Category Archives: Technology

Ho ho hizoz

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A friend of mine described me as a nympho once. “Oh, my dear boy,” I responded. “Do you know how many years it’s been since I last had a root?”

I was delighted to read in the Straight Dope that nymphomania doesn’t really exist anymore as a legitimate psychological condition. There’s just a non-specific condition about people who are distressed when they have sex a lot. In other words, having frequent, compulsive sex is only a problem if it bothers you to do so.

I went for a walk down to the Waitakere Dam. On the way down I past various groups of people walking up. All the old couples said hello to me, all the younger couples were too absorbed in conversation about relationships or gossip to even look up.

When I got back I was searching for information about the dam and found this. I didn’t even know it was there. I don’t remember writing it. WTF?

My web site is stagnating. I hate that. Ever since I started this Live Journal I’ve all but abandoned my web site simply because the LJ is a) easier to update and b) more fun. I want to merge the two sites, but it’s just taking so long. The good news is that I’ve asked my web site admin guy to install Movable Type, and he’s promised to look into it, so that’s a start.

I feel burdened by technology.

Ho ho ho

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My new favourite Big Brother housemate is Daniel. He is only a couple of months older than me and he is funny. And hot.

I’ve been getting lots of fan mail lately from guys who think I’m hot. The photo on my web site is about two and a half years old. At the time it was the best looking photo of a bunch I took with my camera on auto, but all these fellows seem to read a lot into it and come up all all sorts of meanings. I suppose having a web site called “Robyn’s Vagina”, oh, I mean, “Robyn’s Secret Passage” doesn’t help. I think I might have to put the burgerface pic back up.

Oh yeah, when i was at the supermarket I picked up the NW special Big Brother edition. It has a pull-out wall chart with all the housemates on it. I haven’t pull it out yet, but I am tempted.

Of greater interest is the map of the BB houses. I’m formulating all sorts of theories as to what is hidden and where. Like, at the back of the round house there’s a circular sandpit. The big theory is that there’s a spa pool hidden under that, but after the producers hid last year’s spa under some actual plants, why would it be so poorly hidden this year? And what of the soggy grass? No drainage in the lawn suggests that there’s something solid under that grass.

The other big theory area is how the houses will be united. I’m guessing that the wall in the garden between the two houses will be removed. The wall between the two houses might even get to be removed on the inside. And what about an indoor bathroom. There’ll have to be one when the winter months hit. OMG! This is so bloody exciting. All the rumours and intrigue are way more exciting than showering housemates.

Pink schedule

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Currently doing the blog rounds is the faux bling encrusted Samsung cellphone for ladies.

The description of the phone (“It’s delicately cut edges give brilliance comparable to a diamond, reflecting eternal beauty.”) have a certain English-as-a-second-language feeling, but it’s the list of the special features for women the phone has that really excites me:

Features for Women
- Biorhythm
- Fatness Index
- Calorie Calculator
- Pink Schedule
- Menstruation

Isn’t that brilliant? It’s not just dinky little cell phone features. It’s almost like the five most suckiest things about being female. Belief in crazy future prediction systems! Being neurotic about weight! Being neurotic about eating! Being obsessed with appearing cute and delicate! And bleeding, like the dirty, filthy harlot you secretly are.

I’m waiting for Samsung to make a special men’s phone with the following special features:

Features for Men
- Football
- Penis size
- Naked lady
- Toilet
- Beer

Not Kraw, Kraw.

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Dr Kraw didn’t used to get much email, but what email did come was from people who got the joke and would write asking for advice with their self-pollution problem.

But now Dr Kraw is getting a lot more email and it seems to be mostly from American teens who think it’s completely serious and are totally outraged. Most of these writers come to the defence of rock music, and alcohol, marijuana and premarital sex is often defended too. However, homosexuality and communism is rarely mentioned.

Surely there’s a gay 15 year old communist who’s about to stumble across the Dr Kraw web site and write an email of outrage. Something like:

dear “dr” kraw

who do u think u r to say that communism and being gay is WRONG???? i bet u r secretly gay and a communist 2. i am gay and i have been for a year. i like cock and im not afraid 2 admit it. i also believe in distribution of wealth and no communist do not eat cold gruel or rape and pillage!!!! i think u should think about what u r saying bcoz u could be offending people with your stupid words!!!!

honeyb4u

I’m getting sick of all these outraged emails, so I’ve removed all the Kraw email links and put in a guestbook instead. I’m compiling the emails I’ve already received into another “Ask Dr Kraw” page so the good doctor will be able to dish out more advice for your entertainment, er, education.

Spamorama

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The new email program I’m using has such excellent spam filtering that hardly any spam gets through. I was taking a look through my folder of filtered spam and I realised how little of it is actually relevant to me. Maybe if I were an overweight American man suffering from sexual dysfunction, but with a liking for farm girls, and who had major financial problems and a desire to work from home, maybe then it’d be more interesting to read.

