrets. But I’ll warn you now – he’ll probably think it’s gruesome that someone so handsome should care.

stop her boobs
Someone, do something! Quickly! Well, I mean, at the moment they’re just sitting there in her bra under her shirt, but, I swear, if someone doesn’t do something soon, they’ll start demanding the right to bear weapons and then they’ll start their own people’s revo-boob-tionary army! It’s got to stop.

Addendum:

if i do something obvious will i still get on your referrer list?
Nah, I probably wouldn’t even notice it, let alone blog about it.

The plural of text, and other modern dilemmas

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Simon le BonesThis is my cellphone. It’s a Nokia 1100, which, Wikipedia notes, “has been specifically designed for developing countries: its keypad and front face have been designed to be as dustproof as possible, and its sides are non-slip for humid weather.” (This is obviously not a world class cellphone.)

I don’t live in the developing world (though it does get a little humid around here at times), but this phone suits my needs – phone calls and textsisesses.

The slim gentleman to the left is Mr Simon Le Bones. He is the official mascot of my cellphone, and even if my phone kinda sucks, he brings a little deathmotif style to the business.

But despite the presence of Mr Le Bones, my cellphone is currently having some troubles. It does this thing where, when someone phones me, it’ll manage to ring about twice, then it sort of freaks out and turns itself off. But the most frustrating thing about this is it doesn’t keep a record of the call, so I have no idea who was trying to phone me.

I don’t know what the experience is like for the caller, but I have this horrible feeling that it might seem like I’ve been flicking the call through to voicemail because I don’t want to talk. Oh noez!

The phantom switch-off has happened a couple of times in recent days, so I’m thinking maybe it’s time to get a new phone. Something a bit fancier with a colour screen and maybe even an mp3 player and/or a camera.

But it all seems very complicated, this modern cellphone world. So if anyone has any hints or tips, please share. My minimum requirement is that the phone have a loop for Simon Le Bones to hook on to.

What kind of webbery is this?

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A couple of my internet amigos have a mysterious art project webpage, the enticingly titled I Wrote This For You, with the even more enticing URL pleasefindthis.blogspot.com.

It consists of daily posts of a lovely photo matched with words of wisdom, such as this one:

The Far

Cute cat up a tree.

You got yourself up there. You can get yourself back down.

At a glance, it seems like cut ‘n’ paste fodder for emo LiveJournallers and miserable housewives, but when you look deeper, are the edges a little frayed? Is the author a font of wisdom or is he secretly looking for answers just as much as we are? And when the author says, “I wrote this for you,” is the correct response, “I read this for you”? Or is that reading too much into things?

Nonetheless, this is what the interweb was made for.

And I’m feeling so rad.

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It’s been happening for about as long as I’ve had a website. People search for something and their search engine leads them to a page on my website. They don’t stop and read it and realise that just because someone writes about, say, Berocca on their website, doesn’t mean that they are affiliated with Roche and can hook you up with free Berocca. Similarly someone who writes about the Incredible Film Fest can’t hook you up with free Jackass movie tickets. And a review of a fashion parade doesn’t make the author the organiser of a fashion parade.

And it still continues. Today I received an email from Brad from Canada. He wrote:

Hi,
My gal and I are looking for a very sexual, neat experience in Thailand including a villa, massage and good food???
Any ideas?
brad

Oh, Brad. Poor Brad. Perhaps he searched for “experience with a masseuse in Thailand” and didn’t notice that the full sentence on the page he came to was, “Dennis: “I had a bad experience with a masseuse in Thailand” and was just that one line with no context at all (and the Dennis in question hasn’t been to Thailand, but I can’t be sure about bad masseuse experiences).

But I decided to be as helpful as I could, so this was my reply to Brad from Canada.

Hi

I’ve spent a total of 12 hours in Thailand. It was a stop-over between London and Auckland. Most of the time I spent sleeping, but I did have a cup of coffee at the Bangkok airport café, and it was pretty good.

I hope this helps.

Robyn