Badly written (Why use one full-stop when using three just has that much more impact?), yet enthusiastic emails show up trying to get me really excited about various fabulous opportunities. But they all get it so, so wrong.

Are you drowning in too much high interest monthly debt?

No, as it happens I’m not. Like that Bros song, “I owe you nothing, oo-er, nothing at all.”

Would you like to lose weight while you sleep!
Sexual Potency 75% improvement.
Emotional Stability 67% improvement.

Losing weight while you sleep is no big claim, but to be 75% more sexually potent and 67% more emotionally stable is pretty impressive. It’s like if you took advantage of this spam you’d be able to engage in a cracker of a one night stand and not get all obsessive the next day.

Mortgage companies make you wait…
They Demand to Interview you…
They Intimidate you…
They Humiliate you…

We Turn the Tables on Them…
Now, You’re In Charge

Cool, so does this mean that I get to interview, intimidate and humiliate mortgage companies? Not that anyone would loan me money, but it’s a nice thought anyway.

Are you paying too much for: CREDIT CARD BILLS? MEDICAL BILLS? COLLECTION ACCOUNTS?

No! No! No!

Dear Windows User

Ha ha, suckers. I use a Mac.

200% return could have been achieved in less than 30 days!

Example: A $5,000 Investment in the Euro vs the dollar, “properly positioned”, on 7/17/01 could possibly have returned $12,500 on 08/10/01.

Y’know, that actually works out to be an increase of only 150%.

Must be 21 years of age.

Dammit, I’m 27.

What do you Really Know about your Employee?
What do you Really Know about your Lover?
What do you Really Know about your Baby Sitter?
What do you Really Know about your Business Associate?

I know my employee isn’t showing up to work, which is good because it means I don’t have to pay him/her. My lover is never around and I don’t even know his name. My baby sitter never seems to show up when I want to go out. Actually, the baby never seems to be around either. As for my business associate, when was the last time I saw him?

Want to join our free sex party? Your Neighbour, Your Girlfriend, Your Boss! They’re all on.

Free sex party! Woohoo, oh but look who’s going to be there. I’ll finally get to meet that old lady who lives next door, I can meet this girlfriend person, and I can ask my boss what company it is that I work for and why I’m not getting paid.

FEEL 10 YEARS YOUNGER WITH ORAL SPRAY HGH.

Turn back your body’s Biological Time Clock 10 – 20 years.

Twenty years ago I was seven and I don’t think I’d want to feel like a seven-year-old. Ten years ago I was 17 and arse to going through my final year of high school again.

Many Americans only get to see their loved ones and friends two or three times a year.

How would you like to see them daily for a fraction of the cost of phoning them?

What? They are giving me the opportunity to see the friends and loved ones of Americans on a daily basis? “Hey, it’s Tony and Sharon! Hi guys! Good to see you again. Ok, bye.”

If you are not the manager at your restaurant, please ignore this message.

Done.

Is your spouse cheating online? Are your kids talking to dangerous people on instant messenger?

Statistically speaking, I am more likely to be the person your spouse cheats with online or that dangerous instant messaging stranger.

I am a financially independent wealth-builder, who finds great pleasure in mentoring.

Kill the Rat! Get out of the Rat Race!

This one is a bit disturbing. The metaphor of the rat race is that you are one of the rats. To kill the rat is to kill yourself. But perhaps this wealth-builder will show you how to do it metaphorically.

Hot Girls And Wild Horses!

God bless the internet.

This message has been sent to you as a subscriber of the “Gambler’s Update Report”

There are periods of time I can’t account for where I seem to be subscribing to all these mailing lists. I can’t think why I joined this one; I don’t gamble often. Perhaps I was planning to build some wealth then gamble it away?

As a rule, I delete all unsolicited “junk” e-mail and use my account primarily for business. I received what I assumed was this same e-mail countless times and deleted it each time.

Hey, same here. Except for the business part.

CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES – PRISON MINISTRIES – Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need. Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock, who are ready to CHANGE their lives – You can play a major part in that decision!

I like this idea – becoming a minister on the internet, then getting to visit prisons and try and lead the incarcerated back to the path of righteousness. Hallelujah!

European style fat removal system has helped thousands to look and feel better!

Ivan and Sven will come and haul all your fat away.

A practical, low cost, safe alternative that is COMPLETELY NATURAL – Certified Natural Bust Capsules!

Oh man, that’s one thing I so don’t need. Although, if they really worked you could spike some guy’s drink and have manbreasts a go-go.

BURNS AND SMOKES EASIER!
TOKES DEEPER!
TASTES SWEETER!
LASTS LONGER!

Shroo hoo hoo!

So power-smokin potent is our new formulation, that much to our delight and actually even to our amazement, we have even be able to establish a very happy clientele within the hard core stoner market.

Of all the claims made by various spams, I think this one is the most impressive. They managed to crack the hard core stoner market! Do you realise how hard this is to do? Good on them!